angry again. why exactly i can’t really say. angry with myself, the world, everyone and everything. blah blah. that is what depression is -right? anger turned inward. self loathing. mind games where you set yourself up to fail. i will never win because i don’t believe i deserve to. i can talk a good game in therapy but that inner cynic is there to remind me of my unworthiness, worthlessness. the cynic is working hard to convince me that life isn’t all that it is cracked up to be. that i have every reason and right to tell everyone fuck you and off myself. the […]
really angry and irritable for some reason. maybe it’s the heat. i am lonely yet i want to be alone. i am tired of talking. tired of being me. i have little patience for social niceties. i guess you would call that isolating myself. i am pretty good at that. i find myself lost in my head a lot these days. losing time. not paying attention to the here and now. seems like i am fading away. almost have myself convinced that my demise wouldn’t be a big deal. i wouldn’t be missed by too many people. there seems to be more times where i […]
heavy duty shit in therapy yesterday. rejection, dismissal, self hatred etc etc. my psyche is fighting tooth and nail to keep some horrible thing secret. what that is i don’t know. saw the shrink last week. another appointment and a new script. losing faith in pharmaceuticals. there doesn’t seem to be anything out there for me. left the office angry and upset. felt rejected, dismissed, discarded. why exactly i don’t know. the doc didn’t do or say anything particularly egregious. it was like there was something i desperately wanted to communicate but i couldn’t find the words. then my 20 minutes was up. go away. […]
i feel like shit. headache, nausea, hot and cold, shaking, abdominal pain, diarrhea. thinking lithium is not for me. had blood test done on tuesday. but my primary hasn’t seen fit to call me with results. don’t see the shrink until next wednesday. so do i keep taking it or just quit ? because my shrink moonlights elsewhere there is no one easily accessible to ask. guess i will have to wing it. so if not lithium what’s next? i have done all the ssri’s and the snri’s. he says he isn’t giving up. implying i shouldn’t either. well about that. i am thinking that […]
having a pleasant time high, home alone. i usually have better insight into me and my “distorted” thinking when i am under the influence. major insight of the day-i like being alone too much. i am having a hard time tolerating people. if i am around people i have to talk. and be fairly pleasant. after awhile i can’t keep the facade up-takes too much energy. easier if i just keep my mouth shut and smile. it has gotten to the point where i watch tv with the sound off. i read the subtitles. the chatter, the noise grates on me. what is going on […]
well here i am, high sitting here alone. thinking. thinking about the status of my marriage, thinking about life and death. thinking can life really get better for me after all these years? you said that you weren’t going to give up. i assume you were implying i shouldn’t either. that of course depends on who wins the ongoing battle in my head. the rational me knows that killing myself isn’t right. but that isn’t the problem. its the pro-death voice in my head who has been the chatty one these last few months. she knows which buttons to push. she increasingly doesn’t care about […]
lithium. wow. that is what its come to. modern pharmacology has failed me. i had always thought that lithium was for the real nutcases. so i guess that moniker belongs to me as well. i am scared. reading about it and the side effects are scary. especially the toxicity thing. i am not very good at keeping myself adequately hydrated. drink too much soda and not enough water. don’t want to spend all my time on the john. not very conducive to getting any work done. i quit taking risperdal cold turkey. big mistake. i didn’t think 1 mg was a big deal. a week […]
that voice in my head is loud today. the one that says today could be the day. why not? this depression is going to kill me one way or another might as well be on my terms. i feel like i am dead already. nothing seems to be able to give me any joy or fun. went to a concert last night . i had been looking forward to it. but i didn’t care if we went or not. while it was a great show, the fun, excitement, the losing myself in the music wasn’t there. i can’t escape myself. i can’t escape this soul […]
had a therapy appointment today. as long as i am still going i guess that is a good thing. my therapist mentioned how scared she would be if i was a no show to an appointment. i told her she should be scared. the pro death part of me is rather insistent. i have come to the realization that i probably will kill myself. the question is when. that i do not know. all the suicide sites say that one should be alarmed if said suicidal person suddenly seems calm or even happy. it means that a decision has been made. well that decision has […]
had a good day at work today. then-a wave of despair comes over me out of nowhere and i am bawling by the time i get home. just like someone flicked a switch or something. feeling very detached . don’t want to see anyone. don’t want to talk to anyone. don’t want to exist. my self imposed isolation has served to make me wary of people. but i hide in plain sight. feel myself slipping away. i am so damned tired. my body is aching , like i have been beaten up again. don’t know if it is depression or the meds. probably some combination […]
i had that gun in my hand. just checking to see if he leaves it loaded. he does. set it right back where i found it. don’t want to give myself away. “keep holding on when my brain’s ticking like a bomb.” pretty much sums up what is going on. my thanks to korn. one part of me is saying eff this i’m outta here. another part says no -i can’t do that to the people who love me. if my psychology is correct the first is the id. the latter the super ego. and it’s the ego who is just listening, absorbing, weighing pros […]
well it hasn’t been a whole day on a new dose and i have been naughty already. one is not supposed to drink alcohol while taking a certain anti-depressant that starts with a c. we went out to eat and i had a couple of drinks. interesting that my heart started hurting. like it was being squeezed or something. that was after2 drinks. guess i probably should not find out what a bender feels like. of course i was also indulging in other things as well. expecting me to embrace total sobriety is a waste of time. it is not likely to happen anytime soon. […]
beautiful day outside. in the 80s. but i see only darkness. can’t seem to escape my head. don’t have the energy to do anything. want to sleep, but can’t. barely have the energy to write this. trying to form coherent sentences . it is almost may. the month i had designated as my last. maybe that is why i am weepy, sad, etc etc. name the depression symptom i have it. the muscle pain and fatigue seem to be getting worse. sleep doesn’t feel refreshing. like i have been beaten up while i slept. then there is the suicidal thoughts. never far from my mind. […]
is it weird to be thinking about music at my funeral? don’t know where this came from but i decided i wanted ” the sound of silence” old or new version played at my funeral. don’t know where this idea came from. i want to express my sorrow for those people who died in the psych hospital fire in russia. by pure chance i am a “nutjob” in a first world country. some of the russian patients died in their beds. sedated. sick.
having these strange “visions” popping up in my head. i see myself floating face down in the river. i see myself with a gun shot wound. i see myself at my funeral. all of these images are just coming in it seems at random. i am not consciously thinking about suicide. but apparently some part of me is. the interesting part is that i am not afraid of these thoughts. i am not upset by them. they are just there. potential outcomes. seems odd that these thoughts have become mundane almost. nothing new under the sun. so what, who cares? maybe i am just becoming […]
right now the urge to ace myself is strong. i don’t really know why. these urges come and go. for the most part i just ride them out. not now i say. time isn’t right. like there is a “right” time to die. there are things that need to be taken care of. loose ends tied up. careful consideration is called for. i have selected a few days next month. chances are those days will mean nothing. i am stubborn till the end. MY time schedule. not depression’s. so i am supposed to try being sober for x amount of days. to try to get […]
i hope you are up to date with your reading. someone is jerking me around. your office says its the insurance co. the insurance co says its the office. either way for some reason my co-pay to see you has now tripled. been waiting for some edict from on high saying i need to stop seeing you so often. guess now i got it. something to do with specialist services versus therapy services. blah blah blah. i love insurance companies. oh well its only money right? my current financial crisis notwithstanding. i keep saying i am worth more dead than alive. yet another example. someone […]
just some random thoughts here. if you ever find yourself in a hospitalization situation remember this. at least for my insurance company-they won’t pay if the stay is considered involuntary. while i assume some sort of court action is needed, you don’t want to be stuck with a large hospital bill. last thing a suicidal person needs. my shrink is pushing the dbt thing. has anyone gone through that? i have been trying to read up about it but the whole psychobabble thing is irritating me greatly. it seems like it is an insult to my intelligence. or maybe i am just being stubborn. either […]
well now there is more drama in my pathetic loser life. we have to come up with a rather large chunk of change by next monday-tax day! and it is basically my fault. silly me i didn’t think the feds could possibly want more from my paltry income. boy was i wrong!! i will never hear the end of that. and then my husband’s drinking buddy wants to do an “intervention” with him this weekend about his drinking. won’t that just be a barrel of laughs? it means nothing when the nagging wife complains . maybe it will mean something when a friend says something. […]
a california pastor’s son killed himself today. my condolences to all affected. now time for a rant. depression will be all over the media for a couple of days. how awful it is that we are suffering. well folks here is why we suffer needlessly. money!!! depression and mental illness isn’t sexy. we need a better lobby, and a good pr firm. Depression!-its not just for breakfast anymore!! well get crackin’ there kids. please send checks care of…….. this rant has been organically enhanced.