I think I know why I’m suffering. I already died and this is my hell. In that case, Bravo Satan. Bravo.
I ate a blue berry muffin. I thought about going to eat a burger, but I have eaten out every day for the past week and a half. Too much junk and money wasted. I ran out of meal tickets close to a month ago. I don’t have anywhere to store or cook food with, so you know. I honestly don’t know why I still keep going. This bad feels kind of different to be honest. The type of bad that doesn’t really feel all that different from the regular bad but still has that quality to it […]
I had a strange dream yesterday that I was supposed to buy a trike for a small kid. I don’t remember, but I think it might have been my sister. I don’t have a sister. I thought to myself that I could stop by a BDSM place before going to walmart to buy the trike, but I ended up in a regular strip club. I fell asleep on their couch in the lobby until I woke up a realized that the BDSM dungeon was across the street. I went in there and I immediately smelled this weird combination of a […]
There is 3 in 2. I’m apathetic to all. I think I need to leave. I’m just no good. I get that. I’m just not all that into it. I get that. Not at all happy. I miss those nights where it is warm and you hear the bugs in the trees. I miss those days where I wake up and don’t think too hard about any of it. I miss having an idea of where I was going. What is the point of this place again? Why do I come and write here […]
I know that it’s fiction and idealistic stuff like this is annoying, but I can’t help but love these panels. I don’t know.
Halfway there. Let the chips fall where they do. Getting spun around and around and around. Feels strange. I get that. I get all of that. I thought about her for the first time in a while. Probably because of my last post. It was about a year ago I think. Haven’t seen her since. Has anyone been to a halfway home? I think it’s mainly for those with a severe physical ailment, though. I think it also serves those with mental health issues. I only thought of it cause of this […]
I don’t know what makes me want to ask, but have you? I’m not sure I’ve had. My feelings on the subject are conflicted. This place seems to be a place of just pure self-pity and hatred. We all wallow in our own pain here. Some people can just never be happy. I guess that’s why we’re here. I felt for a split second content. Just for a moment. I don’t really know how to feel about that. I smell macaroni. I love this song.
I can run. I can run away from anything. I run and I run and I run and I run and I run. I’m a coward. I don’t quite know what I’m running towards. Nothing?
I don’t know what I am supposed to be. What am I supposed to think. I have held on tightly to the little scraps that I thought made me unique. Then I let it fall apart. I think I wanted it to fall apart. If I lose my definition, I’m free to go, right? No more tethers to this place. I’m a coward. I’m a runner. I don’t know how to deal with difficult things, and this makes me weak.
I’m not sure. What is it that I want. I can’t tell anymore. I’m scared. There is only so much that can be done. I’m trying to calm myself down, but I don’t think that’s working. I keep going between wanting silence and noise. Everything seems so disturbing. Is anyone there? I can’t put my thoughts into words anymore. It seems like it is dragging. Can’t tell what it is doing anymore. Why do I keep going? The medicine doesn’t work? I’m not sure. Why. It seems long and […]
I realized that I am just playing the waiting game at this point. I’m not really concerned about what happens this semester anymore. Whether I fail miserably or squeak by as per usual, I just don’t really care anymore. I miss work. I miss being able to go and just do something and get paid. I’m actually looking forward to something and that is working full time during the summer. Now mind you I know the difference between working as a means of getting something extra and working to survive. I’m not saying that I want my life to depend […]
There are times when I’m panicking and other times when I’m not. I feel no fear and then it all comes rushing towards me. I’m hardly eating anything. I’ve run out of meals on my meal card and money. I should go pick up my last check. It shouldn’t be that hard. I think I’ll go do that soon. Pretty sure. Where should I go. No direction is terrifying. So terrifying. I’m afriad. so very afraid. Can’t seem to see anything.
I don’t think I have any. I can’t escape that feeling that there is no real point to anything. I’ve always held that belief. The thing is, there is no half assing it. I don’t have the guts to kill myself, and I don’t have the guts to keep going. I’m lazy. I know that much. I can’t really commit to anything. Well. Shit.
I just got off the phone with my mom. I’ve been meaning to tell her that I haven’t been keeping up with my medication and that I’m not doing too well. I told her and she explained some things and I agreed with them. She said that I’m not doing to well for a number of reasons. I can’t really put them into words, but I understand them. Then I started to cry. I told her that I love her and the I want to see her and my dad and my brother. I told her that I […]
I can’t say that I have a complete grasp on things. I’d like to think that I’m trying my best, but it would be untrue I think. It’s all just slipping by. This isn’t the first time. This won’t be the last time. I’d like to think I’ve made it this far on dumb luck alone. That and I had somewhat of an understanding of the numbers game. I hate that numbers game. I hate playing it. It feels stale and tiring. I think that my blended brain makes my emotions unstable. I think […]
It’s all goopey. All slimey and chunky and has a rubbery texture. It’s on pulse so the paste isn’t consistent. My brain is in a blender. I’m bad at medication. I’m bad at alot of things. I just want to cry. My brain is in a blender. All slimey and yellow. My dssdf fingers are heavy on rt the key board. I can’t stand up straight. I’m tired. So tired. What does it even matteskr. sssjjj I’ts all juust a joke. A big ugly jokse. rrrrrrrrr SOme one just […]
STOP THINKING. STOP BREATHING. STOP MOVING. If you keep going bad things will happen. DON’T BLINK. DON’T LISTEN. SHUT YOUR EYES. BUT DON’T BLINK. It all has that silky gloss over it. So pretty and tempting. But it’s a lie. All a filthy, nasty lie. The only soft warm thing is solitude. It has this sort of shiny quality where everyone has these big smiles on. Except it’s not for people like me. Not really. They seemed genuinely sad when they heard I was quitting. It’s strange because I […]
I feel off. Just out of it. All of it just seems foreign. I think I’m easily manipulated. Someone asked for 20 dollars and I gave it to them. They said they would pay me back, but I doubt it. My question is why though. Out of all the people she probably knows, why me, why only 20, and do I care so much. Whatever. I can’t focus on school. I’ve just run out of steam. I can’t say I’ve done alot, but I can’t say I’m not tired of it all. It […]
I was in class today and I noticed that the girl I normally sit next to had very short shorts on. She has rather long legs, so I couldn’t help by glance every now and then at her thighs. It’s only natural that a change in wardrobe is going to be happening among the girls due to the changing climate. It’s Spring after all. I never understood the appeal of wearing short shorts. It seems like it would be uncomfortable, to have that much skin exposed to the air. The potential of someone accidentally touching me would freak me […]
I think everyday of that apartment I’m going to get next semester. I want it so bad. I hate being in the dorm. I hate having a roommate. I hate being on campus. I need my privacy. I need to be alone. I saw my therapist today. She asked me “If you could wake up somewhere different tomorrow, where would it be?” I said somewhere isolated. She asked me to elaborate. I said the desert. Just me, my truck, and the desert. I think I like being alone. I’ve said this […]