Decided to come back again and write some more pitiful poetry. Well, kind of I guess. This time it is not about a mask, I think since then I have begun to accept it as a reality and perhaps that may contribute to the reason I feel like running away. This is my life now. You know, when I was in my depressed in my teens this is exactly how I imagined my life in my 20s (assuming then that I would make it to my 20s). Drunk, lonely, and fucking miserable. This freeloading sack of shit is precisely what I envisioned my life would […]
I spend my day wearing a mask. Not the cloth mask I am required to wear in each place of business I visit, but the kind that everyone sees and reacts to. The kind the people look at and don’t think much of. The kind that, if you had to comment on, you’d say “Ah he seems happy. He probably has his head on his shoulders.” That mask.
When I wear this mask, I can comfortably go into public and say I am one of them. Those people that got their head on their shoulders. Those people that have a great life […]
I have not been here in a long time. And when I do come back here to write, I first read my own posts, then motivate myself to get out of whatever little pit I am in and move on.
But right now I don’t want to do that.
Right now I rather wallow in my self pity. I don’t know why. I have been so stressed lately with everything I have going on, and the positive self-talk and manifestations are either not working or tiring me out. I just can’t right now. And the negative judgement I get from the people that are supposed to care […]
For a while, I was becoming something. I was becoming somebody that my Mother could be proud of.
For a while.
Now I am working towards nothing. I have become a fucking loser, a waste of fucking space, a fucking burden. And I have nothing to fucking live for, yet I have convinced myself that I do not want to kill myself. I spend all fucking day at home shooting the shit, pitying myself for what I have fucking become. I have become fucking worthless.
I want to just go. I want to go as far away as possible and keep fucking going until I find the farthest […]
Fuck expectations, man. Don’t expect me to fucking be happy, don’t expect me to fucking look forward to things, don’t expect me to fucking be motivated, and don’t expect me to want to live. You criticize me and wonder why I am the way I am, but you also choose not to understand why I am who I fucking am and how it got to be this way. And if I want to go as far away as possible, don’t fucking worry about me. I am my own fucking burden, don’t try to be there when it is too fucking late.
I really am just shooting the shit at this point. No matter what ambitions, goals or dreams I have had, I never do shit to make them reality. I’ll do the slightest bit of work towards them then fall off for weeks at a time. I don’t deserve shit.
I have realized that this entire time I have been feeling “happy” I have just been wearing a mask. A mask that has done it’s job so well it even convinced me. And it is so-fucking-exhausting! The past, maybe, two years I have successfully convinced myself and those around me that I am happy, I am confident, I don’t let things get to me, and that I am a fun guy. Truth is I fucking hate myself and I am ridiculously lonely. It is exhausting because I have created this expectation for myself and when I can’t meet them I am “being weird.” And I […]
I have too much on my fucking mind and here is me unloading it all. After all, my brother always said, “Humans were not made to just bottle things up.” So here is to your advice, Rud.
First, I heard through a friend that an old friend from my senior year of high school had passed away. It kind of hurt to hear the sad news as he was always a positive person and he was so young. Only as old as me, 21. I remember him reaching out to me about a year ago. I wish I knew then what I knew now, else I […]
I want to write this because you will one day read this. Whether it be the three of you together, or each at a different time, you will all read this. When it is called for I suppose. I also want to write this as a reminder for myself.
Boys,
You have no idea how much I love you guys. All of our lives it has been us four. Brothers. The best bond I could have ever hoped for. You guys saved me. In a dark time in my life, when all I could ever dwell on is how much longer I’d have on this earth. When […]
(Please read till the end) The title was meant to make me laugh. I have randomly been so tired and unmotivated. I haven’t been eating as much lately, which is weird because just last week I had been heavily indulging in Jack in the Box. This random week of depression came out of nowhere and I don’t know why. I am disappointed in myself because for a while, I was really motivated, I was working out twice a day, listening to positive audios, focusing on doing what I have to do to start my career. But all week, all I have done is sleep in. […]
I finally ready your letter sent last July. It got misplaced before I even knew it had arrived. My mom found it yesterday morning so I finally got to see what you sent. I finally got to see your response. I finally got to see why you addressed it from Jane Doe instead of your actual name.
First of all, don’t apologize for “being the reason I felt pain.” That is not your fault, it is mine. I felt pain because of the feelings I used to have for you. I felt pain because, for some odd reason, I could not move on for a long […]
I knew you would be leaving, yet your departure from our lives hit us like a truck. I didn’t have the strength to tell you the things I wanted to tell you. On the last day I saw you, all I had the strength to do was hug you and tell you I love you. That I will miss you.
I imagined in my head that on your last day we’d hug, I would look you in the eye and tell you how proud I am of you for being brave and dedicated to serving your country. For being strong and resilient through the process and […]
I still think about you. I made myself believe for a long time that I have finally moved on and I have finally gotten better, but that was only half true.
Truth is I thought I moved on until my birthday came and it was the first time in about 8 years you did not wish me a happy birthday. I know I told you not to contact me at all in the future, but a part of me kind of wish you did send me a birthday letter like you did last year. It messed me up, emotionally, getting that birthday letter when I did; […]
It has been an absolute long time since I have been on here. And I successfully avoided coming back here for a long time because I kept lying to myself by saying I am not depressed, I have no problems, and that I have no reason to end up back here. Well that was a fucking lie. Truth is I am in fucking denial. I walk around daily with a fake ass smile on my face and my chin to the sky making it seem like I have confidence and happiness. Truth is I am fucking pathetic. Honestly, I am just really fucking drunk and […]
If you wrote to me, I’m sorry. I didn’t get the letter. I only found out weeks later that someone placed it on the table and someone else threw it away. I never saw it.
I don’t know if this will ever change. I know I told you I am over you and want to forget about you or everything that I did was so that I can finally get over you, and move on, but the truth is, I don’t think I am. I have been thinking a lot about you lately and it’s not even that I still feel that way for you (because honestly I don’t) but more because I literally cut you from my life. For you it was sudden and maybe surpising and I feel that I never got closure. I don’t know what I […]
It is your fault. It is also my fault as well, but I want to blame you. Blame you for my condition, blame you for my life today, and blame you for allowing it to go on. This is it., I am done with you. I don’t have to hate you, but I want to.
Rest in Peace
My happiness
August 27, 2017-March 11, 2018
This is may be a long post so stay if you like.
I have dealt with depression for the past four years of my life, and it was real shitty. In have been in love yet remained so fucking lonely, I have failed in many endeavors, I have been a fucking disappointment, and I have been suicidal. In the past two months I have done so much for myself to feel better and holy shit do I feel great. In those two months I have stopped smoking pot so heavily (that shit does not help with depression, man) and lost over 25 pounds of healthy weight […]
“And that girl, cut her off.”
I cannot believe it has taken this long to finally fucking realize I should move on. That I might get better without her. Not that I neccessarily had to “be with her,” more like she shouldn’t be in my life for my own mental health. I have wasted the last five fucking years of my life. I don’t regret meeting her. I regret falling in love.
Lets see how long I last.