Not interested

My friend came to visit;  I invited him because I was so depressed and lonely.  But now I don’t know if I can handle it.  He tells me that “there’s so much more in life that’s beautiful” or other bullshit that I really am tired of hearing.

It’s not that I can’t get over my ex, at least enough to function- I’ve had about a decade of practice of being functional (at least the minimum) while being incredibly depressed.  I think that’s one of the reasons my ex said that I was strong.  Recently, she said she was the weak one in the relationship when I asked her about why she left me.  I don’t understand this as a reason, disagree with it profoundly, but I realize it’s not the only reason.  She may not even fully understand herself why.  I suspect that it’s because of all the things I have said, unknowingly triggering her.  Not that this reason makes it any easier, but I can understand it.

The problem is that I don’t want to get over my ex.  I only want my life with her back.  I want our future together back; it’s the only future I want.  It’s the only future I can imagine- I believed her when she said I was forever, that she felt like we were already married, when she called me her wife.  And marriage for her, as it is for me, is a serious commitment.  For her, she said divorce was not an option.

I can’t kill myself, at least my physical self.  I couldn’t do that to my parents; my dad cried at the thought of losing me that way.  But I’m already dead inside, just so tired after a decade of depression and anxiety and two traumatic events (which seem to happen every two-ish years; first one in 2009, the second in late 2011, and then this break-up which is destroying me).  I kind of want to just let myself wither away- I have no interest in food and can barely make myself eat (I’ve had to spit out food because trying to swallow it made me feel sick), but after looking up the effects of starvation, I don’t think I really want to do that.  Although it might happen anyway without me trying.

I feel like I want to cut myself.  I’ve never been a cutter; I’ve literally only have done it twice, but I just can’t stand this.  I don’t want to exist in a world where I’m not with my ex.