i kept telling myself that if i got sober all my relationship problems would change. And they did… but not the way I wanted them too. Now that I have relapsed its even worse than before. The arguments the fist fights…. it’s all back ten fold. And now that i rebuilt relationships with my mom and sisters I don’t necessarily want to die because I don’t want to hurt them but I can’t handle this relationship up and down and pain every day. And at the end of it all it’s all my fault for being a selfish addict and no matter how much I […]
Its not as if I am suspicious for no reason. Much as I wish I were delusional and my paranoid thoughts had no base in fact, previous incidents and repeated behaviors are pretty hard to ignore. Words are powerful but only when your actions match them. And then there are facts that back up my theories that cant be denied and you refuse to explain. I think what I neex to move on is closure and for you to take some responsibility. But if you havent been able to be truthful in the last 2 years its like waiting for a liar to tell the […]
i’m am bad.
fundamentally broken.
defective.
and that was before all of the diseases and addictions set in.
i try to be good.
i have the best intentions and strongest resolve whenever i set out on a mission.
but without fail i get the complete opposite reaction.
i destroy what i am trying to build.
i hurt those i am trying to love.
and i waste the love i’ve have been praying all my life for.
its like a sick twist of fate. drug addiction has been a part of my life since i was 15. i turn 23 in september. it has infiltrated and destroyed every aspect of my life. i cant count the […]
drugs have taken my sanity my dignity my body…. my entire exsistence. I go against every principle i believe in and every line i wont cross. i push and push and push knowing the pain i’m causing knowing that i’m destroying every good thing in my life. i try to stay sober. i give it my all. but even when i’m sober i dont have a life. the only life i have is in the streets. i don’t know how to relate to anyone on any normal kind of level. i dont know how to react and handle stress any way other than using. its […]
I don’t know anymore.
I don’t even want to know.
Knowledge is painful.
Ignorance is bliss.
Its an ugly truth that I’m too
all the progress i made and for what? to end up in the same way worse mental state and all allone again. how many times am i supposed to go before i just give up? thatys all they think i’m capable of anyways. its all i know how to do. and the one thing that i need to change to possibbly have a chance a something better i am not willing to do. Â he’s the only one to ever really love me and if es in the streets ill be right there with him. he said he was going to change and i dont want […]
the only reason i didnt close the 4 in between me and the ledge of our 3 story roof
was because i didnt want you to have to get caught up when the police come for the body.
screaming and crying and after our blow out
because i cant even function or see myself without you without breaking down
and your aparently so affected by our arguing
that your first thought is to sit and watch porn .
thanks fo not noticing ort checking on me after our fight.
and then
you still expect me to want to have sex with you.
i should  have just jumped.
one way or another i will die if […]
I can’t feel anything because I feel all of itI met him 3 days after I moved back to seattle. And I have been with him since. But in the year that I have been with him I have hung out with friends 2 days. Other than that I’m alone all the time. And tonite was the last straw. I told him about me picking up my tanks Friday and he told me to shut the fuck up with my baby shit. I didn’t want to admit that he doesn’t love me. He used to like me and I make good money. Whowouldn’t keep around […]
Made the plan
Gathering materials
Final thoughts wishes and apologies closed
Lettes to my loved ones written
Only thing left to do is arrange my donation to science
Pick up the tanks fridays and book my hotel for the night.
This is the most relief I have felt the last 3 years.
The first thing I ever planned executed and completed myself in my life.
Ironic that its my death.
I wanted to leave a video but I’m to ashamed of how strung out and depressed I look.
I hope the memeory of me has an image of me when I was beautiful… at least […]
Why say sorry if you don’t mean it
Why ask me to cuddle if you don’t want me near you like tell me to stop if you give me what I need to keep going by keep me around if we don’t like it off
You enjoy seeing me cry you think you feel better to know you hurt me why ask me to do for you but you won’t do for me what’s wrong with the quality
Feel so cold you burn?
Its like every nerve is being. Electrocuted at once.
Each time I get that look from him.
Like scum of the earth is better than me.
All alone surrounded by people
Humiliated disgusted ashamed to be me.
The feelings you send me reciprocated.
Why am I so in love with someone who hates me more we everyday?
I guess I must be that worthless of a person because he is all I have.
I do my best but everything is wrong.
What do I hav e to do to be worthy of love?
I don’t need to be like anymore.
Just not […]
Everytime I start to look up
Believe that I am fixable
Trust that I’m wanted for who I am and not what I can do for someone
The rug gets pulled shredded and cremated.
When you knowsomething for a fact beyond a shadowof a doubt
And it turns out to be false,
How can I trust anything?
When is it my turn to have someone in my life that sees positivity in me as I am.
Who will come to me void of ulterior motives
Then again I hate me too as I am.
I dopnt know how I destroyed myself so thoroughly
I can’t even hang myself […]
I’m not perfect and I am by no means trying to say I didn’t do my fair share of. Hurtful thing. But why can you not take any responsibility for your damage you incurred? And why do you have to be so mean and spiteful and down right nasty. Just because something is different doesn’t mean its opposite. nothing is different but everything is unique. a fact is a fact. Cannot be changed but truth is objective. Preception is reality and no one can tell keep it from you. I hate that u won’t allow us to both be right. Its always a battle. […]
How can I say it more bluntly.
“I am researching suicide methods. I have found my exit and started buy supplies.”
“Oh…here’s more crack finish smoking and come lay down”
What do I have to do for someone to notce, to care?
Kill myself
Just joined today…. I guess its true what they say about seattle having the highest suicide rate. Ill be the next statistic to add to that list. Its so fucking difficult to have any self confidence or self respect when no one around you doesane the things about me I like get made fun of whenvi share them. I guess it makes sense that the world which I’m in now is too far a cry from me. Like really how am I going to feel suicidale over a drug dealer boy rfriend who hasn’t got shit for himself? He makes me feel lower than scum […]