heartlessviking

I’m not out of the woods, not remotely. There’s three weeks left of stress, then a month of anticipation before the cycle begins anew.

I just got a decent night sleep, and am closer to functioning than I have been in at least a week. I want control but I’ll settle for not being in constant pain. The irony is that what that took was getting away from pain killers.

Anyway, I can breath, sleep, and I lost another few pounds. These are things that make me feel better. Like a firefly on a pitch black night, these little pleasures remind me that things get better.

I don’t […]

I hate myself for even expressing any of this, but here I am in the middle of the night, unable to sleep because I can’t fucking get well.

It’s idiotic. I can fucking perform so well at the stupid university game, or at the stupid job game, heck even at the FUCKING house cleaning game. But my fucking body?

It’s a nightmare. Imagine being insanely competent and it not making any difference. Imagine having all the willpower and strength you could imagine, and more, yet not getting to use any of it to take care of yourself. Imagine never fucking getting better, yet everyone is happy because […]

I’d been musing on this one. Why is it that finding out that others have the same pain seems to make the pain less bad?

It seems like there is something about knowing that we have something in common with others that comforts us.

Is it a good thing? Is it harmful?

What the fuck am I supposed to say to people? I don’t like any of my options. There I go again, like some spoiled child. “This food doesn’t taste right”, “That isn’t fair!” I stamp my foot and demand my way, but what do I want?! Nuts. Not literally nuts, more like a filler word meaning who’s to say what I want? I mean, there’s an abstract. I want control. I want input. I want to be able to be my ideal self, but fuck that’s a tall order.

I’m just feeling morbid again. Down again. I’ve been getting sick lately, 4 times in the last […]

haven’t said anything in a little bit, I’ve been productive recently. I finished my associates and have begun working on a double major in computer science and psychology. Seriously, what is the deal with me biting off way more than I should. Oh well, halfway through the semester. My energy is still really low, but I only have to go out twice a week so that’s nice.

I’m still waiting on the bike path to open, and that’s the only exercise that appeals to me at the moment. I’ve been having panic attacks in my sleep, which is pushing my fiance to push me to go […]

Why?

Why believe in anything? Anyone? Nothing at all is certain.

I loved a woman once, with all I could. I poured out myself trying to make that work. Yet, that ended. Now I have a fine woman, but she is not my focus. If she were gone, I would go on with no issue. I’m prepared for that.

There is no person on this planet who has not screwed up. There also isn’t a single person without a redeeming quality. This makes sorting or any sort of processing of human beings fundamentally futile.

Then there is the world I see. I have journeyed to madness and back. What […]

This life, this world, so empty.

I used to think I was the flaw, that there is something wrong with my vision.

Yet now……. my vision is all I have. Yet my eyes lie.

I ask others what is of value, how can I fill the emptiness. They tell me about power, intelligence, wealth. Yet, I have had some measure of all these things, and the emptiness remained.

I just want to stop pretending. Stop lying that I care about petty things. I don’t care. Not that I don’t care about anything, I just don’t care about the things that I should.

I don’t care about money, I suppose either […]

At last I have reached the point that I am able with all sanity to admit to what I am afraid of. I am able only because none of you know who I am. I am only able because I feel like if I told anyone other than strangers and whatever supernatural entities exist, I must be mad.

I am mad, utterly mad. I’m mad to think that the path I walk will work because I will it to be. I’m mad with self fascination. But don’t you see? I am afraid of that which lies within my head and my heart.

That’s why I’ve been trying […]

My cat died.

He’d been having seizures for a few months, and apparently he died mid seizure in the night. I cried more than I have in a long time. I tried to be strong, remember how much my cat meant to me. We buried him in my in law’s yard (we can’t do it where I live).

Now there is just a hole that my sweet cat left behind. The other animals don’t understand that I really need them to step up. I don’t want to replace him, I just…. I want him back. He’s not coming back though. I’m sleeping a lot right now, while […]

No smokes, no gas, no money, not really much of a future either

Yet this stupid movie, the Lumberjack Man, makes me happy. Working on 3d prints makes me happy. I take comfort in what I have, I also have a few pieces of Popeye’s fried chicken. Life isn’t all bad is my point. I can get by on what I’ve got.

Things seem to be getting worse. It’s not enough that the transmission shop has my truck held hostage. It’s not enough that I am struggling in school. It’s not enough that my parents think that my depression is a series of “tantrums”.

The school, who we paid money, is refusing to have a single bit of compassion or empathy. I don’t know why I expect people to help. Oh, and to add insult to injury, the jackass state I live in has made it illegal to smoke on state property. That sounds perfectly reasonable? It is even illegal to smoke in the bed of the truck […]

lost my former career, my body and mind can’t stand the abuse anymore…. it will be what it will.

lost so many I have cared for, relationships eroded away by time.

So I tried to cling to what I had left, health, intelligence, and freedom

now even that may be lost. These men have taken my peace and my private property, and they did it legally.

I trusted them to fix my truck, and they did, right before getting it in a wreck. They demand payment on a project that they ruined. I don’t care if they fixed what they were supposed to, I trusted them with my vehicle, […]

I’ve already unloaded a few times about this, since it happening a few hours ago. Yet this is an important part of my process that I haven’t discussed.

Disclaimer:Christianity and Rant within.

So they got me to go back to the church I grew up in. Of course you can never really go home again, but, as John Cusack says in Grosse Pointe Blank, “You can shop there.”

It’s a terrible church. If one ever finds oneself in my metropolitan area, I recommend the Non Denoms if one is into rich people who are full of themselves.

That is the reality of red state living. Christianity is thinly veiled […]

Yesterday the transmission went out on my work truck. To be clear my work truck is my favorite vehicle I have ever driven. It has a great motor, good build, just needs to be better taken care of. That is difficult to do when one drives several hundred miles a week on a 20 year old truck. So today after 5 hours of hard driving it just gave up. Of course, like me, it will go get taken care of and put back together. Given that this is the most expensive part of owning a truck…. hopefully things get better from here.

Every word other than […]

Today is the worst I’ve felt since bouncing back. This heat seems to be getting worse by the day. I know part of it is lack of access to a pool. I’ve done all I can to get to the pool at least every other day. Then today I got tomorrow’s swim time taken away….. Then I worked myself to heat exhaustion mowing the lawn.

It seems like if I was really suicidal I could just push myself into heat stroke….. Huh, I just realized that I have made an attempt. I have made a number of them using heat stroke. Back then I wouldn’t drink […]

The look I see in the mirror, empty yet determined

I don’t remember when I posted on my recent moves upward on the mood stage.

The thing is, I still think about death… sometimes I still even would prefer it to the future ahead.

It isn’t looking down that creates this emotion. That’s what I find interesting. If I am working on getting through a daily crisis, morbid thoughts don’t spring to mind.

It’s looking up that is deadly. If I look up I can see the other people, those who never got sick. These are the people I grew up with. It isn’t surprising that many of them are well off, influential or otherwise blessed. It just […]

As I probably said on here at some point on Sunday I was very serious about killing myself. It pisses me off how much everyone else makes it about them. It’s as if it doesn’t matter that I choose not to kill myself over and over. I’m made to feel guilty for trying to cope. Anyone relate?

So the situation came to a head over something I said last night. My significant other and I were hanging out after a long day. I was trying to explain my new escape plan. She doesn’t want me to go to the hospital because of the perceived expense. So […]