thehusk

Sorry to be posting again, but I really feel like I need to figure something out soon. I’m completely paralysed by indecision, and I don’t think I can go on like this much longer.

I have no idea how to choose, how to make decisions, how to act, when I have so much conflicting stuff going through my head. I want so many different, contradictory things at different points in the day, and it’s driving me insane. I don’t know what to do. I want to erase myself from existence, but I’m terrified of facing death. I want to end my suffering, but I also want […]

I seem to be posting a lot lately (sorry.) Every now and then I get a clear reflection of who I really am, and it’s hard to cope with. I am a bad person. Even when compared to other obviously bad people, I’m unacceptable. I wouldn’t quite say I’m the lowest of the low, but I’m damn close.

Now of course there’s always little things anyone can do to improve themselves. But I’m so far behind, morally and socially, that it seems like no matter how much I try, the best I could hope for would be toleration and pity. I mean if I really work […]

I have these ideas in my mind of what my life should’ve been. Every day I get these little reminders, and it totally throws me. Just remembering that these things are still out there. Even though it’s not possible for me now. It cuts through the fog of my day to day struggle, and tells me ‘Look, remember this! It was real! This is what your life should’ve been! This is what would make life worthwhile!’. And then I remember why it’s no longer possible for me. Maybe it never was. And I don’t know what to do with that feeling.

I’m emotionally trapped in the […]

This life isn’t something that should be, surely. The chronic background of fear, guilt, shame, regret, despair, numbed by addictive hedonism. Better not to be. Nothing good can come of it. If anyone should kill themselves, it’s me. So why am I still here?

Maybe I fear cosmic justice catching up to me beyond the grave. Being left alone to face all that fear and despair with no means to push it down any longer. If I could somehow be certain that it was the end, then perhaps it would seem more appealing, and less like an existential leap in the dark.

Or it could be that […]

I don’t know how to deal with all the conflicting stuff that goes through my head. So many competing contradictory priorities and impulses, all seeming vitally important in some way. I don’t know which direction to go. People always say ‘listen to your heart’. But my ‘heart’ tells me very different things from moment to moment, and I suspect it may not be a reliable guide.

Much of the time I think it would be for the best to end it, as quickly and painlessly as possible. End any chance of greater suffering. But then that would negate all my other conflicting impulses. And I have […]

I spend so much time wondering whether I should be ending it. No matter how many times I resolve to keep going until something changes, I keep on reverting back to asking myself why.

I think it’s that I don’t know how to accept and live with the reality I’ve created for myself. I don’t know how to be this person. There’s no real meaning to it for me. I’ve made any kind of connection with anyone impossible for myself. I’ve robbed myself of stakes. Nothing matters. Nothing is worth suffering for. Nothing makes it worth enduring the little things that torment me daily.

But what’s the […]

On the one hand, want not to exist. Want not to have the experience of being ‘me’. No more regret, no more despair, no more isolation, self-hatred, guilt or shame. For all the wrongness just to be over. No more. Just emptiness instead. And I should do it. I should not exist. What I am should not be.

On the other hand…fear? Fear of? What if it’s not the end? I fear judgement, punishment, torment and eternal regret.

It’s hard for me to believe that this world has a creator capable of sitting in moral judgement. The amount of pointless suffering that takes place in the animal […]

I’ve been trying again to pin down what exactly it is I’m still doing here. As usual I’m failing to find a clear answer. By any standard morality, I would’ve been dead long ago. Any halfway decent person would’ve committed seppuku immediately in my situation. But of course if I were halfway decent, I wouldn’t be in this situation. Clearly, conventional morality doesn’t have a strong enough pull on my mind to motivate me to do ‘the right thing’. I feel shame, I feel guilt, I know that there’s a deep wrongness in me. But that’s apparently just not enough.

I don’t want to hurt my […]

Day after day, I return to the recognition that I don’t know how to live with myself. With my reality. With the awareness of what I’ve done, and what I am. There is no honorable life for me. The closest I could get seems unbearable, and I lack the conviction for it (I cannot explain). I think I would rather die than follow that intolerable path – it seems easier.

There would be little honor in my death either. But it’s still probably what I should do. And yet I don’t. I ask myself why, and what comes back is fear. Why fear? Because I lack […]

Desire is a problem. Wanting things that are most likely not possible. And the mind keeps nagging away at you, reminding you, ‘Hey, remember that thing that’s really important? You should go and find it, right now.’ And then you remember all the reasons why it’s not going to work out that way. And you have that moment of despair, where you realize the only thing that seems meaningful in the world is beyond your grasp, and there’s no point you even existing. But apparently you lack conviction in that assessment, so you try to push down the feeling and go about your day. But […]

It’s ridiculous how much of every day I spend feeling like this. Every few minutes a reminder of how unsatisfactory and unacceptable my life is. How completely screwed I am. That there’s no hope for me. And yet still, apparently, I just don’t want out bad enough. You’d think I would have numbed myself to all of life’s disappointments by now. But I guess I’m too attached to my own suffering to let go. Constantly subconsciously scanning for reminders of what I want but can’t have. The problem is me – my brain, my self, my personality. I do this to myself, because I don’t […]

I think I need some outside input on this. My own feelings fluctuate all over the place.

I’m trying to weigh up whether suicide is the wisest choice for me, as things stand right now. Whether it would be more rational than continuing to live. Whether it would be in my best interests, all things considered. I’ll start by trying to clarify my present state, compared to conditions where I’m fully convinced it would be better to end it.

For starters, I don’t have cancer, or some other terminal disease, or a degenerative condition like dementia. I’m not severely disabled, and I’m not in agonizing pain. I […]

I’m still stuck in the same old loops. It seems that I’m too afraid of death to end it. The rationalization for that is my lack of certainty that death is truly the end. I fear my consciousness somehow persisting, trapped in a state of regret, despair, and torment. I don’t believe in a soul, rationally speaking. But my emotions seem to think otherwise. I lack conviction in my materialist atheism.

Of course I’ll have to take that leap at some point, but I suppose I want to put it off for as long as I can. The idea being that perhaps there’s things that I […]

It’s so funny, the way the mind gets caught up on things that are so clearly terrible for it. How some of us just get stuck. And everyone we talk to about it just wants to scream at us ‘GET THE FUCK OVER IT!’ And we know they’re right! We know it’s maladaptive, it’s pointless. We can recognize, rationally, that this is doing us no good. But no matter how hard we try to reason with ourselves, to attempt to focus on doing something constructive, on moving forward, something in us just keeps wrenching us back.

It’s about meaning. I can know something is no good […]

Fear is my constant companion. Not sheer terror, but a background hum of dread and unease. I would distinguish it from anxiety, which manifests in many worries about trivial details of everyday life. This runs deeper, and colors  everything I do.

I fear judgement. Being confronted with the things I’ve done, and having to answer for them. For others to see the wretchedness within me.

There are fundamental parts of me that I can recognize are wrong, rationally speaking. That could cause great harm in certain circumstances. And yet they don’t feel wrong, in themselves. Quite the opposite. That’s part of the problem. The guilt and the […]

I keep getting sucked back into the past, searching for a time when things still felt meaningful. When I could still sometimes convince myself that I was acceptable. It’s a long time ago now. I desperately want to go back, and somehow preserve that illusion. Stop myself from ruining everything. Push myself to find real connections. Prepare myself for the world. Live a worthwhile life. Find peace.

And I know thinking about all this is pointless and counterproductive. The past is the past. What’s done is done. Those possibilities are simply not open to me anymore, however painful it may be to acknowledge it. The only […]

Much of the time, I find myself wondering if I should end it, before things have a chance to get really bad. Because things can get really bad. Burning alive, ending up horribly mutilated. Spending the rest of your life locked up, facing torture & violent assault, or permanent isolation. Disabled and in agony and unable to move. Things can apparently get really fucking bad.

Perhaps I’m just a coward, or I’m hyper-averse to negative experience. Maybe those are both the same thing. But over and again I come across experiences that make me wonder ‘Is continuing to live worth risking this?’ And the fear of […]

Every day is the same. I spin through the same cycle of emotions. I long not to feel so alone anymore. To have a partner, a wife. Someone I’d want to spend my days with. Someone better than me. Someone who understood. A connection.

The truth is, I don’t deserve it. Nobody could see who I really am and still want to be with me. At least not anyone that I’d want to be with. It’s hard to imagine a woman on my level, but I think they’d have to be highly deranged, as well as repulsive, to be desperate enough to want me. Possibly a […]

Life and me…we don’t mix well. And a large part of that is on me. I had to be the one with all this neurotic shit built into the very foundation of his mind. Everyone else seems to do just fine without thinking about it (though maybe some are in denial.) But I had to be the one to get all hung up on what cannot be. So I get to spend years torturing myself over this fucking dumb distortion. My mind is fucking broken, at the deepest emotional level. The thing that feels most meaningful in this world is something that cannot be. And […]

I keep asking myself over and over ‘why aren’t I ending it?’ And the only real answers I can seem to come up with are fear and attachment.

It’s hard to pinpoint what it is about death that scares me. Perhaps it’s the uncertainty. I tend to assume that death is the end – that when the brain dies, all experience ceases. But what if I’m wrong about that? What if consciousness can somehow continue beyond the physical? I fear that. I fear being trapped in a worse state of existence, with no ability to change things. I fear judgement. Being confronted with all the terrible […]