It’s been a while for me here. I always somehow find myself here again. I don’t think I am actively suicidal anymore, but I never am happy or ok either. I graduated from uni earlier this year and life feels even more empty. I thought to myself, trying to console it, that I do have a chance now. I have good friends, enough creativity, some sort of motive and means to get out of this shithole and find a life. But the world isn’t good enough. even if i decide to live, actually live, the world isn’t worth living in. It’s all a game to […]
the thing is, i don’t understand myself either. i am also a stranger to my own emotions and my own thoughts, my memory doesn’t work anymore too. they ask me what i mean and why i am like this as if i do know, they get mad as if i like being unbearable. i don’t think i have truly talked to anyone is a long while now.. i’ve spoken but not actually talked. i’m always mad too.. and hopeless, and frankly i want to punch every person that tells me it’ll get better.. no it won’t, the problem isn’t that i’m just not trying hard […]
literally everyone i know has now fucked up their relationship with food?? wtf happened? i fucking hate how i can never go all the way in something ive been struggling for 4 years now and nothing happened even when i reached 14 bmi,, whenever i do lose im very good at hiding so no one thought of anything serious. i still would go out and eat and laugh, then run to a dirty public bathroom throw up my guts in the fastest time i could then go back to laughing and enjoying. and now at least 4 people i know keep telling me oh they […]
im unable to talk to anyone or care about anything.. im not even sad at this point it’s more so i feel at peace. and in this peace i want to die. i dont want to worry people because i know they care but i just dont want to live. i dont want to be. i keep saying things will change but who am i kidding? like for fucks sake who am i kidding? i literally feel a hole in my chest. and i dont think it’ll ever go away its been here since forever. i know i must die but its just too much […]
-tw ed- it’s been a long while since ive been even aware of my life, i literally just seem to be floating around.. my eating problems have gone through the roof and body dysmorphia is eating me up.. i cant seem to think beyond my reflection and even when i do other things im just suffocating. i cannot walk without feeling every inch of my body its killing me.. i go from days without food to multiple binging and purging sessions and god i feel so disgusting to purge in public bathrooms. im literally a mess but i go out of my way to hide […]
everytime i try to convince myself that it’s okey and the future can be good i take one look at the news, or even just open twitter and im overwhelmed by the terrors of the world. im aware life has always had it’s hardships but it seems as though no one is actually living “to live” instead we are all “trying to stay alive” except ofc the rich and powerful. so why is this even worth living for? i literally have suicide as my plan B if any little thing in my life goes worse. i still somehow still have no died because of the […]
is it sad, that i always find myself back here? whats sad anymore.. i feel numb, no feeling lasts more than 5 seconds. and i have gotten used to it. i bared with that empty feeling for so long, so hard. even my tries to die weren’t so genuine.. i am too tired to even die. if the world collapsed this very second i would just blink and probably feel nothing still, maybe a glimpse of relief but thats all. i just really wish i never existed. i didn’t want to exist i never asked for it, and i feel like im ungrateful because of […]
you know when you just don’t feel anything, nothing feels good, no one is important and you sit in the middle of 200 people and no one knows you want to slit your wrists and die. i wanna stab myself but i don’t have my blade, i at some point changed to smoke instead of cut but now smoking doesn’t feel satisfying enough, i can’t rant more than i already do, somehow as if ranting will make things better but not really. it’s just when you truly understand how much of a nothing you are, average at best, maybe not really average but then you […]
i don’t know what to do anymore, so, i met this friend of mine last semester of my senior year. somehow we became close very close, however, she had to go forever to another country. we stayed in touch and we kept on talking every single day. she is now my best best friend, the best one i have ever had. At even sometimes thought i liked her even more but it’s not m topic. we both had our shit and every time we are there for each other she’d comfort me and calm me and id do the same for her. it’s been two […]
i really dont want to live. i dont want to be alive. to care for people or talk. i can barely even talk to myself. i dont want to be here. i’ve tried i stayed away and said i’ll work things out i’ll think more i’ll be more positive or i’ll just throw away all my thoughts and pretend life doesn’t bother me, but it didnt work. i’m here wanting to slit my throat. it’s harder each time. i want to end this.
i’ve always thought of this because these young people deserve the time to get better but is it alright if they did actually kill themselves? just to think of it if their depression comes from internal reasons that kind of depression never goes away does it? or is it just that they don’t know much of life so that they cannot really just die? it may seem like a dumb question but at which time is it acceptable to give up. i’ve wanted to die since 11 now im almost 19 nth changed and yeah that maybe is nothing but when can i just say […]
i really hoped for things to go well for my life to work but everyday feels duller than the day before. i seriously don’t know why i’m sticking around. meeting people, working life, socializing it’s all so tiring so hurting i wish i can just leave end this nonsense of pretend. it’s like it’s all foggy but just around my head everyone can see and smell and i’m just blindly moving. a damn robot. gotta look good gotta small talk i’m seriously done. the fact that nothing won’t change makes i even worse. i don’t think anyone really cares if i went they’ll just say […]
i wish i can just die. like just die and go off. everything is too much to handle not because things are that hard it’s because i’m a coward. i’m just lazy. i eat, i panic then i eat. i want to fucking starve to fucking death but no i’m too lazy for that. i want to cut but i’m too lazy to clean after so i just end up sleeping. just sleeping and sleeping until my life goes away and my parents scream at me for not doing anything useful or helpful. i’m even lazy that i don’t finish my purge. how dumb is […]
i keep thinking that no matter how long i’ll live ill still be giving my life away and work only to support shitty companies that will eventually ruin earth. Even lets say i became something as noble as an author, i’d still be carried away with making books ruining tree for example. And even how people in fashion are trying to sell us things back, things that were on trend then died from trend but now since they ran out of ideas they sell the same things again, and we still buy it’s dumb. more of life not meaning anything. We cannot fix this messed […]
I really don’t want to exist mostly. I am not in a great pain nor sick nor abused.. what is the reason of this undying sadness that can never let me go. it’s not just about wanting to get away, it’s more like wanting to fade away because living is too much. How much i wish i can donate life to those who really wanna live those who change things and so on. i wish i was never born
what should i do? knowing that my life will forever be this meaningless?
Does the sadness ever end?
I’m so empty so weak and tired
Things probably never get better do they?
i feel so disgusted by my reflection, and my legs can’t carry me anyomore. i wake up to emptiness and i hate it. people say no you’re pretty how can you hate yourself? how can i not when all i see is an ugly face without a soul. i can fucking see every single flaw. and i feel the time passing while i stand in the middle. how can’t they see how pointless it is?
i keep trying to wreck myself instead of killing it,i cut even tho i don’t consider myself a cutter, i smoke but im not a smoker either, and i fucking hate food, and now for the first time in my life i’m starting to pass out randomly. the thing is tha now im not doing anything particularly to trigger this. but what’s even more sick is that i feel proud, it’s like my plans are working and im slowly dying. most of the passing outs happened when i’m alone thankfully and i was in a place to rest and not fall. it was only once […]
ive had enough, life hates me every fucking thing never worked for me. i wanted to get into a good uni, all my friends got in but me, i wanted a good major but now my major is stupid. i fight with my family about money and life is so fucking expensive i’d rather fucking die. i wanted to get a driving license but it got denied. i have to really beg for a ride even to uni and it fucking sucks . i dont think i really love anyone and the one person i love is too complicated and would leave any second. […]
hey, i wanted to ask this for a while and i searched lots and i never found a proper answer, so basically the girl i love has anorexia , its quite serious and no matter how much she sometimes reaches with recovery whenever she sees her weight up she’d freak out and goes back to giving up and wanting to die. i realllly want to help her, she gets treatment and all but they are pushing her so much and i know its too much and i want to tell her that she needs to recover without me pushing her more. how can i ? […]
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