Depressions eats away at my mind every single day, some more so than others but it’s always there. Some bad things have happened in my short 18 years on this earth but the events of Saturday night have hit me intesenly and I don’t know if I can recover and even if I can I don’t think I want to. Saturday night started as a trip to visit the family that I call my own, even though they aren’t exactly. They were at a friends having dinner so I went and joined them. We started drinking and playing some card games and people started going […]
Shanny
I have lost 4kg over the past week, through constant fasting and over the last 2 days a lot of walking. I am now under 50kg. YAY! My BMI is now under 17 and i am getting very excited.
My only worry is how long i can get away with this without my ‘family’ knowing. They made me eat pizza for dinner last night, I didn’t even eat a whole piece and i felt ill. I went for an hour and a half walk to work it off.
I really want this plan to work but I’m not quite ready yet, i still have decisions […]
So I posted a few days ago about the beginning of my plan to end my life, which involved me losing some more weight. I have been doing really well, and I have been really happy with how no one has noticed yet. However last night I saw one of my favourite things in the cupboard, a biscuit with caramel inside and chocolate on the outside, I picked it up and ate it. It was the first thing I had eaten in about 5 days and I only had one single biscuit but afterwards I felt so guilty that it gave me a headache. I […]
I am a decently skinny sized girl, weighing 50kg at 169cm. I have been watched by my ‘family’ and some of my pain doctors very carefully because apparently my weight is border line underweight. I am not 100% sure on how this will work or how I will actually end it but one of my main concerns was that my ‘family’ would have to find my body. So my plan is to lose more weight so that they get more concerned and put me into hospital again. Sure I will be monitored fairly well but I can lock myself in the bathroom and do whatever […]
It’s all fun and games, its all secrets and lies;
they all just ignore it until somebody dies.
No one seems to notice, they don’t even care.
She is hating herself, thinking life isn’t fair.
She feels so much love, but it isn’t enough.
The pain that she feels makes her life much too tough.
She tries to seek help, in doctors and more.
But her words all escape her as she walks through the door.
Seen as drama queen, with problems in the past;
She wonders how much longer all this can last.
Her mind has outrun her; the sounds she hears are not there.
She tries to ignore […]
I hate this so much. I haven’t eaten in 4 days, but hardly anything withing the past 2 weeks. I feel faint and gross but not hungry at all, thank gosh. I love how much more alcohol affects me now though, its great. I have thrown out more of my belongings now and erased most stuff from my computer, including passwords on to sites and photos. I think I am doing well with covering up that my depression is still around. My ‘family’ have no idea, I try to act fine when they are around so they don’t worry but the truth is I am […]
I have access to a decent amount of Tramadol Hydrochloride tablets, as well as almost 200 amitriptyline hydrochloride tablets. Could these kill me if taken all together with the addition of alcohol?
My life was finally looking up. With my pain being under control and my eating going back to normal everything was starting to look good. I had my future planned out and school was going great. I was having the best time with my friends and I couldn’t love my new family more. I sorted out how confused I was and realised how much I liked him and he liked me. And I finally got my best friend back.
But all in one day everything turns around.
Now I don’t see the point of anything. I don’t want to be here and I […]
Once again the health system has failed me. After waiting for two years for a diagnosis for chronic pain, my operation was scheduled for this month on the 10th. But of course nothing can go right for me, so it was canceled. Awesome, right. This was supposed to stop my pain and take me off of my pain meds, which meant that the doctors could start me on my anti depressants. But now this isnt going to happen for months. I have no faith at all that i will make it that far. It has been soo hard to wait this long and my mental […]
Can death truly be the only way out,
because at the moment it’s all I see.
Other options seem to be non-existent,
But this choice leaves me feeling so distant.
In the dark I wait for a time to leave,
And decided on a way to go.
I cry as I wait in silence,
And pray for some help or guidance.
I am certain of the path I wish to choose,
But unsure of how people will feel.
I hate to think of who they will blame,
And if they will feel a sense of shame.
There are many ways to leave this life,
But how, I […]
My cuts are spreading rapidly from head to toe, And my will for death continues to grow. The pain is getting stronger, And i dont know if i can live this life much longer. Everything only seems to be getting worse, it feels like my entire existence is nothing but a curse. They say the straight path is up ahead but i cant see anything beyond the bend, And i cant wait, this has to be the end!
I was searching the internet for ideas on how to commit suicide when I found this site. I read some of the stories and was extremely surprised by how many people feel so similar to how I do and some have even dealt with similar lives. I am at the end of my rope right now, I’m physically and mentally exhausted and I just don’t think I can carry on anymore. I have hurt myself many times by cutting, burning and I have come close to overdosing a few times but some part of me doesn’t want to end my life because of the people […]