Overstimulating world

It’s easy for me to give it and think that the world works against me. I’ve had 19 years of suffering in silence, . Day after day of constant disappointment, negative feedback, anxiety, confusion, and isolation. These things have all contributed to my unhealthy belief system still deeply ingrained in my mind. 

No I’m not retarted, in fact, over the years I’ve realized I’m quite intelligent. I just feel the world a whole lot more intensely, so much that it hurts, feelings are so strong that they’re harder to change, imagine being x10 times more sensitive to everything that goes on. I easily absorb peoples energy, My wounds take longer to heal. In this fast-moving world filled with distractions makes it very difficult to keep up with for the sensitive person. Everything can be going smooth one minute and one small hiccup can leave me paralyzed. People don’t realize how well adjusted to life they are, they take it for granted, I admit I am jealous. I’ve always wondered how they do it so effortlessly!
      
I’ve had to make so many adaptions to myself fit in with societies standards, it has left me drained and thirsting for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. 

I Am a slow learner only because  I take things in and overanalyze them. My mind is a race track filled with so many feelings that it’s hard to make sense of them which lands me in the pit of confusion. Being a highly sensitive person is at the very least a huge burden, no, no, it is DEBILITATING beyond belief. You are constantly on guard just looking for ‘threats.” you’re never quite sure of yourself, you’re alwAys second guessing because you EXPECT to fail. 
I can tell you what all this feels like, it feels like your balancing the world on your fingertips, like your always being waited on.and the world never sleeps. My difficulties are  different  than your average “difficulties”. I am struggling as a person , most are just struggling as a person with a problem that comes and goes, the difference is I’m stuck with mine, mine debilitates me from normal daily living. A person can’t continue on like this. They crack and soon comes a cry for help,  time to stop pretending, out come the bottled up emotions, working up the courage to express your feelings. Feelings of relief come,  then regret, if only I’d ask for help sooner, if only!  then anger, why did this happen to me? I want to go back and change it! Why was I so weak? These are unhealthy feeling that I went through , today I have accepted myself and learnt to let go.  I am in much better place now in comparison to a few years back, but I still struggle with bad feelings and perceptions and fitting in with the world. I need to stop comparing myself to others, I’ve developed slowly, i didn’t get theadvantage of “getting” the world so easily as just about everyone else, yes I know not everybody has their ducks all lined up in a row but it’s been pretty evident that things come easier for most. I’m not trying to bash anybody or feel sorry for myself I’m just trying to understand this world and myself. I’m doing this for me. 
Being held back you learn to figure things out on your own. You become more aware of each puzzle piece and learn how they fit. You turn into a very independent person because you do things your own way that work for you. You may discover things that the average person would totally miss. You learn so much about yourself with your deep intricate thought pattern.  Your confidence soon grows Because you Begin to understand the Rationale and how you should be entiteled to feel. Things that used to.upset you in the past baffle you now with your new healthier belief system, giving you a sense of accomplishment, how strong you are.You begin to appreciate the way you think and marvel at just how much potential you have and so may others. You are touched. You feel born again. 

Maybe this little sensitivity to this silly messed up world is not as much of a burden as it is a gift. : }