That is the date I have tattooed on my leg along with the depiction of the galactic alignment of our planet,moon and center of the milky way. To me it is the finish line. After that I can proceed with my plans to relieve myself of this fuckin bullshit life. I have been going over exactly how to do this and which is the best for me (being a huge *****) for over two years now and I have honed it down to a rather easy self deliverance method that I hope will take me from this hell on […]
tattoo400
tattoo400
I am 29 and I live in So California. My problems worthy of suicide are (as listed in order in my suicide note) are: Type 1 diabetes, Blindness, Mystery internal side pain and sexual addiction. My diabetes is not supposed to be part of my life as I am thin and no one in my family has it. The 3-4 shots every day are starting to disfigure my body and the insulin is to hard to accurately dose. The tumor that took my vision was benign but "shows an aggressive nature with a propensity to recur" and being without my vision is pure torture! I have some weird pain in my side that the doctors cannot find the cause for and I am hopelessly fixated on sex. I was born with the perfect sexual tool but I don't get to use it. I can't escape sexual thought's EVER. All of these things are adding up to me just pulling the trigger and hoping that it's better on the other side. I am not strong enough to stand up to this life. I am no young kid with all manner of reasons to be alive.......I am 29 and my life was over before it ever really began. I don't think anyone out there can relate to me or my problems so I don't expect anyone to say anything to me. The grass is always greener on the other side........
Fuck I really hope I go to get my yearly MRI next week and then have the Neurosurgeon go over it and tell me that it’s (my brain tumor) back!!! I don’t want to keep living this fucking LIE of a life! The worst decision I ever made was to have the first HUGE brain tumor removed! what the fuck was I thinking!? I could have just died and been done with this bullshit life! This is the only place I can just blatantly say : “I want to fucking die!!!” I can drop hints all I want on Facebook or even just wear black […]
Fuck I really hope I go to get my yearly MRI next week and then have the Neurosurgeon go over it and tell me that it’s (my brain tumor) back!!! I don’t want to keep living this fucking LIE of a life! The worst decision I ever made was to have the first HUGE brain tumor removed! what the fuck was I thinking!? I could have just died and been done with this bullshit life! This is the only place I can just blatantly say : “I want to fucking die!!!” I can drop hints all I want on Facebook or even just wear black […]
My problem is so unique and I wish I could say that is a good thing. It’s not my biggest problem but it occupies so much of my daily thinking that it is strong enough (when added to my other problems) to push me to kill myself. I am only 29 but if not for the ONE girl I found in high school……I would still be a virgin. Not a big deal one may say…..BUT…..I was born socially retarded…..I just can’t seem to get my shit together enough to have normal relations with the opposite sex. Oh I can carry on a conversation with girls […]
Now, I know better then to think that my situation makes anyone elses hurt less but I do feel that my suffering is so uniquely drastic that you deserve to view what real problems can be had by any one of us…While I do have several mental deficiency’s (social retardation,Depression,PTSD, Social anxiety) but I have a grab bag of medical catastrophe’s. I got insulin dependent diabetes at the age of 15 (weighing 100 lbs with NO family history). I spent the time from there until 28 dealing with constant thoughts of suicide. At the age of 28 I started to lose my eyesight. I found […]
I have been here before and obviously I have yet to take that leap…..as I feel I don’t have much longer if I just let it happen.So I guess you could say that I am trying to enjoy the last bit of it. I have come back just to post something I wrote and have either been ignored or told to shut up. If anyone can use it for any reason….have at it! it is true. The fallowing is the post—-
I […]
I have slowly but surely been getting my helium hood together so when that day comes when I really have had enough, I can just do it and be free from all the suffering. I was lucky enough to discover that even after you are unconscious, your body will still try to live so you can remove the bag from your head and live (NOT the intended result) so I had to start improvising and figure out a way to hand cuff myself to a chair AND restrain my neck so that I can’t pull the bag off. I am glad that I know to […]
The tumor that took my vision, did so, by smashing and thus killing my optical nerves. So that means that if you look at me, my eyes appear fine (as they are) so I have to make a really quick decision as to how I want to deal with who ever it is I am talking to…….do I want to try to nutshell the fact that I was blinded by a HUGE brain tumor and tell them that I can’t see real well OR just act as though I am fine (even though I am clearly not ok) So when people see me texting or […]
So here it is…..another day in this god damned life not worth living. I am sure I will get that same BS question that everyone asks: ” How’s it going?” and I want to scream: “I don’t do much except SUFFER, so NO life sucks and I don’t want to be here any more!!!” but of course I always some the same shit…..”I’m okay I suppose” but if they REALLY cared, they would inquire more into the meaning behind “I suppose” but they don’t because we are supposed to be on top of our problems not drowning beneath them….
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Type 1 Diabetes (3-4 shots a day for life), Clear Cell Meningioma, Internal pain, constant mental anguish over what I was SUPPOSED to be and what I am not.
Sure the mental anguish is not a physical problem but it will be when it ends up being the driving force behind me making my exit from this bullshit life. The other problems are in fact my own body turning on itself (pancreas decided to attack itself when I was 15 and therefore left me a hardcore diabetic for life (I am a chicken shit about needles and I knew the day I found out that I […]
I wish offing ones self was easier! Even with my physical suffering as fuel for the suicide engine…….I still get nervous even just thinking about putting the bag over my head or pulling the trigger on my shotgun. I guess I am just waiting until the straw that broke the camels back finally drops and gives me the balls needed to leave this life behind. So far I have everything…(no religious worry’s, plenty of suicide methods, etc.) the only thing I don’t have yet is the balls to take that final breath.
Living, breathing GHOST……life taken for cosmic balance…….
NO ONE gets out of this (life) alive……we ALL must die……some of us much sooner then we ever thought we would have to……..fair? NO! but that’s life…….well I say FUCK LIFE then.
Any time that I spend actually happy……I use to be as self destructive as possible. E.G. drinking too much, taking allot of ecstasy and other drugs. The only allure to use these avenues of self destruction is that for a little while (even if just for a few hours) I am HAPPY and I love it. I used to love doing things that did not involve drugs but I lost all that when I went blind. We all have our custom tailored prison cells and I don’t doubt anyone’s suffering but mine is so unique it’s scary and that contributes to the urge to die. […]
Whenever I am awake I feel the ever strengthening urge to just end the suffering…….EXCEPT after I get high……after I blaze out, I always feel as though I have been blowing things out of proportion. BUT after some time passes and the high wears off, I feel the urge again and I feel the reasons (pain) to go ahead with my plans again. One of these days I may end up succumbing to the urge and I don’t know what to expect. I do know that continuing to live a life wrought with mental and physical pain is not the smartest thing to do either. […]
In the book “Final Exit” the author states how to use Helium and a plastic bag to kill yourself and a tip I have is to figure out a way to hand cuff yourself or otherwise restrain yourself so that you don’t remove the bag after you pass out (it can happen) because I am pretty sure nobody here wants to have their suicide become a failure………I know I don’t want it to fail!
I highly recommend the book Final Exit. I got my copy on Amazon.com and it was worth every penny…..it will likely be the book that gave me the best idea as to how I am fittin to commit suicide.
Watching this documentary greatly helped me to understand that there is NO loving god that cares about you and made it MUCH easier to accept what I must do. Check it out on Youtube and tell me it doesn’t make you feel more at peace with having to die…….Zeitgeistmovie.com
I am not fuckin around here, check it out! it really will help you feel better about what we must do (especially if you have that pain in the ass religion guilt/worry hanging over your head!
These problems don’t have solutions, I am rotting inside this cell,my body is like a prison, only DEATH can save me from this hell…..
It stops when I either put the Helium hood on (after hand cuffing myself) or put the 12 gauge to my heart and pull the trigger. I am no teenager looking for attention or a person with little to complain about. I have been type 1 diabetic since the age of 15 (I am now 29) and the shots are proving to be too much for me. Last year I found out that I had a record breaking (size) Clear Cell Meningioma in my head that for whatever dumb ass reason I had it removed, but……….not before it left me blind! I can’t fuckin see, […]