My name is Niki Wonoto. I am from Jakarta, Indonesia.
I am severely depressed & suicidal. I feel so alone, nobody cares, even if I die.
I’m 38 years old loser & failure. Maybe better to just die.
I am severely depressed & suicidal. I feel so alone, nobody cares, even if I die.
I’m 38 years old loser & failure. Maybe better to just die.
I’m an idealist. I have big dreams, and even visions to change the world. But sadly, in reality, there are still so many factors that limit me from achieving all my dreams. Instead, here I am just being another normal, ordinary, average Joe on the street that just only do mundane, boring, & meaningless job everyday. Even worse now, this all has led me to experience an existential crisis (or existential depression), that honestly, now I don’t even have any motivation, or basically zero energy to wake up every morning, because what’s the point? What is the point of living, and what is the purpose […]
A friend of mine used to tweet a phrase that always sticks with me: “Some people are lucky, some people are not.” That was some years ago, and the more I live now, the more I see (& realized/learned) that it’s true. Most people seriously underestimate how luck plays a BIG/HUGE factor in their lives. Or in life, for all that matters. I don’t know and I’m not sure if it’s due to the meritocracy thing (“If you work hard, you WILL succeed/reach success!”), or if it’s due to the ‘positive/optimistic’ self-help culture/trend/hype that is literally almost everywhere nowadays, etc etc. But I think it’s […]
Life can be so cruel for some people. I’ve just lost my gf of 3-years relationship, due to stage 4 breast cancer. I’ve accompanied her until she passed-away in just only 1 month last August, since she was diagnosed with the stage 4 cancer. The worst reality for me personally is that her death just coincided two days right after my birthday (26th August).
I’ve actually been diagnosed with severe depression; and not only that, but also most likely I’ve had severe anxiety, anhedonia, depersonalization, existential crisis/depression, etc etc, and even suicidal too. Added to all of these with a sense of failure & regrets at […]
…. if humanity is hopeless, if we are fragile, fallible, & hopeless mostly, and if what’s left is only a cold, harsh, cruel, bleak, stupid, meaningless / pointless, & depressing reality / life / society / world / existence, then why keep living? For what purpose? What is the point?
I’ve considered myself a pessimist now, and I’m 38 years old. To be honest, it leads me to being severely depressed & suicidal; there is not a single day now where I don’t think of death, and even suicide personally. Everything (or most of the time) just seems depressing. There are honestly only very few/little things in this life/world that interests me now, and even they’re easily crushed soon by reality. It’s depressing. And constantly reading about pessimism philosophy even reinforces how depressing this existence really is. Although admittedly, my pessimistic outlook were perhaps mostly & originally also caused by what I’ve considered myself & […]
…and that’s depressing (at least to me personally), when you then finally realized that basically everyday all we’re doing is just small, mundane, insignificant ordinary life. Nothing more. It all just seems so pointless & meaningless, like there is no point in the end, and in the grand scheme of everything (let alone in this vast universe). It’s what causing the existential depression in me, and it can get really bad to the point that I’m also feeling suicidal almost everyday, due to all the meaninglessness.
Humans are just capitalist robots/machines. fuck it ! biological sack of shits. Programmed just simply only to survive, and repeating boring shits routines everyday. Most humans are laughable in all their so-called “works, jobs, business, professional” yada yada fucking menial & tedious boring shits like that. What is all of this, seriously? Is that all there is to our supposedly meaning of life? Is that all there is to our so-called “purpose” ? Fuck it all ! We are going nowhere. And even if we do, our so-called “progress” is still laughable, when compared to our most creative & wildest imaginations & fantasy. And most […]
Some people are lucky, some people are not. In this world, there are winners and losers. And the harsh reality is I am a loser, I am a failure. It doesn’t even matter how many people have told me that I’m very talented, smart, deep, wise, etc etc etc. The fact is in this society, I am nothing, I am just a nobody. Unemployed, confused, depressed, and suicidal 38 years old whose dreams, visions, ideas, and idealisms are all crushed, broken, and destroyed by the cruel reality. I just made mistakes after mistakes. I blew all the chances, opportunities, friendships, relationships, etc etc. And it […]
Positive & optimistic people are often naive, ignorant, & simple-minded when they keep believing that anyone can be a winner in this society/life/world/existence. But if only they got their head out of their asses, and wake up & look at the reality just all around them everyday. Then people will see that there are poor & rich, sick & healthy, success & failures, sad & happy, blessed & depressed, the lucky/fortunate & the unlucky/unfortunate, and obviously there are winners & losers (or success .vs. failures).
Not everyone can be a winner. Not everyone can become number one, no matter how much even if people hope/wish/pray or […]
If I may ask, is everyone here working (or still have to go to work, for survival/money) ? Or not? (honestly, I’m almost unemployed myself, due to my severe existential depression). If you do, then do you hate your job? Or quite fortunate/lucky to love your job? Yet perhaps still feel pessimistic about life? If you work, and hate your job, then seriously, how do you cope with this life daily/everyday? Let’s share, thanks
I hate how suicide is always viewed/judged by people & society as a cowardice, stupid, and “taking an easy way out”. It seems to me that human beings (well, most of them inhabiting this planet) are either lacking empathy, or naive, ignorant, simple-minded, and just plain stupid, especially in their “optimism/positivity” bias.
Suicide is rarely or perhaps even never viewed as the simple fact & harsh truth/reality, that no, Life is NOT a gift. For some people, this life/world/society/existence/reality is a curse, full of (endless, unfixable) pain & sufferings.
I have always dreamed of changing the world. I am an idealist. But now, as I get older, I’ve realized that it’s just pipe dream. In reality, I am just a nobody. I’m nothing. Just another ordinary human being among 7.8 billion humans on this tiny pale blue dot planet Earth, in this vast universe. I feel like everything I do is insignificant, so small, my life is meaningless, in the grandest scheme of everything. So why should I live? Why should I keep living, if it’s all meaningless, futile, and pointless? Why should I just “accept reality” ? And what if I hate reality? […]
There are many lost brilliant ideas & visions, because of various limiting factors in life/society/existence, even including seemingly random factor such as “luck/fortunate”
I don’t think people deeply realize about this reality,
& how depressing it is for those who have failed
Long story short, my life is a complete failure. It’s full of wrong decisions, (in)actions, regrets, mistakes after mistakes, that I honestly think maybe it’s already too late to “fix everything” (eg: I’m losing all the good chances/opportunities, as I’m getting old now). It’s really ironic & tragic, because a lot of people always say that I’m very talented especially in music (I used to be quite an active musician & composer/songwriter, but sadly I’m still not famous & successful), smart, a deep thinker, a highly sensitive person, etc etc.
I am also an idealist, meaning that I actually have a BIG vision & idea for […]
People always tell me that I’m a musical prodigy, that I’m very talented in music. People also often say that I’m smart. I have always been that weird, strange, socially-awkward nerd/geek, even though people also say that I’m a natural good-looking guy, that I have a baby-face for a person at my age. I’m 37 years old now. I’m from Indonesia, btw, I’m a Chinese-Indonesian.I have always been interested in the ‘bigger-picture’, things like philosophy, asking stuff like what is the meaning of life? also why does everything exist? Who are we in this vast, limitless universe? Are we just a tiny little speck of […]
Only those people who are lucky & fortunate in life who can loudly say that life is a gift. The reality is, not everyone is fortunate. In fact, most people on this planet live in pain & sufferings just barely enough to survive. And then, even if people live in the first-world developed countries like in U.S or Europe for example, there are ironically still people who are depressed, and even suicidal/commit suicide. If life is a gift, like most people nowadays keep saying, then why all those reality exist? The only answer I can think of is: it is human’s nature perhaps for (most) […]