just turned 19 ive already am off to a bad start lost my only friend and the weird part is I DONT EVEN CARE. i have no current desire to patch our friendship up. I guess its because then ill have one less thing to worry about, to act
happy with, to feel judged around and to avoid certain sensitive topics with like what ive been up to. which has been shit all. No job no school, few interesting feats and gossip. i am house bound ii am pathetic and lazy. i stay up all nite searching for the answers and […]
How to stop these constant feelings of guilt and patheticness. I feel everything’s my fault, its horrible
These emotions,,, or lack of them, they are just as bad as physical pain. This boredom is horrible, adderalls doing the opposite of what it should be and i dont know why: i have no desire to do yoga, make cookies. talk to anybody or ill feel agitated and extremely anxious and robotic like(not fun) i am unable to genuinely laugh or smile or even sing without.
I want to feel joy for one, sweet lasting feelings of wellbeing, confidence, desire. 🙁
It’s easy for me to give it and think that the world works against me. I’ve had 19 years of suffering in silence, . Day after day of constant disappointment, negative feedback, anxiety, confusion, and isolation. These things have all contributed to my unhealthy belief system still deeply ingrained in my mind.Â
No I’m not retarted, in fact, over the years I’ve realized I’m quite intelligent. I just feel the world a whole lot more intensely, so much that it hurts, feelings are so strong that they’re harder to change, imagine being x10 times more sensitive to everything that goes on. I easily absorb peoples energy, My […]
Starting to care less about what p eople think of me. I don’t know what to write my thoughts are so jumbled I want to write though. I need to get my thoughts out. so basically I am wasting my life I am too Pathetic to push myself, I have no current interest in looking for a new job, there’s no way I’m going to be able to go back to school in the fall, I don’t like the idea of being the oldest one there, I really dont. So I’m not gonna do it . I really don’t give a shit about not graduating, […]
Dammit i feel like crap im scared to admit it. Ive just contradicted the past things ive said…i always do. Im really so confused. Fuck the paion is just so harsh it makes me want to give up and just stop trying because its too painfull to do anything. I admit im feeling shitscared about my dr appt today yes its orrational but nonetheless it is there. My thoughts just dominate me togeat lengths.
I honesrly dont even know what im thinking or what i want. its fuckinghard to explain
i havent had anysleep tonite. No desire for it i take […]
I need reassurance. I think way to much. i need to be productive. Block out any damaging thoight that is uncomfortable. I have to stop analysing stop second guessing myaelf.
Any dosturbing thought -BLOCKED.
As i conciously start identofying bad thoughts i realiZe theyre EVERYWHERE and i LET them dictate how i feel.
Any suggestions how i can block these uncomfortable thoughts??
For example i often analyze what ive said to someone or how i answered them and i asked myself “how did that sound to them? And all these uncomdortable questions about what ive done and if i did it “right” i […]
Almost 19 female. No job. No school. No friends (okay one friend) no goals. no joy no life.
I look at kids younger than me who have everything going for them i cant help but feel inadequatr pathetic and jealous. I am so disconnected to this world i spend most of it in my house alone watching tv drivig myself crazy with my thoughts. Iwonder what other girls my age are doing. Im sick of being so unadjusted. I know dwelling on it doesnt help but it is good to ley out my feelings. How do i l stop judging myself and comparing to other […]
Twists turns my stomache aches i sweats my thoughts race. Mental torture my mind feels dull dry and overheated and robotlike.
As the same everyday routine goes by you lose track of the days things become blirry and numb.
Yes it has become a chore to laugh. It feels so fake. Its hard to genuinly enjoy any moment.
I am a slave to the dishwasher, weve become quite close we bond at least 3 times aday.
Spending time with it seems to be a highlite of my day. Yes its helpful and i feel good about doing it but when thats the only thig you do day […]
I know its there, ive felt it before. I must find it. I didnt know i could feel so good and alive. It comes so naturally to most other people. But for me o have tp get it from alcohol or abuse of my perscription drugs. The feeling of clearance, contentment, knowing what i want. Actually joy, insane cobfidence in myself. I know what ive been missing all my life. Its so frusterating to thonk that ove been deprived of it all my life while others ignorantly take it for granted.
Why cant i have these goos feelings of confidence and joy regularly?
I am desperate […]
Motivated, sociable, confident, excited, content, carefree, intrigued: these are what i should be experiencing….i realise they are what normal people have. Ive been only able to get it from a pill or alcohol for a brief amount of time. Then back to lifeless, driveless, confusion, and anxiety.
I want to feel what most other people feel. No it is not a high as i once thought. It is normal regualr feelings i should be experiencing lile everyone else.
I am not weak i am not lazy….. I am incredibly smart and strong.
if i held on for too long
….i can hold on for a […]
It cant be a coincidence that I am starting to identify the realistic truths about how things are ever since ive started taking the drug risperidone.
I think i am schizophrenic…im becoming increasingly aware that my perceptions are and have been very off.
I am finally starting to see things for what they are… I will challange myself to challange my false perceptions and change them into healthier more rational thoughts.
Maybe then I will allow myself to experience true lasting joy without a conspiracy around every corner. I am starting to realise the truth : that everyone isnt conspiring against me.. That they dont […]
Stop telling me I should be somewhere, i should be helping something that doesn’t exist, stop telling me I’ve commited a crime stop telling me I am hurting people. I am not pathetic, stop filling me with guilt,paranoia, refrain from blocking deserving feelings of joy, acceptance, piece, excitement, love and pleasure. I didn’t do anything bad, stop telling me i did. Stop telling me time is running out or how the fate of the world rests on my hand. Do not lie to me and convince me That I am responsible for every war, fight, illness, failure, death or papercut.
Stop disconnecting my thoughts […]
Its amaxing to realise that this “high” i had felt wasnt really a high at all it just a foreign reactiontat o detected as a high but really it is the normal feelings that i am supposed to feel. This is my theory anyway….i really hope its accurate :/.
I can only imagine how azing high must feel….beyond satisfying.
Oh how ive been missing out.
Itakes me rage inside to see how other people have these “normal” feelings without even realising how good they have it.
Anyway …i feel these feeling starting to come about naturally..growing stronger and stronger…
maybe one day ill really believe it […]
This is mental torture. My brain wont allow positive feelings and pleasures, it rejects them like foreign territory. It is not used to positivity so it doesnt know what to do with it. It teased me by making me feel confident and excided and content and motivated for a very short time then slaps me back in the face and replaces these good feelings with guilt anxiety paranoia saddness bordome and fear. It feeds these thoughts into my mind virtually automaticly , thoughts like “you are undeserving to feel content, get praise, . You are a bad person your doing it all wrong, you cant […]
The few times I do get these positive, confident, happy normal feelings they dont last long, the anxious , worrying , undeserving, guilt feelings creep in and over power the good feelings. NO matter what i think to try to deflect them they still hang around.
What can I do. Its not fair. They robb me of my joy in life. I ALWAYS FEEL SOO GUILTY. ITS one of the worst feelings ever. How can i get rid of these awful feelings for good? I want to be able to get myself to believe that i am deservong of these good feelings !!!! Please help.
The following are typical feelings or behaviors and beliefs I have and have lived with daily : (i will keep it relatively condensed and in no particular order);.
I am physically a caucasion(white) 18 year old female i consider myself to be very attractive and i am told that i am. i used to have troubles believing that i am beautiful but now i am starting to see it. i also have realised dispite my struggles specificly acedemically i have come to know i actually am breath takingly intullectual.i have an interest in boys and from a glance i look to be a […]
….cause i am worth more than a piece of brainless metal. like some ignorant low lifes out there. I will one day be strong enough to not get dented by peoples ignorance. Along with that ill still have my.emotional maturity to be sensitive to people and understand them. That is worth more than a tough piece of cold heartless metal. I can at least control my frusterations enough to make a young innocent girl not feel like a trashcan.
Yeah ill learn to get over it, . Its not easy doing the right thing most.of the time, vut you learn to […]
Thinking rationally through simple reasoning a decent. person can come.to.terms and understand that hate is nothing short of an illusion. What we actually mean when we say “i hate this, i hate you, that is stupid, i could care less about that.” We are actually saying that we do not understand, we just dont care to learn, we are frusterated or we care more than we’d like to admit. If only we could all find the wherewith all to admit we are misjuging of otheres and wed like to think we are the ones who are right and the other is in wrong and you […]
were always wanting more. were setting ourseves up for weakness, like we need the nexgeneration of the latest gizmo to fullfill our satisfaction threshhold as i like to call it. we think we re fixing the void and we will be happy once we just have ONE more thing. Sounds reasonable right? to the untrained eye.
Little do many know is that were only RAISING the bar on our satisfactory threshhold meter meaning our minds are becoming desensitized to the satisfaction that the new flavour of the month was giving us and it craves more!; a more intense, unique more satisfying flavour. We […]
Newer Posts