well it hasn’t been a whole day on a new dose and i have been naughty already. one is not supposed to drink alcohol while taking a certain anti-depressant that starts with a c. we went out to eat and i had a couple of drinks. interesting that my heart started hurting. like it was being squeezed or something. that was after2 drinks. guess i probably should not find out what a bender feels like. of course i was also indulging in other things as well. expecting me to embrace total sobriety is a waste of time. it is not likely to happen anytime soon. i understand the reasons why i should . but my long term health isn’t really a pressing issue right now. considering i don’t know if there is going to be a long term. he sets that gun down in front of me with a full clip and i am just drawn to it. the end of all this bullshit is right there. what will it take for me to pull the trigger? there will be some sort of catalyst . there will come a time when i am ready to tell the world to fuck off. when i stop caring about how this will effect others. i guess as long as i keep going to therapy it means i am not ready to throw in the towel yet. when and if i make up my mind i will just disappear. quietly slip away, before anyone notices. it’s going to be a long month.
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I’m an alcoholic, and I have figured out that that alcohol intensifies my suicidal thoughts. Liquid courage. I believe sobriety is for quitters, but I’m also a quitter if I take my own life. But when I’m drunk it doesn’t matter to me. When I’m sober it doesn’t matter to me. The thoughts are there sober or not. I’ve had suicidal/depressed thoughts for years, and never confided in anyone, not even a therapist. So I commend you for that. I’m still trying to convince myself to see one. As much as I want to tell the world to fuck off, there are still people here that care about me, and I care about them, whether I’d like to admit it or not. One thing that keeps me going is there could be someone out there that I haven’t even met that will show me what it really means to care about someone and I will never question if someone won’t notice if I’m gone, because I’ll be certain they will notice.
This is beautiful. As real as it gets, folks.
Addict here as well. Recovery is hard when I dont care about health or a ling-teem. i definitely get you:(.
Ugh autocorrect!!!
*long-term
it is my shrink who is pushing the sobriety thing. my fault for sharing. didn’t help that i have gone to a few appointments high. what used to be a weekend warrior thing became every day when this round of depression intensified. the ***** of it is that you develop a tolerance so it takes more to get to the same place. need to chill on the dope. if for no other reason than good dope can be expensive. i set myself up for this line of inquiry. my fault. i have embarrassed myself both in sessions and here by revealing too much. trying to pull back and not embarrass myself any further.
I’ve seen a few therapists in the midst of my addiction and they’re supposed to tell you to stop. I like to compare it to the story of Romeo and Juliet; what you can’t have only makes it more tempting. I haven’t quit drinking, and I know I never will. But I’m learning to control it. Instead of having x days clean, I only drink about 1 day a month. But when I drink, I do ugly things to try and get more alcohol, for I’m not even 21 yet and can’t purchase my own alcohol. But believe me, when I turn 21 (in 72 days) the real challenge will begin. I know it will be tempting to go out and buy a 12 pack after work everyday, but I have to train myself to NOT drink everyday. Mostly because of the whole tolerance thing. Beer may be cheap, but I hate having to drink a 12 pack to reach my peak of drunkenness.
You’re embarrassed for expressing yourself on this website? Hello?! The name of this website is the ‘suicide project’. We are all here to embarrass ourselves. You will never be judged negatively by me because I have a username on this website too. We’re in the same boat. I am just as embarrassed as you are, posting my most personal thoughts. I appreciate your post, as stupid as it may seem to you. You caused me to examine myself and my actions in a new way, small as it may be, you have. And you’ve helped me open up to the internet in a way I never would have done before. Thank you.
ah to be 20 again. i will save you the “you have your whole life ahead of you bs”. when i was 20 i felt much the same as i do now. major depression is a *****. but i am still here. with the benefit of hindsight i can tell you find someone to talk to now. you are not too far gone to help. it just gets harder as we age. do it now while its easier to change your “spots”. as for me embarrassing myself , it was something i did in an earlier post. said some things that were “inappropriate” and awkward. hindsight is always 20/20. looking for a level of trust in a relationship that is not there.