im scared. and i dont know what to do anymore. i feel like im falling deeper into depression, and i cant take it. i cried like 10 times in the past few days. everything is so stressing to me. and i feel like things  are affecting me more. like im more sensitive for some reason. ive never been this sensitive. so its weird to me, and i dont know how to deal with stuff. i just want to be dead. i actually havent cut for months now. last time i cut it was all down my left arm. from elbow to wrist all covered. but after that i just didnt feel the need to cut. im not gonna lie, i have thought about cutting many many times. but i just dont. and i guess that is a good thing. i like to cut, even though i know its bad. i do a lot of bad things to myself. i guess im self-destructing. i dont eat enough at all. i go days without eating, and when i do eat its only once a day. but i just dont have an appetite anymore. i cant help it if i dont feel hungry. i dont think its an eating disorder because im not trying not to eat on purpose. i just cant. people around me have told me i look skinnier. before i was never skinny or anything like that. i was always bigger, well i consider that i was fat. now i still do think im fat but i dont think about my weight that much. i used to be overweight now i dont know if i am. i hope im not. the most part i hate about me is my face. i think my face is ugly. i have never had a boyfriend. i think i havent had one because of my face. its ugly. and i hate it. i wish i could change my face and look better. i also dont sleep a lot. maybe like 6 hour a night. i wake up at around 12 midday and i go to sleep at like 5 am. i like being up at night. me and my friend both. we are night owls. and during those sleepless nights we just go and get stoned or try to find pills we can take so we dont have to sit sober. its a pain in the ass for me to be sober. i just dont like to be sober. and so ill smoke pot or take pills. i know im not addicted to anything. i can be sober i just dont like to. i think my mom thinks i hate her. but i dont. i think she thinks that because im never home (i hate being home.) whenever she calls me she never says bye at the end of our conversation and just hangs up. i went home tonight just so she can be nicer. i dont hate my mother. i just get moody sometimes and ive taken it out on her before. i feel bad about that. i dont mean to snap at her. its just that when im agitated i cant help it. well thats pretty much it. i dont think people really read what i say, but its alright, at least im getting it off my chest. and i got like 2 more hours to stay up. whoop whoop.
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4 comments
Hey there,
You do sound like you are suffering and yep, a lil bit self destructive eg like not eating and looking after yourself. Kinda normal when people feel down, so you’re not that bad.
How we view ourselves ie our self image (whether accurate or not) has a LOT to do with our self esteem. Often it isnt accurate AND EVEN IF we do want to improve ourselves, there is some good news, because we can actually change our looks from body weight to face etc via simple makeup to more indepth surgery. People do it all the time ie chnage their appearance. This combined with a positive attitude can chnage an entire life around.
I can always help you deal with mental stuff ~ would that help or make you feel a bit better knowing someone cares? I try to be both positive, but mostly practical ….
Feel free to say hi 🙂
Stay positive in the meantime ok …
I’ve went through phases of not eating before, it’s not an eating disorder, it’s a symptom of depression, but sometimes it can turn into a eating disorder. I’m a night owl too, and I like to not be sober. But it adds up, because too many days not being sober and you start to go a little whcaky.
It sounds like you kinda want to talk to your mum and tell her you don’t hate her… or tell her what’s going on with you. You want to talk, but you don’t know how to do it? Maybe you can write her a note? If you don’t feel ready, you don’t have to give it to her right away. But sometimes writing things down makes me feel better.
I’ve used every drug under the sun…smoked pot for forty years on and off….binged on alcohol every weekend for decades. I know this sounds like bullshit parental advice but I finally figgered out that drugs and alcohol aggravated the hell out of my depression,,.which I have also taken every prescription drug under the sun for. Bottom line is that drugs and alcohol prevent you from dealing with you, learning who you are….and accepting who you are. …and learning to love yourself as you are.
I like what felixdacat says. I’m pretty sure you may not like your experience but self hate is not a natural thing…I would say that, that feeling came from somewhere else.
It’s an art to let go, and as felix said learning to love yourself as you are. The neat thing is you have the choice to like yourself and practice those thoughts or continue not liking yourself. Take care.