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evildandelions

I can't remember not being depressed.

heartache

by evildandelions
written by evildandelions

The sadness is a heavy weight in my chest, a deep empty feeling.

It’s better than being angry, I think, but this pain is so consuming.  If I’m not actively distracting myself (and even sometimes when I am) I can just feel her absence, the loss.

I don’t want to feel this way.  I’m so tired of being sad.  And even worse, I think I’d be happy if my heart wasn’t broken.  After ten years I finally feel like my depression is lifting, but I still feel incredibly sad anyway.

It still feels unreal, that she left.  She’s my best friend- I was her best friend- and I thought […]

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I can only cry

by evildandelions
written by evildandelions

It’s as if all I can do is cry.

Even just spending maybe two hours with my family for Christmas was hard. Pretending to be okay even though I feel like half my family is missing- how could I be spending Christmas without her?

How could I be spending my life without her?

It still feels unreal; I think of her, of memories with her and I can’t believe that she could leave me.  She called me her wife.  She said I was for forever.  I just can’t get over the idea that she’s gone. The idea that she could leave me, that we wouldn’t be together, was […]

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Lonely

by evildandelions
written by evildandelions

My friend that was visiting left yesterday.  Now I’m alone and I don’t know how to adjust.  I feel like my ex-fiance is supposed to be here, with me- I miss our life.  It feels unreal.  It feels empty.  I used to have someone I could share everything with.  Now I’m just alone; there’s nobody to care about me like she did/does, to be there to comfort me every time I cry, to share even the mundane parts of life.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt such painful sadness despite being depressed for a decade and other painful events.  Of course, maybe that’s just proximity bias. […]

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Anger

by evildandelions
written by evildandelions

I’ve been so angry at my ex, sometimes to the point where I want to say or do mean things.  I’ve been able resist actually saying anything (although at one point I made my friend hold onto my phone so I couldn’t text her).

But in the last few day I’ve been feeling a little less angry, just so incredibly sad (although I expect the anger to return periodically).  I miss her and everything we had.  I miss the future I thought we’d have together.  I miss having someone who knew me as well as she did, someone who is my best friend, who I can trust […]

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Feeling Crazy

by evildandelions
written by evildandelions

I’ve said numerous times that I felt crazy, but nothing compares to this.

I feel so impulsive it scares me, like I can barely control myself.  The anxiety is near constant and so overwhelming that my body becomes s0 physically agitated that I can’t stand it- at times I’ll cry and clutch my stomach, writhing in mental and sometimes physical pain.

I am so angry and sad and betrayed and- it feels like there is too much going on in my head.  I know, rationally, I don’t want to lash out in anger, but the urge and pain is so strong.  I know, rationally, that I could get through […]

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Worst

by evildandelions
written by evildandelions

Today, as I wracked with sobs, hiding from my parents and my visiting friend, never have I ever wanted to be dead as much.

I am so angry-sad that, in the first time I can remember, I was so close to being truly happy only to have it snatched away literally weeks before it could’ve happened.  I could’ve been not depressed (or significantly less so) and still be engaged to the woman I love.  She is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Even after everything I’ve been through, this might be the worst.  Maybe because I was so close to being happy, that it was actually attainable. […]

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Not interested

by evildandelions
written by evildandelions

My friend came to visit;  I invited him because I was so depressed and lonely.  But now I don’t know if I can handle it.  He tells me that “there’s so much more in life that’s beautiful” or other bullshit that I really am tired of hearing.

It’s not that I can’t get over my ex, at least enough to function- I’ve had about a decade of practice of being functional (at least the minimum) while being incredibly depressed.  I think that’s one of the reasons my ex said that I was strong.  Recently, she said she was the weak one in the relationship when I […]

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Empty

by evildandelions
written by evildandelions

I feel so heart-broken, that even having my depression improve doesn’t feel important to me.  I want to be happy with my ex-fiance.  It feels so cruel for my depression to maybe finally lift a little, only to lose the most important person to me.  I feel like a part of myself is missing.

It just all feels so impossible. Like it can’t be happening.  Or that it shouldn’t be happening.  I just can’t stand it.

I have a friend coming to visit me.  I invited him because I really need a friend, in person, right now.  I don’t have any local friends.  But I don’t know […]

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Emotionally all over the place

by evildandelions
written by evildandelions

I feel weird.

Still grieving the loss of my fiance.  Still feeling the anxiety and physical pain that comes with it.  Still having moments where I feel like I can’t breathe because I think about her and how everything we had is gone.  I alternate between feeling incredibly sad and angry.  I miss her so much, she’s my best friend, but then I’m angry too, feeling so betrayed that she could even do this.

Then there’s the TMS.  I only just started the treatments this week and everything I’ve read about it says that results aren’t seen until about three weeks in.  And yet I feel different.  It […]

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My fiance left me

by evildandelions
written by evildandelions

We’d been together for exactly 2 years and 10 months when she broke up with me.  Two weeks ago, we’d been happy.  I never believed this could happen. I think I’m still in shock.  She called me wife sometimes and said she felt like we were already married.  We had a future planned, including kid names and a possible move overseas.

Maybe it would be easier if the reason we broke up was because we weren’t a good couple. I’m not entirely clear on the reasons she broke up with me- I’m not sure even she is – but I can make a good guess.  She has […]

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Of course

by evildandelions
written by evildandelions

Things were actually going ok.  My meds actually worked, it was the “happiest” I’ve been in years.  But of course, like always, it never lasts.  I’ve been feeling kinda low these past few weeks.  I think I need to up the dose on my meds and if it’s like any of the other meds I’ve tried, then eventually it’ll stop working at all.

Then today I felt depressed.  I had to drag myself to class, I had to force myself to pay attention to the lecture and not just fall apart.  I thought it was bad, but then I come home to find out that my […]

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worst.

by evildandelions
written by evildandelions

I’m not sure if I’ve ever felt this awful.  Except maybe when I found out Amber was dead.

I feel sick.  Exhausted.  I spent so much of last night crying and then I couldn’t sleep.  I felt so tired it hurt, but I just couldn’t seem to fall asleep.

I’m considering calling my school’s on-call psychologist, but I’m scared.  Either that it won’t help or that they’ll try to force me into a hospital.  I wish I could talk to my girlfriend, but I’m 99% positive that she’s going to break up with me.  I’m not sure I can hear that right now.  I don’t want to […]

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Hope is a cruel mistress.

by evildandelions
written by evildandelions

About a week ago, I felt like maybe the medication was helping.  I smiled, unconsciously, for possibly the first time in years.  And for a couple days I felt maybe it was possible for me to be happy.  But a couple of days is all that I get, before I’m miserable again.  I really don’t know if I have the energy to pick up the pieces again.

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Hell.

by evildandelions
written by evildandelions

I really don’t know how to cope right now.

I’m going to have to get a medical withdrawal from my calculus class because I can’t pass it.  Making this summer a waste, and leaving me with nothing to do until August when the fall semester starts.  I feel like the new medication I’m on is making me anxious and easily tearful- once I start crying, it’s so hard to stop.  I feel like I’m almost always on the verge of tears.  Smoking weed has been the only thing that has ever helped, even in the slightest, but since I’m trying to get a job, I can’t […]

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thursday.

by evildandelions
written by evildandelions

Everything’s been making me cry.  I cried though my entire math class yesterday.  And it’s a 2 and a half hour class.

I don’t know how to do things anymore.  It takes me forever to get things done and I feel so fucking stupid.  I can work on a math problem for hours and still not be any closer to solving it.  I don’t know how I’m going to pass that test on Monday.

I’m trying another mood stabilizer, but it’ll be another week or two before I’m on a full dose, and even then I don’t really expect it to do anything.  Except the side effects, […]

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glimpse

by evildandelions
written by evildandelions

I actually kind of enjoyed school today.  Studying with classmates– I could almost pretend I had friends.  And being playfully teased by a cute girl?  I think I actually blushed.

But then I go home and the reality that I don’t really have any friends is inescapable.  And I’m sure I’m too crazy for any girl to like me.

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something.

by evildandelions
written by evildandelions

There is nothing I really enjoy anymore and I have no real friends left. I don’t think I can pass any of my classes this semester.  My brain just doesn’t seem to work anymore.  I could take a medical withdraw, but ultimately what good would it do?  I’d just go back to school next semester and it would be the same thing all over again, except then I’d be even more behind in getting my degree.  I hate this.  I know I have the intellectual ability to do well in school, but I just can’t function.  I’ve tried so much over the years yet it […]

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drunk and ugh.

by evildandelions
written by evildandelions

I hate being alone all the time.  Especially now.  I’m kind of drunk, so I’m actually kind of in a good mood.  Well, good might be a bit of an overstatement, but it’s like I can pretend to be okay and I just wish there was someone to hang out with me and be silly drunk with.   Bonus points if they’re a cute girl I can make out with.  Haha.

I miss having friends.  Real friends.  Even if one of my (so-called) friends called me right now, it still wouldn’t be the same.  I haven’t seen them a long time. Or even really talked to […]

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