I spent most of today doing math homework with a girl from my class. Â I actually didn’t mind the math homework so much because at least it meant I got to socialize with someone. Â But it also depressed me. Â She kept getting messages on her phone from friends and several people she knew stopped to say hi to her as they walked to class. Â And then there’s me, for whom it’s unusual if I get more than a couple texts a week and all the social interactions I’ve had in the past 7 months can be counted on my hands. Â I miss Amber more […]
I’m in a strange mood. Â I would almost say a good mood, but I feel that’s misleading. It’s not that my suicidal desires are gone, but that they’re simply pushed back in my mind. Â I know it’s a bad idea to self-diagnose, but moods like this make me wonder if I could be bipolar. Â I feel like my current mood could be described as a hypomanic episode. Â For instance, even though I only had maybe four hours of sleep last night, I feel energetic. I want to go out and do something. Â If I had friends I’d call them up and maybe we’d go to […]
I wasn’t able to get to sleep last night until after three. Â And since I took a nap after I left class early today (couldn’t focus on the lecture and could barely hold back the tears), I’m not sure if I’ll get any sleep tonight. Â If only I could actually use this time to be productive, like maybe start reading the book for which I have to write an essay on for Tuesday.
If Amber were still alive, I’d be on the next fucking plane to see her. Â I’d drop everything. Â I wouldn’t care if it would set me back another semester or if it meant […]
I texted one my of my “friends” this morning, even though I was mad at him because he can’t seem to ever find time for me. Â He doesn’t respond to texts, never calls me even when he says he will, and those rare times he does manage to call me he can never seem to stay on the phone long, always something like “oh my friend is here” or “my ride is here.” Â I was hoping that maybe he could somehow find time to call me today. Â After I text him he tries to call me but since I’m in class I can’t answer it, […]
I spent most of my math class trying not to cry. Â of course, that means I only waited until I got home. Â and now, I don’t even know what to do with myself. Â I have plenty of school work to do or catch up on, but I just can’t do it right now. Â I can’t function right now. Â and no one even notices. Â My so-called friends don’t bother to talk to me. Â I’m lucky if they respond to my e-mails or texts at all. I don’t want to try anymore. Â I’m so tired of trying, and it just gets worse and worse. Â I had to […]
I feel nothing. Â I’m not even drunk. Â Yet. Â I’m working on remedying that fact.
I’m watching ‘But I’m a Cheerleader” and I love the movie but it makes me sad. Â I miss my girlfriend. Â Ex-girlfriend. Â Whatever. Â She’s dead now, what difference does it make?
I am so lonely. Â I’ve been lonely since I moved here, but at least before she died I knew I could always call her. Â Talk to her. Â Have phone sex with her. Heh. Â I thought phone sex would be so awkward, but it wasn’t at all. Â It was fucking awesome.
5 shots.
I can’t seem to actually care about anything. Â Like I said, I feel […]
I wish I Â just had someone I could actually talk to without them freaking out and calling the police.
I wish I had drugs. any fucking thing. Â I was never really into alcohol, but at this rate I’ll be an alcoholic before christmas. Â The only reason I didn’t cry myself to sleep last night was because I was drunk and stoned. Â so incredibly stoned. Â Although I have such mixed feelings about that. Â I love being high, but it reminds me of her. Â Although, everything reminds me of her. Â She’s all I think about. Â But at least when I’m high I’m willing to try.
When I’m not, […]
There is not a single person I like.
The chances I have a mental breakdown, or at least say something regretable, in my class tomorrow (I call it Bullshit 101) is way too high.
There is only so much bullshit and stupidity I can deal with. Â I don’t have a very high tolerance normally, but this is ridiculous. Â I feel like I might explode. Â I am so tired of hearing people whine about things they know nothing about, or assume that my opinion or the source of my facts is wrong simply because it doesn’t coincide with theirs. Â “Oh, that’s not what I heard.”
I’m actually crying. Â A rare occurrence for me.
I have an incredible […]
It took me over an hour to get out of bed this morning. Â It wasn’t because I was tired. Â I had slept for 12 hours. Â But I didn’t want to get up. Â I didn’t want to be awake.
I don’t know how I am going to get through this semester. Â Papers to write, assignments to do, tests to take and hopefully not fail.
I am so tired.
The depression immobilizes me. Â I can never seem to get everything done.
I wish I could stop time.
So it was my 21st birthday. At least I can now buy all the alcohol I want/need. We went to the only club that played industrial music on a wednesday night. It was a nice place, K___ would have loved it. But no one talked to me. Of course, maybe hanging out with people several decades older than you doesn’t really help. But still, I was totally hoping to get laid.
Of course, I’m not sure if my desire to get laid is mostly out of desire for sex or simply desire for any kind of social interaction. I find myself wishing that my pet rat […]
For some reason, I’m feeling even more depressed than I have in awhile. Â Just a sudden blitz attack where all I want to do is cry and hibernate. Â To make it worse, I had my first visit with my new psychiatrist. Â He wasn’t a bad guy; just didn’t seem very personable. Â Sort of like the stereotypical scene where you talk to the shrink and he silently, betraying no emotion, writes something down on his notepad. Â It wasn’t so much his demeanor though, but more that after telling him about all the other antidepressants I’ve been on (and other medications that were used to “help” the […]
I don’t really feel depressed anymore, per se. Â More that I lack the desire to live. Â Everything is so pointless. Â College is a waste of time. Â This is my fourth year of college and yet the only useful information I’ve learned could be compounded into 2 or 3 classes. Â Everything else is mostly just a repeat of high school (except easier sometimes) or useless trivia.
In theory, I have friends. Â But in practice? Â Let’s just say I haven’t had more than 5 minutes of conversation with any of my so-called friends in the past, oh, 2 months about. Â And although it would be nice to […]
I’m so tired of all the condescending niceties people say to me. Â They tell me it’ll get better. Â It’s been over 8 years and no, it hasn’t. Â They say maybe a different drug will help. Â I’ve been on 9 different drugs in various combinations and no, nothing has worked for any significant amount of time. Â They tell me that exercise will help. Â I did cross country and track throughout high school and that never helped in the slightest. Â They tell me to “fake it until you make it.” Â Why don’t I get a steel baseball bat and you can “fake it until you make it” […]
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