i wanna smash it up, i wanna mess it up, i want to watch this come down.
i want to break something, destroy something. sounds fun
i feel a repeat of last night happening tonight again. if so i no if i cut theres a better chance of feeling better for tonight, if i cut ill most probably have a better night but ill have to hide the cut till it heals and i might feel bad the next day. so thats my dilemma in my head.
intense, this is intense, i havent felt this bad in a while. hope its temporary,damit
what does your average person feel like when they wake up? what do they feel like when they are sad? do they ever seriously want to die or hurt themselves? also what would happy people answer to these questions? im curious.
thought they might make sumone smile i think animals are the closest thing to perfection, they just are what they are. blackones lucy, other one is branston. i might put a picture of the one with 3 legs tommorow.
Oliver, Barnabas,Isabelle,Charlotte,Matthew,Music.
the guilt if hurting my mum. the guilt of hurting everyone. (i did get past that at one point but its back again)
my promise.
my progress.
things i cant put into words, but theres just this pull inside me, to not die.
i will make it through today.i will not cut.i will not OD, i will live. i WILL. if i have to spend the whole day plotting revenge so i can stay alive i will. this day will have a point. this day will not be spent in a haze of numbness. flip if only you could buy a good life […]
im so worn out today, i cant be dealing with any of my complicatedness. so i plan to spend the day sleeping,music, painting. andof course chatting to anyone who needs me, ladies and gentlemen im here all day 😉
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9eN9h00h94
iv got one to many skeletons in my closet, they are all falling out as things burst at the seams
another cliche “rescue me”up
im so messed
yes you know to much
which ends my chances at not being pitied.
i want more than your pity
well i better start with abit of background, when i was 2 my brther barnabas left when he was 16 because my brother oliver who is now 20 would have been around 5 at the time was sexually abused by barnabas’ best friend and it caused my brother oliver many problems in life as you can imagine and my mother would not leave the house wich lead to her becomeing more ill and deppressed, she has bipolar and M.E. we then started moving houses alot which started from trying t get away from where the abuse happened. then when i was 7 my brother isaak […]
looks like family life is about to get hella intresting. my, i cant stop the panic AAAA not ready for this, aaaaaarrghhh. im going to listen to music, sleep and maby in the morning i wont be so panicked, but still AAAAAARRRRGGHHH!ill update tommorow
well my therapist person iv been seeing for over 2 years told me that she is leaving the service in september so we either dicuss going on to another person or i stop having indiviual therapy sessions, im not sure about this. part of me thinks that this is a natural end to my individual sessions as i missed a few then just didnt have one for a while and things got a bit better but then again im scared because i dont really want to have another therapist afterall isnt 2 years long enough for me to not need one anymore? i dont know, […]
i find the only way to stop my mind turning so much is music, and to sleep or stop going insane if i listen to music its like it orders my thoughts more, or they have a soundtrack to dance to so they dont run into each other and cause more hurt.
i should sleep now, but i seem to want to hang with other suicidals in the internets, ah i hardly recognise myself.
im pretty bored of the monotany of people and life, feeling numb, i feel really numb. i keep thinking how good it will be when i go to canada in a few years, i have decided im going to start saving up now since it will take me a few years to get the money, iv applied for jobs and i no when i was last working things wernt as bad just because i felt useful so hopefully ill get to work soon and acctually get paid, so canada will become more of a reality, i like the idea of going to another country, getting […]
“your my girl, and thats alright, if you sting, i wont mind” i like that song lyric, thats what i want:)
id like to be needed ebough by someone that theyd take me far away and set up somewhere so i can get away from the pain, and start over as it were, and work to what i want. i think now that i have to work for what i want here for me to be able to find someone who would love/need me enough for that, theres some truth in the “if you dont love yourself, noone will” stuff
im trying to force my way through today to be positive, my friend recently moved out of my house and she lives quiet a way away now and i really miss her, my brother also moved even furthur away recently. i really miss being able to easily hang around with them, they were my reasons for waking up, they still are, its just abit more difficult. i feel kind of lost, i like being around people when the black cloud of deppresion isnt horribly distorting who i am. so im going to try and go outside today, even if its just walking around in my […]
so long sentiment it doesnt matter now, it doesnt matter now. thats how im feeling, this song sums it up https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKdsTKE6Izs
im going to see blink 182 on wednesday, a friend gave me a lastminute ticket, i feel alive around music, live music, and i just love it all, even the big crowds of people, which usually make me nervous and feel even more alon but music id the perfect way to communicate properly and people dont liein songs, im looking forward to it:) everyone needs to find something no matter how trivial that they can look forward to
i have a friend who lives in canada and im in england, i dont know why but when im talking to him or reading his emails my mind feels a little less helish, i wish he was here to give me a hug and to hang out with, but its not going to happen anytime soon, i dont know wheather its worse to never have met him or for it to be i met him but hes not a shoulder to cry on.