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Nathaniel_Morisawa

I am characterized by a very extreme dichotomy. On the one hand, someone genuinely altruistic and compassionate; someone who seeks to make the world a better place through calm dialogue and education. But on the other hand, I'm someone designed for very sinister purposes. Purposes that both betray the core of my character and define it. Because of this contradiction, my life has become very confusing, embarrassing, and lonely. I wish to kill myself mostly because I believe that someone like me doesn't belong in this world, but there are many other reasons as well.

The Sixth Word was “Surrender”

by Nathaniel_Morisawa
written by Nathaniel_Morisawa

So if you check my posts, you’ll see that a while back, I talked about going on a trip to Europe with a travel partner.

Well that travel partner was a girl I fell madly in love with and someone who promised me that regardless of whatever life threw at us, that we would go to Europe together.

Well that girl cancelled on me.

Well that girl is pretty much going to go live in New York with another guy.

And don’t give me that bullshit about there being a lot of fish in the sea. Because I don’t want to fucking hear it.

Well world. The sixth word has been spoken. […]

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Dust…

by Nathaniel_Morisawa
written by Nathaniel_Morisawa

When you die, people honor you, people miss you, some people are glad you died, even. But give it a few years and you just sort of…  disappear. You become that one person who died from ________ (fill in the blank) and it all ends there. People may or may not have some memorial to honor you, but only if they’re those kinds of people. You’re sort of forgotten as everyone goes on about their lives, I imagine.

I guess that’s what I find so enticing about suicide. I’ll just die and everyone will forget about me after a few years. There will be no excuses or any […]

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What No One Ever Answered

by Nathaniel_Morisawa
written by Nathaniel_Morisawa

This is long, if you don’t mind, but I’m sad and I tend to get all blabbery when that happens.

Lately it’s been very apparent that people don’t cut me the same slack that they would virtually anyone else (literally, from douche bags to decent people and everywhere in between–this has been tested). And because this seems to be a repeating phenomenon; where I’m given not even a second chance, I can’t help but wonder: am I really so unsavory of both character and appearance that I warrant indecency? But even that doesn’t make sense to me. People have told me I’m “hot.” People have told me that I’m “really sweet.” People […]

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The Fifth Word was “Abyss”

by Nathaniel_Morisawa
written by Nathaniel_Morisawa

I am slowly coming to honest terms with the fact that, against all of my efforts, there truly is no hope for me. Whatever good things that I either create for myself or just happen upon me are all illusions whose ugly truths get revealed eventually.

I cannot trust my mom or my dad. Or the various mentors in my life.

I cannot trust my sister.

I don’t know if I can trust my brother, although ironically he’s shattered my trust many times in the past.

I cannot trust the only person who has ever really known me and who said the words, “I will always love you.”

I no longer have friends to break my trust.

 

This February, […]

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I Need Some Technical Help

by Nathaniel_Morisawa
written by Nathaniel_Morisawa

It’s been a while since I’ve posted on the Suicide Project, but I guess… It’s good to be back?

At any rate, this websites added a new feature of displaying actual user pictures–ones that’re more revealing than just some random colorful pattern–and I was hoping to figure out some way of either changing my profile picture or deleting it entirely. This is because I’d like to post here without having my privacy compromised.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

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Something Has Shifted Again

by Nathaniel_Morisawa
written by Nathaniel_Morisawa

Admittedly, I find myself at a strange place now. Before I was so sure about wanting to kill myself. But now–after having thought about my motivations for not just dying, but living as well–I don’t know where I stand. There is still some motivation for wanting to die, that much I can say with certainty. In fact, that motivation is still unconditional just as it has been. However, I’m afraid that somewhere in my subconscious, that motivation stems from something superficial. So I find myself needing to know what that “something,” is and once I do, I can act full-heartedly and decide with a clear head, whether or not I should live.

I’m so close to […]

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Nothing

by Nathaniel_Morisawa
written by Nathaniel_Morisawa

Somehow I always end up back here. When I tell people it makes things worse or things stay the same. Yet I’m here. Yet I’m here.

My mom hid her gun. I’m not very happy about that.

I need help. But I don’t know what to do. Am I waiting for someone to help me? Or is this my pathetic attempt at wanting to help myself? I don’t know. I don’t know.

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This is Excellent

by Nathaniel_Morisawa
written by Nathaniel_Morisawa

I’ve started outlining my memoir. Finally, I’ve gotten going on this and I didn’t have to quit my job or quit school to do it. I’ll just add a little bit to the memoir project every day until it’s done. When it’s done… Then I’m going to get all my loved ones to hate me (so that killing myself will be that much easier). And when I’ve accomplished that, then I can shoot myself without having to think twice and thankfully, the memoir/very long suicide note will be there to explain my behavior.

 

I’ve lost you and have thus, lost the only person I used to really matter to. How […]

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This is My Convinction. Is It Yours?

by Nathaniel_Morisawa
written by Nathaniel_Morisawa

As I walked home today, I realized that me–and people like me–are like lonely rocks that sit unmoved in a river. Allow me to explain.

Imagine life and all of it’s interactions–people growing up, becoming influenced, learning, meeting other people, having kids, influencing the world–all that stuff. Imagine all of that as a body of water, or in this case, a river that flows and travels in a certain direction. Kind of like how most people are; they just go with the flow and as a result, they are rewarded with being a part of a greater collective that supports them. Of course, the “river” may diverge […]

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The Fourth Word was “Death”

by Nathaniel_Morisawa
written by Nathaniel_Morisawa

The drive and the will have already been established. The only thing that remains now is to write out the truth and buy a gun. As soon as I get a place of my own, I can basically consider the both of those done and done. Funny… I never thought I would come back to this point, but never say “never,” I guess? To have dreams and ambitions wasn’t enough, I guess. At any rate, it’s good that I finally found out why I’ve been alone so long. The answer was right in front of me. Why now? Why couldn’t it have been sooner?

I wish I lived in a world […]

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The Assisted Suicide

by Nathaniel_Morisawa
written by Nathaniel_Morisawa

Hmmm… What about getting a police officer to shoot me instead of me shooting myself? No one would get hurt except for me AND it would be recognized as a suicide attempt.

So either way, I win.

And then of course, with the recent spike of shootings, cops are sure to not take a second chance. So I figure that I just bring a gun–it wouldn’t even need the clip–and just pull it out and aim. Then the rest is their doing. In my suicide essay, I would make sure to clearly state that the cops aren’t at fault and that the whole thing was a suicide attempt. That way, […]

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The Everlasting Circle of…

by Nathaniel_Morisawa
written by Nathaniel_Morisawa

Often times I wonder how I reached this point. This point of no return. Of an endless repitition of internal suffering. I can’t really think of an answer. Perhaps that means that I was just destined to be this way.

Many different people think the solution is simply, talking  about your feelings or seeing a shrink or just looking at life at a different angle. But they’re all wrong. Because no matter what people say on the outside, you’ll always be that suicidal kid (no matter how old you are, actually) and despite all of the nice things they’ll say, no matter how much they tell you that they like you or that you […]

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The Third Word was “Hum”

by Nathaniel_Morisawa
written by Nathaniel_Morisawa

Even though the sun shines bright today, even though life truly is wonderful this day, at this moment, I can never forget the life of suffering ahead of me and I can never forget the suffering that brought me here, because the moment I do, all my efforts and my desire to end my own life will have been nothing but shallow delusions, things just felt in the moment and not profound at all. No matter what, I will hold on this feeling. Never to let go.

The Thirt Word was “Hum,”
Caught by straining ears
As I softly release
Your trembling arms…

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The First Word was “Dream”

by Nathaniel_Morisawa
written by Nathaniel_Morisawa

Feeling pain. That’s the only thing I’m good at. Yet, I’m too much of a coward to commit suicide. I hate being scared. Every time I look at that helium hood, I feel so scared. Maybe it’s just the way it looks, but I wish that fear would go away. I failed at being a writer. I failed at being a likeable person. I just wish I could go away and sleep for an eternity.

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