it scares me to be home alone. i like it. i like the freedom but i hate being by myself im scared what im going to do. thats why i always go out so im not left alone with my thoughts. .. i had a really weird urge to cut that randomly happened with one of my friends over. i couldnt wait for her to leave so i just locked myself in my bathroom with my razor and went at my wrist. fucking shit the cuts just went away so now i have to hide them from people.
my mom and i made up i guess. she started bitching at me after i helped her with video taping something and she told me that she is relieved im leaving. idk it hurt that she thinks that im such a bad person and im really trying… today i started talking about stuff with my friends mom that i used to be really close to. its the first time seeing her in ages. it felt good to talk to someone but i think somehow she knew i was lying about being better and she looked worried when i told her i took myself off my […]
today has been such a shit day. i woke up feeling awful. i feel naucious and i have a killer headache. my mom is pissed at me for no reason and i dont want to be home. i wish i could just leave and i wish i had drugs. i really want some perc 3o’s right now and honestly if i had money to buy some heroine i would. i need something because i feel like im about to break down and cry and scream and stab myself in the stomach. i just dont feel good and i dont know why. nothing has happened really […]
ive had a killer headache all day. even though my morning started off pretty good and ive had a low stress day i just feel like shit and dont feel good at all. it dosent help people asking me if im ok when they dont want to know the answer. dont ask me something if you dont want me to tell you the truth. you only like the happy, stoner, party side of me so dont try to get to know the real raw me no one sees. yea you used to know me but then what happened, you put me in a fucking mental […]
woke up early smoked a small bowl and cig had a huge cup of coffee i think its going to be a great day! 🙂
oh you noticed the cuts on my thigh and hip? you said i could talk to you? where were you when i cut everyday during class and soaked my shirt sleeves and agenda in blood? where were you when i was crying and having panic attacks everyday in class? you were sitting right next to me. you saw. you knew i wasnt ok. now that i look ok and im acting normal its safe to say youre there for me to talk to… yes i know it was out of kindness and i know that was the past but “in this bright future you cant […]
its not the same but its getting more familiar and easier. its hard to forget the past when the past is so painful and still fresh. every time i see her i think of that one post. So i pack another bowl and take another hit to forget it. But i swear her words are burned into my brain. I wish i could tell her but i feel like i would break down and thats the last thing i need. I need to be fine but im afraid its getting bad again.Â
i dont like people staring at me it makes me feel uncomfortable.
idk what to do. i can have someone pick me up and leave but my mom said then ill get kicked out which means no college. which mean my future is over. i would leave but now im not even welcomed at the one house i consider my 2nd house. they all hate me. my family hates me and my 2nd family does too. i cant breathe. i cant think i just dont want to be here anymore. i guess ive officially broke. i would go buy some pills at the store but i feel sick. i havent eaten anything really in 2 days and […]
i cant. everywhere i turn his name is mentioned or brought up. Everything reminds me of him. everyone knows him. i try to seperate myself but i cant. I LITERALLY CANNOT FORGET YOU. I loved him so much. I LOVE him so much. if i saw him idk what id do. id break down sobing. id run up to him and jump on him. id slap him and curse at him and let him know how much he hurt me. how much he is hurting me. i cant breathe when i think about him. i see pictures with him and his new girl on fb, […]
Im burnt out tipsy and just really sad and pissed off in general. im missing out on a party and just fucking pissed i have to be home just sitting in a dark sad house with arguments. i just dont feel right. i feel myself slipping just my mouth and my nose arent submerged beneath water. can people tell? i dont think so… i can tell tonights going to be a long one. maybe ill take a knide and cut off all the fat on my stomach.
i thought my arms were beautiful when they were covered in my art work. when they bled crimson red. when the blood would drip down my arms and steadily onto the floor. i loved the feeling of the rough horizontal lines i felt like a tiger <3. i loved the sharp pain i felt when digging and slicing my blade into my skin which parted and poured out blood. i miss the words that i can still see forever scarred onto my skin; breathe, love, crazy, no love. the words that describe me. the words that were so close to me that i […]
ive gotten fat… im getting better at putting on a smile. ive been dressing nicer and more preppy. ive been laughing more. ive been crying less. ive been arguing more. ive been thinking ab0ut him more. ive been treated worse. ive been told everything will be ok but ive been told that before. ive been keeping everything inside like i used to. im reverting back to the old me. perfect pretty girl. loud and outgoing sarcastic with everything put together. hah what a fucking joke. but i am so good at keeping everything in. ive only been cutting on my wrists so i can hide […]
Hey sp. So just a little update I just returned home from my 2 week stay with my dad in Hawaii. It was absolutely beautiful and if anyone is looking for a beautiful and peaceful place to think about life definitely that is a place to visit and get your head together. Unfortunately my experience wasnt too great because of my bad relationship with my dad… He actually grabbed and shoved me after getting in my face and screaming and cussing me out. I thought he was going to actually hurt me but I got out of the house before he could physically harm me […]
I dont think i was ready to be re-introduced to my past again. It through me off my good streak :/ Im going to try to fight back this bad feeling and not let it get so bad this time.
Im getting bad again
I got my period this morning and i just got off an acid trip so im feeling really low. its the one time of the month i cant fight off. i know i said id never get on her ever again but i need to hear myself think for a bit to keep these thoughts away. Fucking shit… and julian just fucking left. feel like a panic attack is coming on 🙁
Hi everyone my name is Sunflower. I have been a member of this sight for a while now (over a year i think maybe 2). This sight has helped me tremendously. When I had no one I came here to talk and express my feelings. Ive made friends here; some of whom havent come on for a while and I hope are doing well. When  I say I love you all i mean it. My life has been hell, confusing and oh so very lonely and SP has been my light through all the darkness. Anyone who I havent talked to on here i do […]
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