well my best friend and his family just moved into my house. the house i was supposed to start a family in. i thought maybe it would help to be around them and stay for a month or 2 but it just triggered me even more. seeing him and his kids and wife just made me think more of what i have lost. i walked to a secluded place where there is a peaceful creek, im under a tree with a very gentle rain peeking through hitting me in the face every so often. ive got over 100 depehnhydramine and have had about a […]
I know this is going to devastate everyone that I love and that loves me and for that, I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart. I honestly do love each and every one of you and I pray that this doesn’t make you love me any less or think less of me.
This is not something I am taking lightly. The worst part of this is not the fear, its not the unknown, its knowing that I am going to leave behind my pain for others to have to experience. What I do know is that every one of you are so much […]
My newest and probably last song. I havent been on for a bit. I have really been trying to feel better. But I cant. She is the most beautiful woman in the world and the 2 of them were my everything. I dont want to do this without them. I cant keep going on faking that im ok. Im not. Soon, I will be gone and I wont be a burden or bother to anyone anymore.
I hope one day she sees this and will know how much they ment to me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-vGzh3tj1Y
So, if any of you have been following any of my posts, Im going through a horrible time with losing my girls. I took over some lime skittles (almost impossible to find now and they were her favorite), a barbie for my little girl, and a card with some cash for her to use on whatever. I left them on her doorstep this morning and said in the card, “you dont need to call or text and thank me, I just want you to know I care and am thinking about you”
She sent me an email this morning that said, “I received your gifts on […]
I was really hoping to just slip away in my sleep last night but, like most things in my life, im just not that lucky. It used to be nights were the toughest for me. For some reason now, its mornings. I hate waking up with no one around. I hate the fact that I cant see my girls faces before leaving for work. They are always the first thing on my mind. I wake up in tears missing them. Why cant I just escape.
Tonight is really bad. I miss my girls so much. This is so hard to keep going through the days when the most important part of your life is gone, yet they are only minutes away and you cant go see them, call them, hug them, tell them you love them. I know ive made mistakes and done stupid things but I regret them honestly and truly. Doesnt that count for anything? I wish I would just die in my sleep tonight and be taken away from this hell.
I havent drank in a while because it usually ends up very badly for me but tonight, im really needing to just zone out. As I was pulling into my driveway coming back from the liquor store, I saw a wallet in the street. It had a decent amount of cash, some gift cards etc. I could have taken it all and just tossed the wallet in the garbage but, knowing it was the right thing to do, I took it over to the guys house and gave it to him. He was very grateful as most people would be but, unlike how I used […]
More and more as the days go by, I am realizing that the only way i can feel normal or ok again is to not feel at all. I am getting worse and worse and all this pain consumes me more every day. Heres what i need and even though i know none of you, i have no one else i can turn to and trust so hopefully one of you can help me. I need someone whom, when i finally let go, will contact the few people in my life that matter and give them a message for me. yes, i know i could […]
I feel like I’m being tested. A situation that anyone else would feel as normal. That in any other case in my life would be normal now feels like its a test from God. I don’t know if I even believe in God. I don’t know if Karma or any of that exist yet im so lost in with everything right now that I cant get the thought out of my head. I have a road in front of me that if it is a test, I will fail and lose any and all hope of reconciliation, yet I don’t even know if that reconciliation […]
Yet another day that I woke up alone. No missed texts or calls from anyone. No one to talk to except my personal demons telling me your not worthy of experiencing this day. Just the same mundane routine that plagues me every day. Wake up exhausted because I cant sleep well anymore. Its 6 am. I hit snooze hoping an extra 5 minutes will make me feel a little better yet I never seem to be able to take that extra 5 minutes. Its like a tease.
Stand in the shower looking at the cuts on my arm and crying wishing I could smell her cooking breakfast again and […]
Like everyone here, im on the ragged edge. I watched a kitten last week for my (gf/ex/dont know where were at anymore) while she was on vacation with her family. Immediately I bonded with that little kitty and it actually helped me to feel a little bit better about things. Just having that companion to come home to. Knowing she was waiting for me. Her chasing me around the house attacking my leg. So I told my mom and sister about it and asked them to keep an eye out for one for me thinking maybe it will help. Today, after work, my sister told […]
Maybe she is the smart one. Maybe I am just rotten inside. Maybe I was so horrible to her that she cant forgive me. I didnt think I was. I loved her with everything I am but maybe the stupid mistakes I made were that horrible. She is better off without me. I dont deserve anyone, especially her. She is amazing. I am nothing. I mean why would anyone want to be with someone who cuts themselves? She should run away. Run far away Bonney. Get away from this monster you were with. She deserves happiness and I cant give that to her. She wants […]
I’m probably not your typical person on here. I am 27, good looking, smart, funny, outgoing, have a wonderful family who I know care deeply for me and who have and would continue to give the world to me. My parents are still together, I was never abused or neglected. I have 2 sisters who at the drop of a hat would stop whatever they were doing to be by my side. I have a good job. My co-workers turn to me for everything. I am an aspiring musician and have had songs on the radio. Yet I feel so empty. So lonely. I delt […]