I think I just have to accept that she doesn’t want to talk to me. I think I have to accept that she just doesn’t want anything to do with me. As much as I try and reach out, I think I’m only making things worse. I just have to accept it. I don’t know how, but I just have to. On the extremely small chance you’re reading this, I’m sorry. Sorry if I screwed up.
I have no idea what is proper social etiquette. I have no idea how to have meaningful interpersonal relationships. I have no idea why I want to have relationships with people. I have no idea how to properly control myself when it comes to trying to be friends with someone. I have no idea how to properly communicate what is in my head. I have no idea why I’m tearing up right now. I have no idea why I haven’t been able to cry for the past few weeks, except now. I do know somethings though. I […]
There is an inconsistency between what’s in my head and what’s actually there. I believe the root of my sadness comes from the realization that there is this disconnect between the two and that I don’t know how to cope with it. I believe my primary motivation drives me to these nonsense delusions. The fear of not amounting to anything and the fear of being alone. I’m so wrapped up in the little idiosyncrasies within my head that I don’t really see what’s there and when it finally becomes apparent to me, I can’t help but feel let down. The […]
I feel so tired. I have little desire to get up in the morning. I have little want to go to campus. I have little desire to do anything. I used to enjoy weekends. Free time was nice. Now all I do is lay in bed. I do nothing. I feel nothing. I’m so alone. So bitterly alone. It hurts. I don’t know what I want. I feel like my luck has run out. There is a cathartic feeling to it. I’ve always been waiting for it to happen, and […]
I think I’m falling apart. No matter how hard I try to hold it together, I can feel it slipping. Little by little. I go through these stages when this sort of thing happens. Frustration. Bouts of energy to try and make things right. Sadness. Emptiness. Disinterest. A feeling of being lost. Like I’m a husk walking. I start pacing everywhere. I can’t seem to sit still. Nothing really holds my attention. Focusing on one thing is difficult. Things I use to enjoy start to seem unappealing. I’ve been thinking about a lot of […]
Don’t know why I’m back here. Couldn’t tell you. Haven’t used this place in a long ass time. Haven’t even looked at this place in a long time. I know I will find no satisfaction from coming back. I probably won’t be using this place consistently. I remember I’d come here to vent and check to see if I get any sympathetic comments or advice. It took me a while that it makes no real sense to try to look for sympathy from people who hate themselves as much or more than I hate myself. It’s just […]
It’s nostalgic being back here. I haven’t posted since November, but haven’t seriously needed this place for a little over a year. I’ve managed on my own for a while. I still don’t really need this place. Just felt like coming back. It’s so strange. This place isn’t for finding people, but I still can’t help but look for the usual suspects in my time here, except they usual move on by now. That’s the thing that’s messed up. You never know if they learn to deal with their problems or if they make the leap. […]
A part of me wants to explore it and another part wants to cross that bridge when I get there. I think I am bi. I know I love girls. All types of girls. I just don’t know how I feel about guys. On the one hand, understanding that part of me will get rid of some baggage I might have. Having depression on top of questioning my sexuality seems like a pain in the ass. So if I just figure it out, no more questions. On the other hand, it’s not like I’m getting laid or going […]
The world is extremely big and extremely scary. I often find myself wondering if I fit at all in it. You look at yourself and you wonder how it got as bad as it did. You kind of know the answer already, but it still happens. It keeps turning and turning and you have to think to yourself that maybe this wasn’t the best it could have been. You look at the results and you say. Wow. Ok. The thing is, maybe you don’t deserve it. Maybe it is what it is and you just have […]
I think that I have to accept that I’m just mediocre. When you think about it being mediocre really isn’t the worst thing in the world. Actually it’s really common to be mediocre. It’s the definition. I breezed through high school if you think about it. Any perceived trouble I had was really nothing to sneeze over. University is like a kick to the jaw. And even then it isn’t that bad compared to the more advanced stuff. And that is absolutely nothing to the real world. I’m mediocre and that is that. Why […]
Here it is. The burnout. Again. When all motivation is gone. All of it. I just want to lie down and do nothing. I think I’m just lazy. Probably just that. It reminds me of November Has Come from Demon Days. It just feels like everything is dying around. Kind of appropriate for fall if you think about it. Everything freezes up and dies. Even me. That was lame. Typing that made me feel retarded and mellow dramatic. Even though there is a bit of truth to it. I […]
Back here. Back here. Back. Here. B-A-C-K. H-E-R-E. I haven’t needed this place as much. I mean not really. But once in a while, you have to do the routine dump. I think a part of the reason I don’t use this place anymore is because I kind of figured out what this place is really for. At first I thought this is a place where you can try and cope and find advice for your problems and potentially find like minded people to give you comfort from time to time. That’s not what […]
I have said nothing the whole summer. I had it down pat. The thing was that it was creeping behind a rock. The minute the bad feeling washed over I knew. I knew that it was waiting and this was it’s chance. I needed money for my apartment this upcoming semester. I got a job a dominoes as a driver. Little by little, bit by bit, I grew to hate it more and more and more. The feeling of being stepped on. The big difference between this job and my old job was that it was […]
I think I know why I’m suffering. I already died and this is my hell. In that case, Bravo Satan. Bravo.
I ate a blue berry muffin. I thought about going to eat a burger, but I have eaten out every day for the past week and a half. Too much junk and money wasted. I ran out of meal tickets close to a month ago. I don’t have anywhere to store or cook food with, so you know. I honestly don’t know why I still keep going. This bad feels kind of different to be honest. The type of bad that doesn’t really feel all that different from the regular bad but still has that quality to it […]
I had a strange dream yesterday that I was supposed to buy a trike for a small kid. I don’t remember, but I think it might have been my sister. I don’t have a sister. I thought to myself that I could stop by a BDSM place before going to walmart to buy the trike, but I ended up in a regular strip club. I fell asleep on their couch in the lobby until I woke up a realized that the BDSM dungeon was across the street. I went in there and I immediately smelled this weird combination of a […]
There is 3 in 2. I’m apathetic to all. I think I need to leave. I’m just no good. I get that. I’m just not all that into it. I get that. Not at all happy. I miss those nights where it is warm and you hear the bugs in the trees. I miss those days where I wake up and don’t think too hard about any of it. I miss having an idea of where I was going. What is the point of this place again? Why do I come and write here […]
I know that it’s fiction and idealistic stuff like this is annoying, but I can’t help but love these panels. I don’t know.
Halfway there. Let the chips fall where they do. Getting spun around and around and around. Feels strange. I get that. I get all of that. I thought about her for the first time in a while. Probably because of my last post. It was about a year ago I think. Haven’t seen her since. Has anyone been to a halfway home? I think it’s mainly for those with a severe physical ailment, though. I think it also serves those with mental health issues. I only thought of it cause of this […]
I don’t know what makes me want to ask, but have you? I’m not sure I’ve had. My feelings on the subject are conflicted. This place seems to be a place of just pure self-pity and hatred. We all wallow in our own pain here. Some people can just never be happy. I guess that’s why we’re here. I felt for a split second content. Just for a moment. I don’t really know how to feel about that. I smell macaroni. I love this song.