Well I was doing well for about a week and a half, kind of well. Decently well. I came home for Christmas and found out my dad just lost his job…again. I think that’s what pushed me down all over again. I can’t stop blaming myself for being a financial burden, since he’s helped me out fixing my laptop screen ($700), splitting lawyer fees ($350), helping me out staying in a hotel for a month (>$1000), and I don’t even want to know how much the outpatient partial hospitalization program thing I was in for a couple weeks costed. I know I shouldn’t blame myself, […]
deadd
I did this outpatient partial hospitalization program because I want(ed) to kill myself. It’s suppose to be a minimum of 3 weeks (15 days), but I only got to do 8 days because I went home for the holidays (I live five hours away). I really can see the benefits of staying the whole time, as I am still very unstable. I feel like the program was almost like a break from reality while re-learning to socialize with other people who also want to die, because we all had to get referrals some way or another. I’ve become very isolated as of lately, and it […]
length warning (sorry)
I’m about to be suspended or expelled from college, even though I have a 3.8 GPA, decent extracurriculars, blah blah blah. I’m suppose to graduate in May. My (ex) roommate called the cops on me because she could not handle verbal embarrassment, and lied saying it was assault. My friends came down for the weekend, the first time anyone’s really visited me in my three years here. I got into a bad fight with my roommate back in February. I was friends with this one girl for say a year or so, and I confronted her about blocking me on twitter, which sounds […]
Birthday: the anniversary of the day on which a person was born, typically treated as an occasion for celebration and the giving of gifts.
People are suppose to celebrate themselves on their birthdays, right? A wholly day devoted to YOU, treat yoself, blah blah blah, self love.
Rewind to September 11, 2001. My fifth birthday. I was fortuitous enough to be located in New Jersey, just 10 mere miles from the twin towers. We always used to do a “birthday dinner” and I remember being at the Trackside grill. I remember everyone being huddled around the TV, crying as the towers made their final collapse. Notice the name […]
Living is exhausting.
I don’t want to do it, and not many people like me anymore anyway.
My ex was right, that there will never be a guy who doesn’t want me for anything other then sex, so maybe it wasn’t so good we broke up.
I thought I’d be okay without him, but really I can’t take care of myself.
Nobody likes a skeleton, but nobody cares either.
I am very low, and no high could mitigate that.
So down further I go.
It’s been a long time since I thought about methods.
I have never had anxiety this bad before, and thus far I cannot find something to mitigate it at least a little. I can’t stop worrying.
I am a shell of a person, floating through life. I don’t have an excuse of why I’d rather sit alone. It’s hard to explain, it’s hard to understand. You see, I enjoy feeling like this, but it sure is lonely. The more I pull back, the further I fall, and the further I fall, the more I slip away, loosening my grip on what is suppose to be life. It’s humiliating. Someone I know stopped by earlier, on a Friday night, and I’m just sitting alone playing xbox. I don’t have an issue with this personally, but it was he who once told me that even […]
I am tired.
Tired of fucking everything up.
Tired of worrying all the time.
Tired of being tired.
Tired of existing.
I’ve been isolating myself more and more for no reason. I don’t really want to be around other people, and other people are offput by how unresponsive and reticent I am. It’s weird, because I’ll get high, and then the fact I have not eaten makes me feel even more high, in a way. It’s sort of like a state of bliss. But, clearly, not eating has pretty heavy cognitive effects, one of which is almost appearing like a zombie to others. It is not something that’s easy to […]
Mornings have always been really rough for me, probably the worst part of my day. I’ll often wake up crying, or start crying as reality quickly smacks punches me in the face again, separating dreams from what is real. Sometimes it’s due to a specific thing in mind, some stupid occurrence of whatever happened the day before. But most of the time it’s just this generalized sense of melancholy that follows me everywhere I go. Sometimes it is a storm, rising up quickly within the blink of an eye, with loud thunder grumbling about my onerous existence, accompanied with lightening strikes of rancorous contempt that leave scars on […]
I am such a nuisance.
An inconvenient roadblock.
A problem with no solution.
And I wish I would stop thinking about unrealistic bullshit.
Clearly, writing is a failure, as I can’t exert the effort to turn my thoughts into words.
Everyone has a good idea what it’s like to be the victim, whether through personal experience, other’s stories, or even social media. But what about who is on the other side? I did not want to be toxic. I did not ask to be so virulent, to be referred to as narcissistic by the very ones I love. It’s getting lonely over here, and my black hole of a heart is caving into itself again. I can’t help how I am, and it’s not very easy to control. Am I destined to a life in solitude?
Throwing it back in my face doesn’t help it either. […]
I have wanted out of this relationship for over a year, and it’s finally happened, so why am I so upset? I thought it’d pass after yesterday, when he officially stopped talking to me via not answering my text. Rightfully, too. I wasn’t a great girlfriend; we weren’t soul mates, and too much about him bothered me. But he was so in love with me, always there for me, and knew me better than anybody. He’d do anything for me. I can’t help but wonder if I made a mistake, that no one truly wants to handle someone as unstable and unpredictable as I am. […]
If you can’t trust your own mind, who can you trust?
I am so sick of hating myself.
Nothing I ever do is right.
Why don’t I ever follow through with what I know I should do?
I’m pathetic. 🙂
I’m so sick of feeling trapped in this catastrophic excuse for a life. It’s hard to determine what’s in my best interest when reality is something that always finds a way to slip through my fingers. What’s rational? What’s not? What’s normal? Is it really “all in my head”? I think not. Everyone’s so fucking two-faced, including myself, but that’s because I just don’t know what I want. I thought I found the strength to break up with my boyfriend, who is a source of my unhappiness, but he is also a major source of stability, a trusted opinion to help control my anger and […]