evianwatre

down below is some stuff i wrote for myself to read, it’s my attempt of exploring my relationship with suicide and death. i wrote this in a different language and i simply ran it through google translate, this might be unreadable, but i thought i should post something here once in a while.

everything i’ve wrote is deeply, deeply personal, i’ve never shared an analysis of my mind this personal and in detail before, on anywhere. i might come back and archive this, and also, i feel deeply insecure about my real age, i feel so bad for being this age because i feel like nothing […]

I can’t fucking do this, I can smell the humidity in the air, the scent of summer and the dirt and cicada and the leaves with holes that bugs chew out. The dirty manmade pond and water, the moss and mold, the dirty plaster walls and how I dug and drew on it witb the keys to the only place I knew home. The stickiness in the palms of children holding their money and coins thinking that one comic book and some crossfire skin was all they need in being alive. The oxidized metals and plastic and rusty bikes layed in layers of spiderwebs […]

i want to kill myself before my birthday.

today is the first time i looked back at my posts, i feel so sorry that i never replied to many comments people left for me, but you know…it’s too late to reply now. it’s funny, at first i couldn’t shut up about my mental state to the point where i had to disable my own social media account, now i’m able to stay completely silent, because i no longer feel a thing. the first time i posted about not having a inner monologue was probably the winter of 2019, i remember the first time i had symptoms […]

im tired of being like this, tired of overthinking, tired of sharing and not sharing tired of you telling me you know it but you don’t l’m tired of hearing false shit made up by myself knowing I’m comepletely fucking autistic. I’m tired of thinking that I deserve to get walked over on but when I do it still hurts l’m tired of letting you know l’m tired of keeping it to myself. I’m tired of the memories, l’m tired of the days I can’t go back to but do you know? But can you see? Contradictions over and over again what’s seemingly pretentious what’s […]

i can barely think. it’s as if my brain had stopped running. i don’t know how or what or why, i don’t know how i feel.my emotions and thoughts feel mechanical if i try to observe myself with attention, but if i don’t try i can barely notice a thing. nothing really goes on in my head anymore.
but this is normal.

i just want to be back to being miserable, i miss having an episode, i wish i could cry and go into panic attacks, i don’t know who i am without those emotions. that was once the only acceptable state i could see myself in, […]

I don’t want anything.
“You broke me” but you are a concept, in the end i did this to myself and I deserve every bit of it.

and you, you typing this, you know how everything went down yet you kept on playing the victim, you don’t deserve anything and you know it, not a thing. They didn’t broke you, nobody broke you, it’s just the consequences of you being alive.

what the fuck was I born for? All I did in my life was to ruin things, everything, I fucked up everything, if I was never born none of this would happen, none of me would […]

depression feels like a cleanser, a type of bleach, erasing everything in it’s path. it’s hard to describe because everyday, i feel the same, yet different. it had washed the last bit of passion in me, love, creativity…me, i’m fading away as a whole.

i’ve been trying my best, to describe all this, it’s hard to…type out a word, is this the normality or am i just fucked up?i don’t know, i don’t know, i don’t know. i don’t feel…i don’t know how to describe it, i  feel like i should be happy, or sad, or angry, so i put myself in that state yet i’m […]

I don’t know what to write about anymore. There isn’t a bright route out of this. I don’t know how to ensure a good future when i can’t see any in front of me, i can’t imagine myself growing old, i’m running out of more time and options by the seconds yet i do nothing to stop it. I hate myself so fucking much, so much that i can’t even proper talk to someone anymore because hearing my own voice and me being the way i am is bad enough. i can’t stand this. it’s all my fault. I can;’t even write about anything practical. […]

from what i could remember, it happened during the spring break, when my mother found the receipt of a dress in my father’s suitcase. the dress wasn’t a gift for my mother, in the end, until this day i still don’t know about the full story——i don’t want to know

i was in grade 6.

this is not the event that made everything go wrong, it’s just a small piece of everything that happened, but i don’t want to forget about it, even though sometimes it feels like that the past doesn’t exist, as if my memories were just planted into my brain seconds ago.

my mother and […]

i don’t understand.

something’s wrong.

i know that i’m myself, but something feels wrong. i have to keep doing things to keep myself together, i don’t feel myself. either i’m going insane, or i’m just trying to play the victim again, i fucking hate this, every part of it, every part of me. unintentionally i’ve created so many sides for different people, platform and situations, that they are unable to merge into one. i can’t clearly describe it anymore, if i stop distracting myself for a second i’ll fall into a loop of confusion. something is wrong, i can’t explain what. i feel like i’m transparent, outside […]

usually I could write about things. I don’t know who I am, I thought I had hypersomnia but now I can’t sleep, everything is wrong but I can’t scream out. nothing is right, nothing I do is right, i can’t even write things out anymore. I feel weak, my head is completely quiet yet somehow, somewhere isn’t right. All I want is a way out, all I want is to stop being like this. Something isn’t right and I don’t know how or what, I don’t feel safe in myself anymore, I don’t feel settled, I don’t feel alive. This is my best attempt to […]

the more recent the breakdown is, the more it feels like a faraway dream.

Apparently closed eye hallucination is a thing. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t dreaming, I was fully awake, I felt as if my eyes were open, then I had to close my eyes multiple times in the hallucination to open my eyes in real life. I felt first as if I was lying on the other side of the room, then from the dark behind my eyelids I saw a man walking to the washroom, I was squatting by a trash bin, there was a cup of coffee on top of the bin, the man walked into the washroom, then suddenly there was an lineup, a […]

crying wouldn’t get the things out.

If you ever had those Asian meat and veggie stews, there’s a layer of oil floating on top of the sauce and liquid, and at the bottom of the sauce there are grains and clumps of food. When you drain the oil out, the clumps are still in the bowl, more compact, nothing changes. Tearing up is only draining the oil out.

I hate this, I hate how I’m in a constant conflict with myself, and I’m always the one at fault, since I’m fighting myself, I can’t win. Something really trivial happened and just triggered everything back. at least im not […]

what is it like to be loved?i wouldn’t know. escapism has gone so far where i don’t think i can face the truth, that i’m still alive, in the world. i’m still all alone. nobody’s there to listen, nobody’s there to love me, nobody knows this side except for myself, and i hate myself for it.

i hate myself, oh my god i hate myself with every single cell in my body. the depressive episode ended and being alive has been a numb, grey process of eating, sleeping, playing games, and more, the things i hate myself for. i can’t release the shadows, i can’t feel […]

I woke up, again. into the world where that wouldn’t leave a space for me, to be filled with hatred and anger and disappointment and sadness as everything rushes their way back in again. Yet I know that it’s my fault, but I can’t help to long to be loved.i know I’ll never be, I know because I can’t even put up with loving myself.
I woke up again, for the 5621st time in my life. The sky is gray, I need to go, but to do what? For what?

to work towards a future for myself that’ll only satisfy people around me. Yet the only beautiful […]

one day in gr 3’s summer break, i sat through the tv sales ads and watched spongebob all morning just like every day else.

around 1 I took a nap.

mosquito bumps, the buzz of cicada, the linen beddings were moist to the touch, air conditioning wasn’t on to save power. It was nap time yet I wasn’t sleepy. i remember how my eyes traced to the patterns of the off white nylon curtains. i wasn’t much of a napping person as a child, but the only way to escape the heat was to go to sleep.

then the afternoon, it was the hottest part of the day. […]

stopping to ask myself why i can suddenly stop after laughing to other people’s jokes, and there i realized that i’ve been completely joyless, i find comfort and relief in pleasant things, i “enjoy” them in a way, but i don’t feel happy, i can’t bring myself to raise my energy on anything. i’m recording this for me to read later, i think writing this down might help me destress. but i don’t feel the stress, i can’t feel stressed anymore, all there is is fear of what’s up to come, the consequences if  i don’t get something done, or if i’ll make a choice […]

how many times will it take for me to completely burn out? my head is going black every 5 seconds, and it’s so easy to just freeze in one spot for minutes without realizing. i’m trying to distract myself, but i have to do the work. the words on paper seem to be becoming thinner, the the white of the document peaks through from the letters, almost hurting my eyes. i can read the words but it take minutes for me to interoperate what i’ve been reading, i can’t put a sentence together

i’m so tired, i’d die to take a nap right now, but i […]