Abnormal.Thoughts

I want to thank everyone here for all the support over the years, thank you for giving me a safe place.
I’m going to finish this life off tonight, hopefully in a peaceful sleep.
I have my reasons, some old, some new, but ultimately I’m not made for this life except to be a catalyst of negative reactions.
My friend of many names, I do love you as you are the best friend I have had, you have been there for me through so many struggles and helped me pull through till now. I’m afraid I must go. Thank you. All the hugs […]

Okay, this makes absolutely no sense…

Life: Stable, well paying job, home, family, toys, time.
Me: Depressed, suicidal, takes negative coping mechanisms back for relief including cutting, getting high, and drinking,  absolutely miserable, can’t focus, hates everything.

Life: Laid off the day after my 11th anniversary, jobless, unemployment screws me because I was given severance and my vacation time was paid out, away from family, no bed to call my own, barely eating because I apparently stay with people who also don’t eat regularly, little to no sleep for several reasons, selling the toys to pay for a move across country, away from everyone and everything I […]

I don’t know why I want to tell this story, I guess it’s just a part of what happened to me, and while it’s not a terribly happy story it can not be erased, and I wouldn’t erase it if I could since at least something good came of it.

I put it on the next page so I could provide a trigger warning here, I kept it kind of vague but there is some sexual content to be wary of.

I don’t know why it happened but everything seems to go straight past me, I’m not able to maintain anything in my thoughts, I read something and have no idea what it said, everything from a two sentence email to a chapter in a book, I keep rereading it telling myself to focus on the words but my mind wanders off to wherever and idk, nothing. This also happens during conversations. It’s extremely frustrating. Maybe it’s adhd/add? I’ve never had that before though, I don’t think that’s something that just pops up as an adult.
I just think I would feel better if I could focus.

Hubby leaves today for the next 9 days, I still have my daughter but she has school so there’s some quiet time for me to do whatever (while working at home anyways). Hubby keeps asking if I’ll be okay for a week while he is gone. I have considered ending it while he is away, especially considering I have to return to the office afterwards, but I know I won’t, primarily because I don’t want to traumatize my daughter like that, even if she isn’t the one that would find me, I’m sure it would give her a fear of leaving anyone alone. I just look forward […]

We recently got the notice that our time working from home is over, back to the office on May 10th. I know a lot of people are looking forward to getting back to life as it was before this pandemic but I’m dreading it. I was in a very dark place when we were in the office last year: I have still been in a dark place since working from home but at least at home there are more ways to self soothe, more coping mechanisms, good or bad. So many days driving to work my thoughts would veer towards serving off the road, or […]

Does anyone else wonder what it must be like to be normal? I thought I was normal once, turns out I was wrong, now I’m curious how that must feel. Plans, goals, friends, family, are things just that much easier when you aren’t fucked up?

Last night was interesting, something happened with my husband and he got up to asking me what was wrong and doing the whole, “what did I (he) do” thing, which drives me insane, I’ve told him 1,000 times that it’s not him. Anyways, all words just get caught in my throat when I’m in an emotionally charged state so I just sent him a text since my voice was lost, the intended message was apparently a little vague. Rather than what was actually going through my head, he read it as me wanting to commit suicide, it makes sense since this is something […]

The trust you built then shattered. Lost, alone, and tattered.

I was nothing more than an experiment to you: One successful experiment. I wish I had seen that then, because now I am left with only the destruction you gave me.

I’m so lucky for the man I have now but I can’t even appreciate him because of you: I can’t appreciate me or anything really.

Even the good days are meaningless.

I’ve been feeling “better” the last little while, at least my mind has quieted with the suicidal thoughts, the cutting has dropped off immensely, and summer is peeking its head out; I love the sunshine.
it’s far from perfect, I do get frustrated still with minor things that I should just fix but, ironically, despite feeling “better” mentally I can’t bring myself to do anything, I think I actually do better when I’m in anguish in that regard. Shower? Not today. Laundry? Nope, big nope. Cook? Never.
On a positive note, I did my taxes! lol. April 15th was always the deadline, I couldn’t procrastinate […]

How do you achieve your dreams when they don’t make sense? How can the same person want two things that don’t correlate? You can have one but only at the expense of the other? This is a topic that a friend and I were just discussing, it made me realize that I can’t achieve my dreams without giving up on another dream, so basically I will always have some part of me that is disappointed no matter what I do.

Speaking of dreams, I had an odd dream last night, it is a dream I’ve had before but forgot about. Nothing exciting, at a museum in […]

I’m really struggling to focus on anything. I’m rereading emails five times just trying to catch what they are about. Ask me of I saw something, I could be looking right at it and miss it. Half the time I have no idea what a conversation is even about. Something is wrong and I can’t seem to get a grip on myself. I’m just floating through my life on autopilot and anything that requires my presence is really a struggle for some reason.

This small safe place, this fragile platform I reside upon, held up by wobbly supports and stabilized with crutches, pull one out and see what happens, watch it collapse.

I’m trying to shut this one negative out without pulling down everything else with it. Splashing into that toxic swamp that is my past. I’m holding on.

I’m just trying to pretend I’m normal, not this thing I was mutated into.

I called you. I called you, and you just asked if it was important, because you were busy. That’s why I decided I wouldn’t call again. It was important, I was looking for a lifeline, but I couldn’t say that, I couldn’t trouble you when you were busy. I had said my goodbyes, but not to you yet, I had a handful of OxyContin and an anti-nausea, I was checking out. I couldn’t bring myself to call the crisis line, I could text the crisis chat. You know what saved me? The stupidest thing; my fitness tracker watch. I walked and walked, there was a […]

I’m sorry if this post is just disconnected ramblings.

I love you, goodbye. So innocent and so powerful. You might say these words at the end of a phone call, or as you leave for work or school, a short term removal of someone you care about. You might say goodbye to a stranger you will never see again and it won’t affect you at all. But then there is goodbye to someone special, a goodbye that means losing a friend, or telling your dying grandma that you love her. That’s when goodbye is not such a simple thing. What about saying goodbye and not […]

It’s wet outside in the desert this morning, the smell of washed rocks heavy in the moist air. The rest of the world still sleeps. The moonlight trying to shine through a thin blanket of dusty clouds.
These moments are the most peaceful, with my coffee in hand as I soak up the silence: Before the worlds machine turns on and destroys every ounce of tranquility there is to have.

My current mental state has me on the verge of messaging the crisis text line again. I wonder what exactly I expect them to do. I can pour out my thoughts and feelings, but what is the solution to this debilitating condition? That’s rhetorical, I know all the answers and nothing has worked, so why bother.

If there is anything that might help me, maybe it’s meds or some real therapy, but those didn’t work in the past so I’m just being optimistic, and neither are easy enough access for me to care to figure out.

I want to die so badly but the world […]