Beauty.
in the eye
of the beholder.
no one is
holding me.
no beauty
for me.
turn on the light,
tell me what you see?
nothing beautiful at all.
i dont posses
that quality in me.
i cant change
how i look
how i sound
how i feel.
my life has
betrayed me.
i dont know
what to do.
Blue skies
and red ribbons
flowing freely
in the wind.
crimson waves
in the ocean
riding towards
the shore.
tears falling slowly
like marbles rolling.
the course of the
wind.
sobs.
coming from
the floors below.
i want to move,
but i cannot
it wont let me.
i see it now,
death invading,
i feel his thirst,
thirst for my blood.
http://youtu.be/7knUFWY2P44
hello. it has been so long since i have even been one here. since april actually. but i decided to come back on.
i feel done with life. im not living anymore. im just the walking dead, like a zombie. literally. i cant concentrate on anything. and ill probably be made to go to rehab soon because i couldnt stop smoking weed. well i dont really care. im planning on killing myself before that happens. i know for a fact that i can never be happy again. thats just never gonna happen. im just completely done. i dont even want to be around my best […]
and things have not gotten better. they’ve gotten worse. a lot worse. i was going to take my life. but decided not to for right now. there has been just too much death around the people i love. and i don’t want to hurt the one person i love the most, my best friend. i feel like i let her down so much, i feel like she should hate me. i don’t deserve to be loved by anyone.
also, my life isn’t going anywhere. i have gotten arrested too many times, and now i have to take a drug test for 3 months. if i don’t […]
i cut. not too much. i wasnt gonna do as much as i did. but its not too much i dont think. it doesnt seem so bad to me really. well ill just post a few pctures of it. so yeah thats it. i find them to be beautiful. please dont judge me.
i just have to. i cant not do it any longer. im going to cut. once again. the last time i cut was in early october. that was a really long time ago. at least it seems to me like it has been forever. every night i think about it. and i am CRAVING to do it. last night before i was going to sleep i was going to do it. but it was too close to the time my brother and mom wake up and i cant risk getting caught. my mom already wants me to do some psychiatric thing. i dont want to […]
i feel so depressed. especially because im at home. i dont have the one person i wish was with me. i saw her today(my best friend that is). my parents wanted me to go to the store with them, but this morning i told my mom i dont wanna go anywhere. and when they left i went right to her house. but i feel sooo bad for what did. i enable her. soo much. and i hate it. she is an addict. even though its hard for me to say that and it breaks my heart to know that. its true though. and i am […]
a combination of happiness and suffering
and smiling and crying
it is a journey God picked
for us to travel and see
who made it to heaven or hell.
I dont think thats fair though.
how do we know where we end up?
Does it even really matter??
We all die eventually.
We are eternally asleep when
we die.
So, no, it doesnt really matter.
Our souls will go across the universe.
Nothing will be destroyed when i
Die.
I dont even believe many people will remember me at all.
So why does all this matter so much?
There have been things on my mind that i just cannot
stop thinking of.
And i dont think those things have answers or
explanations.
If I die young – The Band Perry
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Uh oh, uh oh
Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She’ll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh well
Life ain’t always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain’t even grey, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time
If I die young, bury me in […]
so today was a long and bad day. started off a good day though. but i was arrested and charged with possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of weapon in school, possession of another students property (theft), and possession of lighters. this all happend in school. it sucked. i was in the deans office for like 4 hours. im gonna need to go to court, and i was suspended from school for ten days. might even get expelled. but i dont think i will. then i might need to go to rehab. so my life sucks even more now. i got a mugshot and finger printed too. […]
one day for sure. i will. i will die at my own hands. Why shouldn’t we be able to pick when we want to die? I think we should. Its our owN life not someone elses. We wouldn’t be harming anyone. Only temporarily. I want to die so bad sometimes. I hate when people(teachers mostly for me) mention suicide and laugh about it and stuff. I Hate that. They shouldn’t be saying things that can hurt someone emotionally. I get affected by people who say certain things. Maybe its just because I have the desire to die and I’d actually consider myself suicidal. But I […]
I surely don’t. That is I don’t care about myself. I care so much about the people around me. The people I love. But why can’t I love me?? It just doesn’t happen for me. I try to think “of everything will be alright and I’m gonna love myself and how I look”. No. That’s not happening. I’d rather not love myself and suffer than lose the people I love the most. It takes me a lot of time to open up to anyone. It took me like over a year to open up to my best friend. But I did it. And now I […]
im scared. and i dont know what to do anymore. i feel like im falling deeper into depression, and i cant take it. i cried like 10 times in the past few days. everything is so stressing to me. and i feel like things  are affecting me more. like im more sensitive for some reason. ive never been this sensitive. so its weird to me, and i dont know how to deal with stuff. i just want to be dead. i actually havent cut for months now. last time i cut it was all down my left arm. from elbow to wrist all covered. but […]
my dad is an alcoholic he’s been sober since before thanksgiving. This Christmas he started drinking. And has been since. I obviously hatE when he’s like that. Like why does he need to be drinking. Why does he need to start drinking. I hate him. He absolutely had an affect on me and made me how I am. I don’t even understAnd why he started drinking in the first place. I don’t remember him drinking when we still lived in lithuania. Its confusing to me. Its one of the reasons I hate being at home. Especially when he’s like that. Well all in all it […]
That’s how i feel 99 percent of the time. I feel so alone. I hate bein alone. I hate it because I can think. And its bad when I think. Nothing good ever comes out of that, only scars and tears and bad thoughts. I feel like everyone is forgetting me. Why can’t I be normal and loved? Why did God have to put me in this place? I hate living and I wish I was dead. Nothing good ever happens so there is no point to it then. Why hurt when freedom is just on the other side? It doesn’t cost to die. And […]
so okay. me and my best friend had a very deep and emotional talk. and me and her are both suicidal. we talked for a long time. and what we got from talking is an agreement. kinda. we talked about killing ourselves, and decided that its not the right time, and its not worth doing that now because we’re still teenagers (im 16 and she’s 15) so we havent even lived life. that doesnt mean that we have to change who we are, or what we do. just putting something off for a while. i guess its a good thing in a way. im glad […]
One word.
Obssessed.
With love.
Being loved.
Being cared about.
Being important.
Being noticed.
Prove I’m worthy.
Given a chance.
That’s all I want.
Why am I so different??
I want to be
A diamond in someones eyes.
Beautiful.
Loved.
Cared.
But it’s not gonna
Happen to me.
I’m not beautiful.
I’m not loved.
I’m not cared for.
I’m just someone
In the background.
Unimportant.
Unnoticed.
I am lost
In the sea of emotions.
Swimming isn’t my strenght.
“What if I drown?”
I think to myself.
The deeper I go
The darker it gets.
I want to be above the water.
So I won’t have to feel anything.
so something weird happened to me the other day. i was standing in my friends bathroom and i hit my back against the wall and slid down because i fainted. i’ve only fainted one other time in my life, but i dont really remember. my friend also saw me do that. so me and her decided to look up people fainting on youtube. and what we found was the fainting game. and what you do it pretty much make yourself faint by taking away oxygen from your brain by blowing on your thumb. and so i decided to try it. and well, it was interesting. […]
Newer Posts