I had my first suicidal thoughts last December… Triggering factor? Have no idea. At first it was just ideas like «i think it would be much better if i was going far far away». After, reflections on life, death, suffering… images of death… images of my death in dreams… and… after… images of my death when im awake, when i watch a movie, when i laugh to a good joke with friends… i see myself everywhere dying… for over a month now…. I see myself hanging by a rope in the corner of my office… or injecting myself a high dose of morphin, which i steal at my job… or charging in a wall/river with my car… any kind of ways, any where….
my girlfriend told me this week it would be better for me to let her go because she is living too much stuffs on her side and dont want me to drag in it. and because she doesnt know what she wants… but she loves me, that’s what she said… it was the last straw that broke the camel’s back… i now have a date, a way and a plan for my suicide. it will be this week.
«what is wrong with you»… i dont know… What could hurt me that bad to want to kill myself?… i dont know exactly… the amount of all i guess: intimidation, shames, attacks from other, loneliness, living a distance relationship, end of my job this week… or maybe it’s just me who is too much sensitive or weak or afraid of being rejected… im afraid to open up to others and talk about… i dont want to be told : «there are things worse than that in life, endures», «you are so weak/stupid/selfish». «you have lived nothing in comparison of me, it’s just a little scratch and you will be on your feet soon»… but for me, it’s painful, whatever they say.
Background of my life : trying to please other and never succeed or receive any positive feedback… trying to be myself and always being hurt…always questioning myself about my value…. Too much sensitive to criticism… I analyze each situation from all sides and i hang on insignificant details, whom take a monstrous importance to me even if i know there are not important… When I look behind me, i have a feeling of never being able to overcome those old wounds that others have given me, some consciously, others not… or to be able to protect me… It keeps coming back, in disguised forms, but still the same. I am powerless… even with techniques i had learned to control stress, i still dont know how to shut this tiny part inside of me saying : «and if it was true, if i am like what they say, a greedy monster of egoism?»
I’m giving my life for others, helping my friends, being a good daughter, making the end of life of old people more comfortable (im an occupational therapist and work in an elderly home), trying to be a good lover for my girlfriend… and now, im said i just think about myself by wanting to stop suffering by killing me… WHAT DO I HAVE TO UNDERSTAND FROM THAT?! For one time i want to do something greedy for me… not thinking about others… maybe the way is wrong…but…if it’s wrong and i have to live with that… tell me… HOW I CAN FUCKING GET AWAY OF ALL THIS SHIT UP MY MIND? HOW CAN I RIDE OFF THOSE PICTURES OF ME DYING EVERYWHERE I GO, EVERYWHERE I PUT MY LOOK DOWN? Im tired of trying to fight against that. i have no energy and no willpower left. Im tired of feeling wrong inside, im tired of seeing myself dying all days and nights long… im not able to think about any other solution… i have reached my limits, sufferings regained the upper hand on me and ways i know arent enough to face them. Life cant be just that …. It always hurts… im without solution… it CANT be that
i guess if im talking about that, it’s because there is a part of me somewhere, who wants to live… Please, I know right now i’m not able to think for myself… What can i do???
5 comments
Hi, I dont know who you areand hadnt even heard of this website. Your post came up while I was trying to get past my boyfriend’s death. Please dont kill yourself, no matter how upset your feeling. Im am so upset by my babys father dying. Its so selfish and I think of him every moment.. anger, sadness, guilt,
Try to live for yourself. Humans are naturally incredibly selfish. You seem like a great person that tried to hard for others and in turn were disappointed, you have to try to put these thoughts behind you, while this will be hard, there is ways. Try something new, do something for yourself, start a new hobby, anything you may enjoy. Humans naturally latch onto things that’ll keep them afloat, you had your girlfriend, and now, while it may be hard, must find that new lifejacket. Whether that be a friend, a family member or an object, reach out, and with time, hopefully these thoughts will be weened.
Fleur de Lys
What is wrong with you is a leading question that suggests a negative.
What greedy monster of egotism? Who says that?
How about what is right with you?
You are going through so many losses right now – making room for new relationships built on what you have learned from the past. You are very articulate and sensitive so you carry a burden of awareness that some others won’t understand so it is up to you to take a break.
You work hard …can you go on a vacation? Get a massage? Take a great warm bubble bath? Get a pet. Join some kind of group?
An no it doesn’t feel better to know others have suffered…doesn’t cheer up a sensitive person and besides you work in the trenches so to speak so you know that.
Be kind to your pain as you are to your patients. Yell at those images in your head, tell em to back the He!! off for a while and try to replentish your spirit. Maybe you are calling those images up to give yourelf permission to end something other than your life. Maybe they are a secret ally giving you permission to let a part of yourself go but not the whole enchilada! Maybe they are trying to tell you to kill the critic in your head.
At least you x has love for you. That can mean a great deal …. 10 years down the line I’ve reconnected with an x who is great source of support and the love I gave back then has come back now two fold. He is married and neither of us would ever cheat nor do I even have a desire to nor does he and the friendship is stronger because of our past connectedness.
Pursuing altruism as a path to happiness is good in theory but like all ideals falls short in practice.
You have to do something for you. Instead of always living for others to take slices of your life and make them only for you.
There is a degree of kindness that works to keep communities together but beyond that it is overload.
Humans were never designed to give completely of themselves.
Even historical martyrs were exaggerated in their selfless acts.
Without a self to anchor you, you just fly in the wind.
To heal you must draw away from the altruism and take time to find yourself, to find your wants and desires aside from making others feel better. Because if you do not, all of your giving depletes you and makes you crave the end.
And it may be that your brain chemistry is off a bit as well with you describing the visions of you dying.
Maybe some alternative therapy to calm that part of you.
thank you for your answers guys. it’s good to know we are not alone and that people who dont know you care about you, care about you staying alive.
i decided to go to hospital on thursday…. bc im sick and i need help.