Author

dyinginny

misdiagnosis/it’s finally time

by dyinginny 2/9/2022

written by dyinginny

I haven’t been on this site for a while. It’s always been a lot people younger than me. I’m 46 and I’ve stuck it out even though I’ve had suicidal ideation since I was 16. I’m 46 now and I’m pretty confident this is my end.

I have been being treated for bipolar disorder on and off for a decade. None of the meds ever worked. At all. Now I know it’s because I have borderline personality disorder and not bipolar. It’s a little too late. I have already lost everything. I used to practice medicine. Btw, I grew up dirt poor and had horrible abusive […]

2/9/2022 1 comment

by dyinginny 7/2/2017

written by dyinginny

Why does everything have to hurt so much? Why can’t anything good be true? Why can’t love exist for people like me? Why are only the nightmares real? I saw a quote today: happiness is a private club that won’t let me enter. If there is a God then I pray for the courage to go through with the suicide plan I have arranged. Spare me the constant humiliation and at least let me die with an ounce of dignity left.

7/2/2017 0 comment

for you

by dyinginny 2/19/2017

written by dyinginny

Hey guys, I haven’t been on in a long time but I found something I think anyone on here would like. I’m suicidal and promise I am not trying to talk anyone into or out of any decision. I found this great video online that made me feel so much better that I cried. It’s not pro or con. Some people might watch it and decide it makes them more comfortable with committing suicide and some people may find it changes their mind. It’s worth watching even if you just know someone suicidal or who has passed from suicide. I don’t know how to post […]

2/19/2017 1 comment

True Courage

by dyinginny 10/30/2016

written by dyinginny

I have been giving things a lot of thought. I’m ready to go now. I have a good method in my hands. I’ve lived a pretty full life. I fought hard for many many years. When I was younger and suicidal I pushed myself. I thought if you are going to kill yourself anyway why not be reckless and have some adventures? I travelled around the world, jumped out of airplanes, took many lovers. I did my best to educate myself, on my own and alone. I did my best to live life to the fullest I could, alone. I took every risk and did […]

10/30/2016 2 comments

The time has come

by dyinginny 10/28/2016

written by dyinginny

i haven’t been on this website for a long time. I used to spend hours a day here. Right now i really need to express myself and there’s no one I can tell. I know we can’t discuss methods but suffice it to say that I have two bottles of a perfect lethal drug in my possession after years of searching for a good method. All I have to do is drink them and within a half hour I will sleep and never wake up again. I have wanted this for so long and plan to do it this weekend but why am I suddenly […]

10/28/2016 12 comments

The End is finally near

by dyinginny 5/18/2016

written by dyinginny

I am a waste of life. I am oh so tired. I’ve been away for a while but now I’m back. This weekend my flame will finally burn out for good.

5/18/2016 5 comments

Paralyzed

by dyinginny 4/9/2016

written by dyinginny

I’ve been away from sp bc I was staying with family to help my mom who was here (NY) from Florida. I got home yesterday and I haven’t moved from my couch since except for the bathroom. I haven’t showered, eaten, unpacked my bags or done anything. I’m starving but I don’t care. I don’t even have the will to get up and eat. I see no point to doing a damn thing. I wonder how long it would take for me to starve to death. Probably too long. I’m just lying here staring at the wall. I feel paralyzed by hopelessness. How does one […]

4/9/2016 5 comments

Hi I’m dyinginny and I’m an alcoholic

by dyinginny 4/1/2016

written by dyinginny

When I got laid off in January I quit all my psych meds except for occasional Xanax for job interviews. I thought I was finally helping myself after years of being a zombie. I was proud of myself and thought the hardest part was over. Wrong. I saw my shrink yesterday and told her I still suffer from extreme nausea and only Xanax and getting drunk makes it go away. She pointed out that my hands were also shaking. She then pointed out the obvious that I have been in denial of. I’m an alcoholic and when my body isn’t drunk or medicated I now […]

4/1/2016 10 comments

I am an evil heartless *****

by dyinginny 3/27/2016

written by dyinginny

So I was watching this show called “Long Island Medium”. It’s a reality show about a psychic medium who helps people talk to their deceased loved ones. I watch it because it reassures me that there is life after death. Tonight I found myself getting angry and resentful. All these people mourning their precious dead. “I was Daddy’s little girl” or “my mom was my best friend”. I felt like smashing the tv thinking “poor thing, your parents (or whoever) actually loved you.” I felt no compassion for these sobbing people at all. I used to be a compassionate person but I have […]

3/27/2016 0 comment

Lost all hope

by dyinginny 3/27/2016

written by dyinginny

It’s Easter Sunday and all I can think is that my life could not possibly be more hopeless. I am 40 yrs old and I have accepted the fact that I will never have a husband, never have children. I haven’t been able to find a job. I’m stressing out about the 2 job interviews I have tomorrow. Everyone else I know is celebrating today with their families and I am laying in bed all alone unable to move. All I want is peace. If I fail to find a job again this week I think I will finally try to end my […]

3/27/2016 10 comments

Can’t take much more

by dyinginny 3/18/2016

written by dyinginny

I read almost every post on SP but I rarely ever post. I take comfort in all of your words and witty banter. I feel like a stalker, lol. Thank you guys, for what it’s worth. I guess I just need to vent today because I feel so lost and alone. I have suffered with suicidal ideation on and off for most of my life. Came close twice but failed. I’m 40 now. No husband, no children, no boyfriend, no job. In January I was laid off and I decided to be strong and try to make big changes in my life and the depression […]

3/18/2016 11 comments

Frustrated

by dyinginny 2/12/2016

written by dyinginny

Lately I’ve tried to respond to posts here on SP and for some reason they don’t show up. Wtf? Even SP is rejecting me. I am at the end of my rope. I’m unemployed and can’t find a job and I’m going to run out of money soon. I’m scared and alone and freaking out. I just want to sleep forever and not have to deal with this nightmare called life. I wish I could find the strength to over come my fear of failing at my suicide attempt. The method I have access to takes about 24 hours and I’m scared of getting found […]

2/12/2016 9 comments

Kurt Cobain

by dyinginny 2/11/2016

written by dyinginny

“If you die you’re completely happy and your soul somewhere lives on. I’m not afraid of dying. Total peace after death, becoming someone else is the best hope I’ve got.”

2/11/2016 9 comments

Drunk already….

by dyinginny 2/4/2016

written by dyinginny

It’s just passed noon here and I’m already drunk. I need to write because I’m struggling alone here. I quit all my psych meds and I’m going through some bad shit. I have to stay strong though. Being on meds made me fat and stupid and lazy. I’m tired of living in a fog. I recently read Anatomy of an Epidemic and it’s about how mental illness has gone out of control since the advent of modern psychotropic medication. Big pharmacy companies are full of shit and for most people these drugs do much more harm than good. I recommend anyone suffering on meds read […]

2/4/2016 9 comments

Lost

by dyinginny 2/2/2016

written by dyinginny

I’ve been reading people’s posts here for about a year and it has helped keep me going. (Thank you all.) I never commented or posted but now I think I’m nearing the end and want to get more involved. I have hit rock bottom. It’s a long story but I lost my job and then I decided to quit all my meds last week because I’m tired of living in a fog. I currently feel incapacitated and I don’t know how I will go on. I live alone and I will run out of money soon. I have enough of a lethal drug to kill […]

2/2/2016 9 comments

Old and alone

by dyinginny 8/9/2015

written by dyinginny

I am 39 years old and I have never been married or had children. I have a job that causes me to have extreme anxiety (I take Xanax, amongst other things) and I dread going there every day. I can’t quit because I need the money to support myself. I feel like life has absolutely no meaning or purpose. It is just emptiness and suffering. I feel so alone and I’m terrified of getting any older. I have researched suicide and I have a plan and all the drugs I need. The only thing I lack is courage because I know it will be a […]

8/9/2015 7 comments