I really never wanted to write a post on this website. Or I guess I do it’s just that I hate it when people judge me but oh well. It’s not like I have anything more to lose anyway so here goes…
I just don’t understand why dying is such a bad thing. I really don’t get it. Like why does everyone act like I’m such a freak just because I don’t want to live anymore? Is it because life really is supposed to be this wonderful perfect happy gift that never stops giving? Well if thats the case then I should really kill myself because my whole life is a f*cking mess and therefore should be terminated. Â
Every night I pray until I fall asleep that I’ll never wake up and of course I always do. It’s extremely frustrating. Especially since it’s the only wish I have and I can’t even have that granted while so many other people have the perfect life with the smitten boyfriend/husband, kids, friends, loving family that always accepts them. It’s gotten to the point where it takes hours to fall asleep and almost hours for me to even get out of bed. I have to mix whisky with orange juice almost every morning just to motivate myself enough just to get out of the house which that remedy won’t last much longer either since I only have a limited supply and I can’t buy anymore without a fake ID which I have no idea where to find that…plus I’m too much of a wimp. I’m scared I’ll get in trouble again. I already have fines and community service that were due almost more than a month ago that I haven’t even started. And I can’t tell my parents because they sure as hell won’t help me and will probably just make it worse by rubbing it in and constantly giving me a hard time about it.
It’s all so hopeless. I’ve felt this way since as long as I can remember. the first time I can remember wanting to kill myself was in the fourth grade and the feeling has never left me. The funny thing is, I was the biggest goody two shoes. I went to a “awesome” christian school. Never had a sip of alcohol in high school. Never tried drugs or slept around ever. And life still just sucked…big time. Even though the drugs and alcohol help me now, it’s a pretty expensive (not to mention illegal) lifestyle so in a way I guess it’s really not making things a lot easier. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m just so miserable all of the time and its just not fair that I have to go through this when I feel like over all I’m an honest and nice person while the backstabbers and hypocrites are the ones who always have the charmed and wonderful life. I know I know, no ones life is perfect so even the backstabbers and hypocrites have hard and difficult times in life blah, blah, blah, but I know for a fact that none of them struggle as much as I do. They probably don’t have a hard time just getting out of bed in the morning because they always have so many wonderful things in their life. None of them probably cry themselves to sleep every night because they feel so alone. In fact, they’re phones are usually constantly ringing off the hook with friends and lovers who think that they are the whole world and would do anything for them to like them back. And the most infuriating thing of all is that yeah they probably do feel depressed and go through a month or so of hard times but it always seems like somehow, fate works out perfectly for them and they come out from the struggle even better off than they were before while I have had a lifetime of struggles that never cease. Not a single break for me. It’s so unfair I can’t take it anymore. Â
Hopefully it will end soon and maybe, if fate loves me enough, I will wake up dead tomorrow, free from all the pain.Â
Sorry this was meant to be a simple post and of course I ended up ranting so thank you for bearing with me if you actually did read the whole thing.
Peace out!
5 comments
Dear “I just”:
You have suffered a great deal. You are very depressed, are suffering from insomnia, have gotten in trouble with the law, have parents whom you feel are unsympathetic and harsh, and are in so much pain that you wish you were dead. You’re in so much pain you are self-medicating with alcohol and drugs.
You feel that you led an exemplary life in high school, but there was no payoff for being a good Christian. You are bitter that people you perceive to be hypocrites are happy and you are not.
You are a fundamentally good person who can’t figure out how all of this happened to you.
Let’s review your concerns —
Might I suggest that you consider not drinking right now? I understand that the alcohol is helping with the emotional pain, but while alcohol can initially help pain, it eventually makes depressions worse, after a short “lift” to your mood.
It may actually be making your depression worse and prolonging it.
Also, alcohol, if consumed regularly or too much, can cause insomnia –and then make it hard for you to get up in the morning.
If you are having trouble sleeping, drink a lot of milk an hour or two hours before bedtime. If you don’t like regular milk, try some of the flavored chocolate or strawberry milk. Milk has a chemical, tryptophan, that puts people to sleep.
Also, consider getting off whatever illegal drugs you are on — again, they may be helping with the emotional pain, but many drugs have unpredictable effects on depressions and insomnia — the drugs may be deepening and prolonging your depression and possibly increasing your insomnia.
Plus the money you spend on alcohol and drugs can be spent more effectively on milk. Milk is cheaper and safer
Regarding dying — it is not dying that’s the bad thing — it’s suicide. It’s the way we suicidal folks leave this material plane that causes the problem.
Here is a website with many podcast recordings from young people in their teens and twenties who attempted suicide, and their thoughts on it:
http://www.lifeline-gallery.org/
Might be of interest to you.
Regarding your parents, it is a real shame that they are not supportive to you. Unfortunately, some of us get parents who are like that.
The thing is — why not wait until you can leave home and establish a life for yourself? Then if your parents remain unkind, you just don’t have to see them.
Regarding your community service and fines — if you are a minor living at home, it is your parents’ job to help you pay the fines. Even if they don’t like hearing about it, they need to help you pay the fines and deal with the community service stuff.
If you are over the age of 18, you’re responsible for the fines and community service, but before tackling that, I would suggest two things:
1. contact an Alcoholics Anonymous group — they may have a teen or adult group that you can meet with.
You could get much-needed support there from other teens and young people who are struggling with alcohol, brushes with the law, and unsympathetic parents — no one will judge you; and
2. consider calling a suicide support line and getting a referral to a counselor or therapist in your area, so you can figure out your options for the future.
It sounds like you feel trapped. A counselor could help you think of positive alternatives to your current despair.
You are very young. Your life is just temporarily bad, but it can be fixed.
Regarding your bitterness that some people you view as hypocrites are having happy lives and you are not —
Life is not set up as a fair deal — it’s not “go to church and nothing bad will ever happen to you.”
Life appears to be a series of experiences that we learn from, some good and some bad. It’s like some people get a really easy math teacher in high school, and some people get one who is a tough grader.
The good news is: life runs in cycles. You have a run of bad luck, that feels like it will last forever, and then you have a run of good luck.
So it is important to try to gain psychological “muscles” during bad times — to grow stronger. Because the good times eventually come back.
With regard to other people whom you consider to be hypocrites and yet are having good lives — please don’t concern yourself about them — I am nearly 60, and many of the people I knew to be hypocrites when I was young eventually got into very serious trouble.
What goes around, comes around. Whatever they’ve done, eventually they will pay for it. I have seen this happen many times.
Focus instead on getting well from your depression, and finding productive new directions for your own life.
Now, I gather that you may be very disillusioned with what you were taught in your Christian school. Some Christian schools have very “God of wrath” teachings.
You might want to consider joining a church where Christianity is presented with a God of love. Churches that typically teach that are Unity Churches, Religious Science Churches, Divine Science Churches, etc.
Here is a website link to the Unity churches:
http://www.unity.org/
If there are none in your area, try the other churches I’ve named.
It might help to be in an environment where God is regarded as loving and kind to everyone.
I wish you a good healing from your depression.
Cordially,
Struggling to Survive (been there)
Heavy stuff for sensitive thinker… Feel for you.
I just wish to add couple of comments: Be sure to check with professional – preferably skilled psychiatrist whether you do not suffer from depresion. You mentioned self-medication with alcohol and drugs and prominently having trouble to get out of the bed – that make it quite a candidate. When depressed it is hard to break hopeless thinking cycles.
Towards life of other people: It is somehow “hard-wired” in people to compare to others, but the truth is not what it seems – there are much less perfect or happy or whatever families and people than you think. And they can never be so happy and satisfied as in your imagination. And many people pretend.
Happiness is just moment in time, although it is truth people can be more or less satisfied with their life – which reminds me of depression – one of most serious trouble it causes is constant shift in life satisfaction – “Wrong!” it just says from behind all the time and that is in a long run devastating.
About death: There is nothing wrong with dying, we all will die one day, it is just pitty to end it sooner when there is possibility to solve the problems that troubles you. All possibilities should be checked.
And finally you are just you – go your way no matter what other say. Look hard for you path.
Wish you get well soon, Hugo
I think it is the lack of love and understandng from your parents that contribute to how you feel .
I know how you feel. But I am not there to comfort you.
I have looked around me in my life and realized that everyone else has a life but me. And any attempt of me getting a life has resulted in tragedy.
I am still here alone and very sad.
I hope you find someone to talk to who will undrstand and support how you feel.
If not maybe you will grow outa this, or maybe you be live a sad life like me:(
I think there are people who are not meant to experience happiness, maybe we are some of those people.
Instead of dying or wishing to die, what could you be doing instead? What sounds so unbelievably awesome that you wish you could do it but you’re too afraid to? Do it!! Go wild, go crazy, if you die you die, but at least you had some fun.
Wow. I feel the same way. I have battled years of depressive thoughts and now I am just an exhausted person.
Nobody can be in your shoes and I’ve found that people don’t often have a tolerance for the complainers like us (maybe too much of a realist).
I am a former Psych student but still in college and have overcome my major problems that started when I was a child. I am a sensitive person like you, and if my environment is too stressful I cave in. I am not alone, and yet I always want more–this can be a great thing if you focus this sensitivity and competitiveness on challenging problems–I like Computers and how they work…this gives me a challenge/
My best advice: start small and find out little things that can satisfy you–if you need energy drink water with B Vitamins–I found it works for me. Not everyone is perfect and find your place with people who make you feel accepted. Just try to stay away from the ones who see your melancholy and want to use you for their own agendas. I think you and I both have confidence issues and I have learned to hide it pretty well these days–the only person who I show it to is people I know I can trust.
I really hope this helps you. Take care of you and the people you care about–it will ease up after a few problems are solved.