I picked up my blade for the first time in almost three months. The cut was deeper than ever and cleared my mind for longer than usual. Part of me thinks that quitting was a waste but the part that winces anytime i move my wrist says otherwise. I quit for one sole purpose, that reasons gone now so whats the point in stopping? Right, there isnt one. So here i go again to lock myself in the bathroom at just the thought of life.
..So maybe im being punished. Again I feel anxious and uneasy. This tends to happen when you’re gone. Usually I am able to control it with the reassurance that in due time you’ll be back. This time though it doesn’t seem likely. I feel like my world is slowly ending and there’s nothing I can do except wait. There’s no use crying anymore, no use wishing you were back. God, how i wish you were back. Its been almost a month since the last time your soft voice danced through my ears, and i smiled because the notes making my favorite soundtrack were you telling […]
You dont understand how i felt that day when you grabbed my hand and assured me it was okay. I could do nothing but think about what we were about to do, wonder if you were nervous too. My thoughts overpowered everything and caused my brain to shut off. Then you took my innocence and whispered soft, “it wasnt how i pictured, wasnt how i planned.” I hurt my head trying to process what you had just said. Its been me by myself ever since then, my finger on the button ready to push send. I want to tell you all my feelings, worries, thoughts, and fears- […]
I replay our last day together over and over at least six billion times a day.
We had been back together for four days after three weeks of not speaking. You just got out of football and i was in the band room, practicing my trombone. You texted me and asked where i was and you waited for me outside. Then you saw me, jumped up, and followed me to our place. I like to call it our place because it was the only place we’d ever go together. The only place no one would see us. That shouldve been warning #1. I ignored my gut […]
Ive been sitting here in front of my computer for the past twelve minutes trying to decide what to write. I have this urge to completely spill everything from how bad things have been getting to the color of my socks. My problems are petty, i dont like bothering you guys with them because i feel lame caring about losing my best friend when so many of you have such bigger problems. I wish i could help you all. I wish i could help everybody. I wish i make every insecure person feel confident, i wish i could make every poor person richer, i wish […]
In the last quarter of the twentieth century
much of the world sat on the edge of an increasingly expensive theater seat
waiting for something momentous to occur.
Christian aficionados of the Second Coming scenario were convinced that,
after two thousand years, the other shoe was about to drop.
And five of the era’s best-known psychics predicted
that Atlantis would soon reemerge from the depths.
To this last, Princess Leigh-Cheri responded,
“There are three lost continents: we are one: the lovers.”
In whatever esteem on might hold Princess Leigh-Cheri’s thoughts, one must agree
that the last quarter of the twentieth century was a severe period […]
STOP telling me its going to be okay.
thats your advice for everything
STOP telling me ive changed.
i know, it sucks
STOP telling me you care.
you dont
STOP telling me its different this time.
it isnt
STOP trying to make me stop cutting.
it helps me more than anything
STOP telling me i need to talk about it.
i will when im ready
STOP telling me this isnt healthy.
you dont think i already know?
STOP leaving me.
i cant take it anymore
STOP freaking out if i dont answer the phone.
im not going to kill myself
STOP breaking promises.
why make them in the first place?
STOP trying to make me better.
i need you to succeed
STOP believing im strong enough to get […]
I used to think about suicide a lot until i joined this website. When i read other peoples suicide notes or how sad they are, reality hits me a little harder. I dont know if i know any of you, i dont know who you guys are, but right now is the closest i have ever felt to anyone in my entire life. Youre all complete strangers but i feel like i can tell you all anything and literally trust you with my life. Because of this website, i have decided not to give up. Im still going to cut, but i will not EVER […]
I have this feeling. It starts in the back of my throat and goes down to my stomach. I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is, but I guess I can relate it to the feeling you get on a roller coaster. Not the one you get when you begin to plummet, but the one right before that. The feeling you get at the top of the hill when you start to hear the chains slowly go down and you begin to wonder why the hell you got on the ride in the first place. By then, though, it’s too late to get off and so […]
It’s been two days since my phone has lit up with your name.
It’s been two days since I haven’t talked about my feelings.
It’s been two days since I felt okay.
It’s been two days since I’ve smiled.
It’s been two days since you’ve looked at me.
It’s been two days since I last cut.
It’s been two days since I last cared about paying attention in school.
It’s been two days of endless crying.
It’s been two days since you left me.
It’s been two days that my world has felt out of wack.
It’s been two days too long.
As you know, I’ve recently had to deal with some things that were beyond my control. All in this one week I got the closest I’ve ever been to anyone and then completely lost him. I was devasted and I’ll admit- a bit dramatic but I thought about it. I thought a lot about it all, everything. He was harming me more than helping me I decided. I just made myself believe otherwise. We all do that, live in our own worlds and throw a bit of falseness in every situation. It happens naturally. That’s why you can never really trust anything for certain. So […]
Hey, guys. Everything super sucks right now. I think I’m in love with my best friend. He hates me though and wont talk to me anymore so I guess you all are my only escape now. Sorry. I wish things wouldn’t suck. I wish people had the power to get through rough times without leaving others behind. I wish Jacob and I could go back to how things were before we messed up. Oh well, I’ve got my blade and my trombone, that’s all a girl really needs in life right? Not talking to him is driving me crazy, oh my lord of the rings. […]
You werent supposed to leave me! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! I need you most right now and youre leaving. Its all over. The passed three months were for nothing. We spent countless hours battling other peoples opinions of us still talking and we made plans for the future and we were supposed to go through this together. It isnt fair for me to have to take this on alone while youre free hitting on other girls. I know we werent really “a thing” but i mean come on.. after everything we did, everything we’ve gone through, its that easy for you to […]
Did you guys ever have that one person you always thought would be there for you? Like a lover or relative. Well mine was my best friend. He held me for half an hour while I soaked his shoulder in tears when I told him about my cutting. Hes promised me the world and a bright future. His names Jacob. See, Jacob and I, we have been through a lot in the last few months but somehow we always found our way back to eachother. The last fight we got into, when i told him never to talk to me again, he said “fine. but […]
We’re driving to some St.Patricks Day festival and my dads playing the radio. He keeps switching it from some song about getting money and banging hot chicks to some screamo song that frankly, I can’t tell you is about because it’s impossible to understand. So in goes my headphones and on goes pandora. That’s when I started thinking about all the other kids who’s iPods or mp3 players have saved them from having to listen to their parents flip through radio stations. It made me wonder what kind of music they listen to and why. Then I started thinking about before mp3s were popular and […]
I really hate when someone tells me they want to help because they dont like seeing me “like this”. I would love help, trust me, but seeing me like this? What does that even mean? Everytime i hear it i stop and wonder if ive really changed that much over the passed year. Looking back to August i suppose i have. I guess my real question is is the change really that bad? I used to hate change, still do. Lately though, i feel like thats all my lifes about. My past has changed. My present is changing. And my future is based on change. […]
“Small, simple, safe price
Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets
This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals
And i am not afraid to die
Im not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight.
I want the pain of payment
Whats left, but a section of pigmy size cuts
Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks
Would you be my little cut?
Would you be my thousand fucks?
And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid
When i was a kid, i thought i was happy. I always got good grades, had tons of friends, never fought with my parents. I loved life. Do you guys remember those days? When you called everyone your best friend and the biggest secret you kept was your moms christmas present. Im in high school now and i have one person that i consider a best friend, although were forbidden to acknowledge eachother in public, and more secrets than i can count. I feel like its even more dramatic how out of control my life has gotten because of my age and even more because of how […]
It took one month for me to notice you.
One week for you to tell me you liked me.
Three days for you to ask me to be yours.
Two weeks for the fighting to begin.
Four and a half weeks for me to fall in love.
One day for you to change your mind about me.
Six weeks and four days for it to last.
Fifteen minutes for you to end it.
One week for you to find someone new.
Four months for me to convince myself ill be okay.
One month for me to find someone new.
And forever to forget you.
Theres nothing worse than when you want nothing more than to push the tip into your skin and slowly and painfully drag it across your wrist until the thin scarlet line begins to appear and you cant. Now im left with multiple reminders of my attempts that further remind me how i cant even complete a little task like cutting myself. Cool. Im going to bed.
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