I don’t want to feel like this. I want the old me back. I don’t miss her but the people around me would love to see her. She was better in everything than me. Just bring her back to life and kill me. She deserves to live. I deserve to die. It’s that simple. Everything would get fixed once she comes back.
A man is never completely alone in this world. At the worst, he has the company of a boy, a youth, and by and by a grown man – the one he used to be.
~Cesare Pavese
Ik you’re trying but you gon’ve to try harder. Just keep going and one day you’ll be there. Stop thinking about the past. Forget it and move ahead. Once you reach there, you can reminisce about the past as much as you want. Just have patience and faith in yourself and you’re gonna get through this, alone and alive. You are brave and I love you. And I trust you.
Me at 3:00 am talking in the mirror, with wet eyes. After saying all this to myself, the first thing that is coming to my mind is a picture of my dead body. It’s a picture […]
Nothing fucking works… I told my mom about my depression and what I am going through… And long story short… (I am not telling the whole lecture that she gave cause this one sentence is enough to sum it all up)… She said,” A thing like depression does not exist. It’s just thoughts and in order to get rid of them, you just have to divert your mind into something else.” Now that I’ve told her, and received her “extraordinary” response, I feel way worse than before, cause now the ray of light named “help from parents” has died. And hell, I even mentioned, like […]
https://youtu.be/DvYQpplzmzY
If you listen to this song, then please listen till the end.
Everyday I look at my parents and this conflict starts in my head – what would it be like if they knew what I was going through? Would they help me? Or would it just make things weirder? So after discussing and debating with myself for so long, I think I ought to tell them. Maybe I should just tell them. What’s the worse thing that could happen? And yep, less than 24 hours ago I was determined to ignore all these thoughts and have peace for a while but seems like that ‘while’ was too short. Seems like these thoughts don’t wanna sink in […]
One choice, one option, one and only thing that feels right to do. I’m in my junior year and as it’s believed that junior year is the most ‘important’ or whatever. So yeah, everyone expects and thinks that the entire day I keep studying in my room cause I had to tell them that I need to be alone if I am studying. But anyway, school is the last thing that I could be doing (no matter how much my “friends” call me a nerd). So yeah, now I can’t even be sad, I just have to keep pretending to study which is horrible. It […]
I don’t get it, why do I keep screwing up everything and everyone. I pissed off the last person who (maybe) gave a shit about me. I’ve known her since a long time. We remained close friends for most of that time. A couple months ago she asked me why can’t I be normal just like everyone else. Idk but this question made me think that she was just like everyone with whom I’ve ever shared my problems with or put my faith in. So I did what I do best… I pushed her away thinking that she was no longer able to deal with […]
I feel bad for people when I see them smiling wide and pretending to be happy. ‘Cause no one is happy on this planet… Not a single living being. Happiness is an illusion. And the people who recognize that happiness is an illusion, end up killing themselves because no one wants to live after knowing that their goal was just an illusion… By goal I mean, as kids we’re told by our parents that happiness is the best thing to achieve, neither money nor love… Cause when we’re happy blah blah blah… So stop being happy. I don’t want to see your teeth no matter […]
I went to the roof I stood on the edge… I saw the boulevard… It looked beautiful from up there… There was a gentle breeze… I felt peaceful in a long time, just by standing at that edge, waiting to jump… Reminiscing everything good that life had given me and feeling bad that I didn’t have the balls to tell my family about everything I had gone through… Hell, I even recalled eighth grade geography and those fucking trigonometric equations… I had my phone with me… I had deleted everything on it cause that was highly confidential bullshit… More like the fucked up shit you […]
I want to thank this website where I could write my last words and the thoughts that I couldn’t share with anyone else. But now the water has gone above my head, I’m drowning and my head hurts. After a long time, I’m able to make a decision without the interruption of the constant conflict that was running in my head. And I did try everything I could… I told my brother, my best friend, this website and the helpline guy (and they must’ve tried to bring me back) but I think the toxicity inside of me was just too much for anyone to erase […]
I feel like something’s eating up my brain. It’s like it has created a deep hole inside my soul. It is controlling me and my life. Sometimes, it tells me to hurt myself by my own hands while some other times, it tells me to hurt people who’ve hurt me. It just is so confusing that my mind is choked badly. I’ve lost my ability to think. And even slowly, but I’m losing myself upto an extent that I may die now. I want to die now. It has became my only wish – to die. It’s pinching and punching me. It is making me […]
When was the time when I lost myself? Just tell me so that I can go back there and undo it or just erase that part of my life… cause I look at my family and imagine what’d happen to them once I’m gone like forever… Who would defend my sister when she’s done something wrong? To whom would mommy talk her heart out? Who would take daddy’s side when they fight? Who would roam around the house giggling unnecessarily (even tho it’s fake)? So just tell me how it all started? Or when it all started? Or why it all started? Cause I’ve no […]
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