BlondeWig

So I live in Canada, and we are all under this quarantine and my work is closed. Normally I have no issues staying home, infact I prefer it. But now I can’t go out and see people who make me happy. And my living situation with my parents is so horribly toxic I feel like i’m drowning. Everything I fucking do is wrong. I’m too old for this. I shouldn’t feel this way. I don’t deserve the bullshit I get but here we are. I haven’t been depressed in months. I worked so hard, so fucking hard not to be anymore and in 3 weeks […]

Do you ever just wish you had some kind of disease that would eventually, somehow or another kill you? I know it’s sick to say, and sick to idolize it but saying that you’re going to die from like cancer or something sounds so much nicer than someone who says that they are going to kill themselves. Now i’m sure that most people who are terminally ill, don’t want to die. But I can also say that I as someone who has depression and is suicidal, I don’t want to die either. But at the same time I do. Depression is like an endless disease […]

I’m writing this here because I really need to get it off my chest and I have no one else to speak to this about. It’s just some bullshit that’s been annoying the fuck outta me.

So my boyfriend, best friend and I were supposed to fly to Cuba next week for vacation. Now if you don’t live in a bubble then you’ll know that a fucking massive hurricane tore through Cuba onwards to Florida. Because of that, obviously, our flight is cancelled. And I was the one who booked it under my name so I sent the email to them letting them know. Obviously everyone […]

I wonder when things will become easier to discuss with people. When will I be able to comfortably talk about my depression and the darkest part of my brain to another person? I recently had a huge problem that brought this problem to light, wondering how many other people. such as yourselfs, struggle with this as well. The understanding. Relatability. Willingness to listen without judgement. I’ll explain my situation to you all;

So my family and I have been on and off with our relationship, one second we get along, laugh, have a great time. Another second we are butting heads and completely at odds with […]

Well I’ve been spending my night curled in my bed in absolute mental pain balling my fucking eyes out trying NOT to kill myself.

Here’s what happened leading up to this; so I went to a BBQ at a friends place and old coworkers came (I quit the position with all the people who came to the bbq) so they were there. My one friend asked me if I wanted to get high with her. I said yeah sure to have some fun. Now when I’m high… i’m silly and fun to be around. I say dumb shit but I’m not a bad high so… I […]

I made a In the Moment decision to go back to college after getting kicked out for failing last year. It burned me pretty hard and I had no desire to go back ever again. But… the course is what I REALLY wanna do in life. I’m just so concerned I’ll fail again and will be the family fuck up once again.

I’m so worried. I’m having a million doubts right now.

Do you ever just get so used to something that when it stops… You feel so lost and useless like you were distracted this whole time and just got slapped with reality? Yeah… well I did.

I guess it’s selfish. I’m used to getting a certain amount of attention that makes me hate life less. The only person on this shitty earth that makes breathing worth it. And now.. that attention is slim to none. I hate busy people. It makes me angry. Even when I have things to do… I’d do anything for this person. But then I forget that he has a big family… […]

So… Over the past month I’ve realized that i’ve done a series of things putting myself in dangerous situations without realizing that it could have killed me. Maybe it was just a way of me wanting to die but not understanding why I did it.

You see… I can’t swim. I went on a boat with my boyfriend, best friend and her boyfriend and we were all drinking having fun on a lake. My best friend and her boyfriend jumped off the boat into the water and I got jealous. Now everyone knows I can’t swim… so when i said I wanna do it, big surprise […]

I don’t really know what’s going on anymore. I’m self destructing my own life and I can’t stop it. I have no one that understands and can help me out of this. It’s something i have to do… but how?

I’ve called in sick from work for atleast a week now. My manager tried to contact me today but I didn’t pick up the phone. I’m sure it was to try to let me go, which I really wouldn’t care about because I absolutely hate that job. But my boyfriend, is continually bashing me for not going and it’s not at all like him to do […]

I thought I was doing so much better. Shit got rough… and then I was like Yes I think i’ve fixed myself, no need for a therapist. No need to talk about my stupid fucking feeling again, as if they matter. I fixed myself. I pushed it back.

And here I fucking am. Once again. Worse than I was before. Literally searching at 12am reasons to stay, signs of emotional abuse, talking to my friend whos drunk telling me to be happy. What the fuck is my life even? Who am I? I literally don’t know. My favourite colours mean nothing to me anymore. My favourite […]

This is the only place I can really open up to this, and I really need to write this at least once.

I’m absolutely falling apart and I don’t know how to fix myself anymore. I so desperately try to look for the bright side of things, but being the realistic person that I am, I know when to admit that absolutely nothing is going my way and the world is actually working against me. I try and try, I never wanted to give up, but who am I kidding? Even my best effort isn’t good enough.

I’ve skipped an entire week of college due to me […]

So recently, this appears to constantly happen to me apparently, I fell for a guy, we were literally only together for about a month and he made me feel some type of way for the first time in a very long time. I thought, this is it. I am happy and he’s the one. Till I found out everything he ever said to me was a lie and he threw me away for my friend like I was yesterdays trash.

Now normally I am an extremely strong person and I hold my own very well. No one will ever know how broken I am, nor do […]

Do you ever just get the feeling of being SO incredibly happy for a split second, and then you hit reality hard and remember that you’re not allowed to be happy. Happiness just isn’t in the cards for you.

Well it happened to me, once again. I met someone… not really new… as was in grade school with him, but we reconnected, and hit it off. It’s the best feeling ever. Then he asked me out and I thought forsure this was my chance! This was the world correcting itself for all my misfortunes in the past. And then shortly after I realized, it’s probably not. […]