I’m not good enough. I’m just not. Trying to get this thing to work won’t work. I’m just no good. I just don’t know what to do. I’m scared out of my mind. Lately, I just sleep. I sleep because I don’t want to deal with anything. I sleep because I want to run away. I’m no good. I’m just no good.
I can feel myself unraveling. Again and again. It’s always a sequence of unraveling, getting up, and re-raveling yourself. Over and over and over again. I don’t think I’m going to graduate. I don’t think I deserve to graduate. I don’t know what I am supposed to be. I have no passion or desire. All I do as sit down and complain. I think that’s why I try so hard to get close to her. To try and derive happiness from someone else instead of myself. That’s not how that’s supposed to work. I […]
I am very tired. I slept for a long time. But I’m still tired. Being asleep is nice, but now my anxieties are creeping in now too. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know anything. I’m so very alone. What am I even doing honestly? Where are we? Hate this so much. Hate everything.
I went to sleep somewhat calm about the situation and woke up anxious. It’s this constant back and forth of being calm and being anxious that’s starting to grind on me right now. I’m not sure if I’m grateful for those momentary moments of calm or resentful. Being anxious all the time would be awful, but having that calm ripped away from you to go back to the worry and fear feels also terrible. It’s like a man dying of thirst that is then periodically offered a tiny sip of water and no more. Was he better off continuing to […]
This is it. This is the hardest one yet. Last semester. Senior Project. Project Manager. New Job as a TA. It’s barely the second week and I feel like I’m limping already. I can feel the pressure in my head build up. Can’t find the right valve to turn to release it. Bit by bit by bit by bit I can feel it welling up. Right half of the brain. Don’t know how I’m going to make it. I knew it would come. I knew it would be painful and hard. […]
This week was a bit of a rough one. I just felt tired. I’m a bit scared to be honest. I think I’m developing another vice and that makes me scared. I don’t drink often, but I’m starting to really binge drink when I do. Part of myself wants get so drunk that I don’t even see straight. Another part of me is scared by this. The last time I really drank heavily was a little over a month ago, after I got done with the semester. Drank 5 cans of 9.5% abv. Threw up the […]
I broke down today. The first time in a while. It’s always in the privacy of my apartment. I have this odd tick that when it gets really bad I laugh. It always feels so forced and unreal, but it still happens. I am tired. I don’t know what I want.
Last semester. Need to finish my capstone project. Won’t graduate without it. Scared out of my mind. Don’t think it will amount to much. Need to contact my supervisor from my last internship. Need a signed letter to verify that I did it or I won’t graduate. Really it is my fault. I’ve gone back on trying not to contact her. I stopped no contact a while ago. Thing is she won’t respond. Maybe she saw my last post and got mad. Maybe it made her sad. Maybe she hates me. […]
It’s like an itch in my mind. Something that refuses to go away. It’s been little more than a week since I have decided to finally give up. To finally stop bothering her and just let her be. To stop torturing myself and hoping that she cares about me. She doesn’t need me. She has friends and other things going on. She doesn’t care. I repeat these things in my head over and over and over again, but it’s still itchy. Lately I just go to sleep if I have nothing to do. Then I […]
New Years I decided to do something different. Right now I’m back in my college town instead of back home because I needed to work on a school project before the semester started. So I’m by myself in my one bed room apartment. Instead of just drinking by myself as I would, I went out to a bar. Since it’s a college town, there’s a district in town that is essentially 15+ bars lumped together. I went, ordered a burger and a cocktail and left. I didn’t even stay until midnight. I reasoned that I could just feel […]
What would be considered an acceptable reason to kill one’s self. My life is not hard by any means. I was never abused or assaulted. I am in good health. My family is supportive in many ways. I do not go hungry nor am I homeless. I do not have many friends, but still have some. So at what point would it be considered acceptable to kill myself? I am lonely often. I am not satisfied in where my life is going career wise. I don’t feel like I’m anything. Where am I going? […]
I have no rea reason to be posting. I’m not in any sort of trouble or pain or anything like that. Not out of the usual that is. I just don’t have any motivation. I feel nothing. I want nothing. That’s not true. I do want happiness, I just am not sure what that means. I’ve gone through the paces over a thousand times in my head and I never feel like I go anywhere. I always feel like I’m going in circles. What do I want? Why do I want what I want? […]
I told a girl how I felt about her recently. She just said we were friends. I probably should have seen that coming. I’m not quite sure why I thought it would be anything other than that. I’m not sure why I’m writing this down. She knows that I’m on here. I doubt she ever comes around here anymore. I’ve said too many weird things. Sometimes I regret telling her. I’m not sure why I did it in the first place. It was impulsive telling her about this place. I just did it like […]
My family visted me for Thanksgiving. One thing that stuck out to me is a brief conversation on whether or not I waould get married some day. I shruged it off and said if it happens it happens. But this was one of the first times I saw my Mother worried about it. She said she wants ne to put myself out there and find a “companion”. Usually she never seemed bothered or interested in the fact I was alone. I played it off like I didn’t care, but obviously this is one of the things that keeps me […]
I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to want. I don’t know what my purpose is. I don’t know why I should be alive. I am 22. I am going to University for engineering. I am working on my senior project. I’m not particularly good at it. I don’t really know what I’m doing. The only really good thing I know to do is get people who knows what they are doing. That’s honestly the only thing that I’m good at. Bullshitting. I don’t know where am I going. I am applying for […]
It’s kind of boring talking about it over and over and over again. About being alone and not being able to make any sort of meaningful connection with others. I’m bored talking about it. I’m bored thinking about it. It’s boring. Being alone and being with others doesn’t really matter. It’s pointless to think about or worry. Who cares? People aren’t interesting. Listening to them isn’t interesting. Talking to them isn’t interesting. Hearing whatever inane thoughts they think and telling them about my inane thoughts is pointless. Why should I care? About […]
Fall is here again. I’ve said it before, but this season along with winter always feels like everything is dead. It feels like everything around you is decaying and frozen over. I can’t say that I’m a fan of spring or summer either, but there’s something even worse about the fall. My senior project isn’t going well. It just started and I already feel like there’s no control. I’m the project manager and I have no idea why I agreed to that. This failure will be on me like always. I haven’t talked to my friend in […]
This past Thursday was my first session with my new counselor. She must be the sixth counselor I’ve had in my life. I’ve always gone off and on and off and on therapy for god knows how long. The reason changing over time. But it always ended the same. I never felt like it was worth it. But I don’t think I ever really tried. This time I might as well give it a shot. Overall it was a productive first session. I was able to communicate well throughout and she gave me some stuff to […]
I am 1/3 through. If this was a marathon, I would be limping. My chest hurts, most of the time my stomach hurts, and my sleep is inconsistent. The medication’s side effects are taking their toll. They make me nauseous, which doesn’t help my anxiety. My anxiety already makes me want to throw up. The sleep problem happened before I started taking my medication, but I think it’s also screwing it up. I just started taking the full dosage this past friday. My doctor told me to talk only half the first week due to being off […]
I’m on my lunch break. I can feel myself breaking down little by little. My job is simple. Really really really simple. But for some reason it’s hard for me. I’m broken. My stomach hurts. I can’t eat. I think my medicine is also making me drowsy. Nothing is right. I can’t do this. I’m broken and I can’t do this. 9 hours of hell 5 days a week. I can’t make it. I just don’t know what to do.