outinthedark

It’s so easy to just fall back into the pit. I’ve been slowly falling the last couple weeks, I thought it was getting better.
Tonight my boyfriend was in a standup show. He started doing standup 2 years ago but took a break. He promised me when he started that any jokes that involved me would get run past me. He didn’t do that this time. He made up a fake joke about me and it was an embarrassing one.
He had a couple friends at the show and they were saying “oh we know you and those jokes are definitely not true”

But I felt […]

It’s been a long time since I’ve been in here but I honestly didn’t know where else to go to get these thoughts out of my head. I’ve been doing better, been in therapy for nearly a year now, been on meds ( I really don’t think they do much but it helps others believe I’m better), we just got a cat last week and honestly that cat is the only thing keeping me going right now. I have a loving boyfriend I’ve had for nearly 6 years who told me he is going to propose within the next year. But tonight my brain just […]

I can’t do this anymore. I’m so tired. I’m tired of dealing with life. I fucking hate this. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I just want to go to sleep.

It’s been a bad day. It’s been forever since I’ve had this bad of a day. I can barely leave my bed. I keep crying for no reason. Why do I exist. I want to just disappear. I wish I was dead so badly. I wake up every morning just wanting to do it but I can’t because other people will be sad and I can’t do that to them. Why can’t I just be selfish.

Anyone else just have the feeling with the new year that we shouldn’t have made it this far? I didn’t want to make it this far. I still don’t want to make it this far. I’m tired, so so tired

I’m just so tired. I don’t see a point to this anymore. I just can’t do it. I just can’t do this anymore. I hate my job, I hate the people in my life, I see no point whatsoever to continue. I have no future. I’m just so tired and I want it to be over already.

Why can’t people set proper expectations. Why. I wanted tonight to be fun. I really did. Then he had to work. And set the expectation that he could get off early. But no. Now he’s stuck till close and didn’t even fucking mention it till now. And I’m just so disappointed. It fucking just wrecks me. And it’s so stupid for me to be upset about this. But I really just can’t take it when he knows my plans won’t work out and keeps the expectation that it will. Why why why must my life be full of let down expectations. I’m done with this. […]

Every time I look in a mirror I don’t recognize myself. I see someone who isn’t me anymore. I feel like I’m just here, hiding inside this body and it isn’t me. It isn’t me anymore. I don’t know how much longer I can last. I really don’t. My boyfriends best friend constantly asks him to hang out with her and her boyfriend and I don’t know if she just purposely excludes me or he just doesn’t want to bring me. And I am struggling so hard. So hard to keep it together. I’m pretty certain he’s just embarrassed of me now and I can […]

I don’t feel like myself anymore. I feel like I’m watching someone pretend to be me while I’m watching through my eyes. I can’t do this. I just want to be myself again. I don’t want to wake up every morning feeling like I’m empty or I’m just going to be crying all day. I’m tired. I’m so tired of this world.

I tried to pretend to be fine in my last post but I really just think I’m at the edge of the cliff. I’m trying therapy, but honestly I can’t think about anything besides killing myself. I’m giving it till the new year. I’ll give it till then, see if anything helps. But my boyfriend is at the end of his rope with my mental problems even if I put up with his anger shit. I’ll let everyone have one good last Christmas then I’m out. I sincerely have no goals, no motivation, I cannot do this anymore. I can’t pretend to be okay anymore. […]

Do you ever just try to repeatedly tell yourself that you’re fine when you’re not? When you’re hurt by something that isn’t a big deal and shouldn’t be a big deal and you’re just telling yourself you’re fine because being upset over it isn’t really a valid thing? That’s where I am. Trying not to cry at work while telling myself I’m fine over and over again.

I hate that I can be out somewhere having fun, having a nice time, and trying to get drunk to forget my problems and always in the front of my mind I’m thinking about suicide. I don’t even feel tipsy even though I’ve drunken so much. We went to a golfing place and we were on the third floor and I just kept thinking if it would kill me jumping of the ledge from that third floor. I was surrounded by old coworkers and my boyfriend and still in my mind I thought I would be better off if I just sprinted off that ledge. […]

The other day, my boyfriend was being really nice to me after I had a bad mental day and I said thank you. And he responded with saying that I deserved to be treated that way. Ive never had anyone say that before and it made me happy because I’ve never really thought that I deserved to have people be nice to me. I just thought I’d post a happy thought on here because all I post is the bad stuff and looking back on a lot of my old posts, I want something happy in there.
Everyone reading this post too deserves to be […]

One day I’ll have the strength to get out

On Friday I reported a coworker who was borderline harassing me and making me feel uncomfortable. And I keep going back and forth on if I should’ve reported them or not. And honestly it’s making me more and more anxious and depressed because now I wish I just didn’t exist so this problem wouldn’t exist and I know the easiest way out of this, but I can’t take that exit because itd make others very sad. And I’m just at the point where it takes very little to have me have those thoughts. It’s not even just wanting to cut myself to calm down it’s […]

Honestly, is there a point to living. I feel like there is no overall goal and we are just living in hell and I just want to get out and stop at this point.

I laid here for an hour wishing you would notice. I was over here digging my nails into my arm. When I grabbed your hand you just asked me “why?” There is no why behind it. It just happens. I can’t stop it. It just goes. You try to make me feel better. But I know you don’t care. You gave yourself to me to make me feel better but then left immediately once it was done. Now I’m just laying here trying not to cry. I feel so alone. The one person I trust, I can’t even open up to you. It’s nearly impossible […]

I love you. Yet you make me want to throw up. You’re mad at the world, so it makes you mad at me cuz I still have my job. Even the small things you don’t even realize. Yet I sit here feeling numb taking it because I believe i deserve it. I’ve always wanted someone to abuse me. I always wanted it because I thought I deserved it. Now I’m not so sure.

If one mistake I made before we were even a thing was all it fucking took why am I even here. Why did I even try? Why did I let you be the reason I lived? I should’ve killed myself when I had the chance. Before you slithered in and “saved” me.

You took away my one source of pain relief and took away my back up. I can barely come up with ideas around it so you don’t fucking know. I can’t cut because you’ll see it. I can’t drink because then I can’t drive to see you. I sat in the shower trying to boil myself alive and it barely worked. I am falling apart inside and I can’t do anything to distract myself from the internal pain. My only hope is this goddamn lighter but that pain doesn’t leave much of a scar. And the visual reminder helps me too. You left me but […]