Author

plasticflower

frustrations

by plasticflower 6/16/2024

written by plasticflower

it’s been a long time. over 2 years, i think. many things have happened since my last post, and i am just about to explode from frustration and just, feeling bad in general.

i started a relationship, actually. it started and it also ended, both things happened because i chose it to be like that. basically, my partner cheated on me while we were long distance. i can’t lie, it was a punch to the gut, i never thought i’d end up like this, and i truly never saw it coming. after we had a few issues regarding communication and just me ending up at the […]

6/16/2024 0 comment

05:13

by plasticflower 1/3/2022

written by plasticflower

Early hours in the morning really are quite nice. It’s been a long while since i was last awake this early all by myself, i should do it more often. There’s a certain… feeling of belonging at this time. And it just feels kinda right.
I didn’t sleep very well, it was actually kinda strange. I was dreaming, but my eyes were burning because i felt awake. Kept fully waking up and trying to go back to sleep quite a few times, so about an hour ago i just gave up.
It’s true what they say, that the sky’s darkest moment is right before the […]

1/3/2022 1 comment

by plasticflower 12/12/2021

written by plasticflower

i forget when i last posted here; most of my days lately go like that lol. it feels like i have things to get off my chest but honestly nothing comes to mind, kind of like someone put a blanket on top of everything that i just don’t have the strength to lift, which is frustrating.

lately i haven’t been sleeping much; honestly i don’t know why. i do feel lethargic and tired enough to sleep, but i just can’t. things look so confusing lately in my brain, it’s left me kinda disoriented.

it keeps getting more difficult, and i don’t know how to deal properly, much […]

12/12/2021 1 comment

09:55

by plasticflower 11/12/2021

written by plasticflower

i do think that i must be doing something wrong, because there’s just no way life’s supposed to be this miserable.
my head feels warm and foggy; i can’t remember what it feels like to not have a headache lol

11/12/2021 1 comment

who knows what goes on in people’s heads

by plasticflower 11/7/2021

written by plasticflower

it sure has been a week. honestly it feels like years have gone by between monday and today, days feel kinda blurred? who knows. my head feels like a cat’s litter box.
food is still kinda difficult; i found my body feels hungry but i have no appetite and honestly not enough energy to actually eat, so there’s that.
at some point this week i found myself crying because for a few days i’d been craving a milkshake, or something like that? but just thinking about having to go downstairs, prepare it, wash the dishes and then drinking it was too much effort, so i […]

11/7/2021 0 comment

lately

by plasticflower 11/1/2021

written by plasticflower

i’m pretty tired. life’s been quite rough lately. honestly i just want to actually feel like i’m talking to someone, since people are busy with their own lives.
when i was younger, sleeping and eating came so easily to me, i could sleep and eat whenever i felt like it with no issue. that’s honestly the only fact that made me realize i’m kinda going downhill lately lol. ate a little bit of cereal for breakfast since i wasn’t hungry but knew i had to eat /something/. then, a bit ago i though i should eat a snack but felt like throwing up as soon […]

11/1/2021 2 comments

by plasticflower 9/7/2021

written by plasticflower

not to sound like a broken record, but man have these past few weeks been hard. i don’t even know what to type, even though i know i want to get things off my chest; it’s annoying. finding things to keep my brain busy, or else i might just lose the small amount of sanity i have left. besides, classes start again next week. i don’t know what to think, or what i need or crave. actually, now that i’m actively trying to think, i don’t really feel anything; it’s a bit like being self aware while asleep. i feel scripted.

9/7/2021 1 comment

a hard day

by plasticflower 8/15/2021

written by plasticflower

today’s been rough. not sure why, honestly, it’s just been a hard day

i’m pretty frustrated with myself; kinda want attention but also i don’t want to inconvenience people by asking for it. eh, i don’t know

rough couple of days

8/15/2021 1 comment

by plasticflower 8/2/2021

written by plasticflower

lately, a few memories have been flooding my mind, not sure why. it’s been a rough few months, honestly. and flashbacks haven’t made them any easier.

classes and homework are taking up a lot of my time, but still, feels like i’m spreading myself thin. friend of mine started to talk more regularly with me this year and they think it’s great and all but half the time i don’t know what to say. every time we talk, i feel so drained; i just physically can’t keep talking for the whole day.

kinda hard to explain, but it just constantly feels like i’m being talked down to, […]

8/2/2021 0 comment

vent

by plasticflower 2/4/2021

written by plasticflower

generally, people always give the advice of putting yourself and your needs first. why is it that when i do it, i’m being selfish and purposely making like harder for everyone?

honestly i’ve been thinking so immaturely lately, i don’t know why.

i’m upset right now, actually. this whole week has been kind of hard, between balancing school assignments, some home finances, house work, doing just about anything that my mom doesn’t want to do and spending my mornings in waiting rooms while she does some exercises has been a bit much. finally, today i decided i’d work all afternoon on my own work i need […]

2/4/2021 2 comments

thoughts

by plasticflower 12/28/2020

written by plasticflower

All i want is to stop being a nobody in my own family, the last priority. Is it too much to ask for people to thank me from time to time?

I feel quite hopeless today.

I can be an asshole sometimes, and even though I don’t ever misbehave on purpose, sometimes i just can’t stop myself on time. Every single day i try my best to act accordingly, to do everything that must be done and what is, now, expected of me. However, sometimes i simply lose it, and act out. I don’t know why i do that, i really don’t. But it hurts others […]

12/28/2020 1 comment

air

by plasticflower 10/13/2020

written by plasticflower

i can’t feel anything lately. right now i should be sad, a family member passed away yesterday. but i truly just don’t feel anything. it’s like i’m walking on air

that’s not new though, i’ve been struggling for a few weeks. recently, certain memories regarding childhood trauma have resurfaced, and i don’t know why. again, i’ve been struggling a lot.

i don’t know what i want to say, actually. you know how people sometimes change their personalities slightly depending on who they’re with? lately i had to create a new persona, let’s say. my mom said a few things on different occasions, so i decided to pretend […]

10/13/2020 1 comment

5000 years later

by plasticflower 7/11/2020

written by plasticflower

well, i am BACK.
lately things have been pretty normal i suppose, though i can’t say i’m well, it’s alright y’know? honestly i’m just a bit more anxious than usual today because of a dream i had last night, where i tried jumping off a 7th floor but then nothing happened and no one noticed, so idk. felt off when i woke up.

also, i got an app to keep track of my mood because i always forget, so i can look back if i need to; it’s been helpful i suppose.

anyways, i hope everyone here has, at the very least, an okay day today, tomorrow […]

7/11/2020 1 comment

19:49

by plasticflower 11/4/2019

written by plasticflower

to say i’m stressed would be an understatement.
these days have been so hectic, i feel like i can’t keep up with everything, but everyone is constantly telling me to keep up, to cheer up, to calm down, to just stop feeling stressed. mental health has been a mess lately, and today is just not working for me. sometimes i wish i caught a cold so i could rest in bed, but then i remember that even if i’m too ill to get out of bed, i’ll still have to do everything.
the problem isn’t having stuff to do, the problem is having to do […]

11/4/2019 1 comment

8:55pm

by plasticflower 6/20/2019

written by plasticflower

long time no post!!!

i always randomly remember i have this account right when i need it. a whole lot has happened since the last time i posted anything, and honestly it hasn’t been too bad; bearable, i’d say. obviously, there’s many times i wanna sleep forever (guess who still isn’t able to sleep properly!!!!) but on may of last year i started going to university, so i don’t have much time to do anything basically. it’s definitely been an experience and i’m mostly happy about it; i feel like i chose something i could be good at. i just fear that everything that has happened […]

6/20/2019 0 comment

it´s been a while

by plasticflower 12/9/2018

written by plasticflower

i haven´t been here for over a year, and i really need to empty my brain, so here´s a bit of the mess that´s going on in my head

i tried to hide it more, so they wouldn´t notice. I guess I got too good at hiding it because now she thinks i´m doing so much better. And maybe I am, but it doesn´t really feel like it. I feel like soon i´ll break; and I don´t know if I can or want to stop it. Today she said, “I think you´re doing much better now. Do you still think you need to see a therapist?”. […]

12/9/2018 1 comment

seems like my best isn’t good enough

by plasticflower 10/31/2017

written by plasticflower

I’ve been wanting to go back home since the first night i spent here. Back then i thought we’d bought a ticket for me to go back after around six months, so i wasn’t all that worried. Though my mum told me in January we got a one way ticket. I was a bit upset, but thought, “i’ll just have to get through it and then i’ll go back”. But now, going back has been written down as probably the biggest failure. There’s such high expectations that i simply cannot meet. Everyone asks me what i want to do and why didn’t i think about […]

10/31/2017 0 comment

window distraction

by plasticflower 9/23/2017

written by plasticflower

these last few days have been really weird. the number of times i’ve left my room is in single digits; i can’t seem to bring myself to leave my bed for some reason. still unemployed, still being a failure, still not doing anything, still complaining.

i don’t know what to write, but about 5 minutes ago i was sitting on my window and had a feeling i could do something not very nice so i guess typing whatever is better than that.

9/23/2017 1 comment

11:33 pm update

by plasticflower 9/16/2017

written by plasticflower

yesterday i took full advantage of the numbness i’ve been feeling for the past few days. since i haven’t felt anything; not anxious, sad, happy, stressed, anything; i decided to finally make an appointment to talk with someone about what’s going on with my brain. it’s too annoying to ignore now, and honestly i doubt that’ll make it worse so i may as well try. the appointment is on the 28th, so in about two weeks but i guess it’s a nice thing and good news, i honestly don’t know and currently couldn’t care less. let’s see how that works out.

9/16/2017 1 comment

rambling

by plasticflower 9/12/2017

written by plasticflower

it’s been a while since the last time i posted anything here, but right now i feel like i just need to type stuff out.

lots of things have been happening lately, the biggest thing being i moved. i was okay for a while, feeling pretty neutral, which at this point is great. but it’s only been getting worse for some reason, nothing significant has happened. i’ve been feeling very weird these past few days though, i can’t feel anything. it’s like i’m numb for some reason? yesterday i met a youtuber i really admire and i thought i’d be so happy but i didn’t feel […]

9/12/2017 1 comment

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