thehusk

Today I came across a dying rabbit while out walking. It had a deep wound at the back of it’s neck, presumably from where it had been bitten. My guess is that my approach had scared off whatever predator made the kill. It was just lying there, chest rising and falling as it breathed in and out, gazing up helplessly. I assume it was paralyzed. I’ve come across a fair number of animal corpses before, and live ones are everywhere this time of year, but I don’t think I’ve ever been that close to something that large while it was actually dying.

What struck me was […]

The thing about my mind is that it generates just enough of a sense of purpose to induce longing, anxiety, and restlessness, without providing enough hope to motivate consistent or effective action towards a goal. I’m basically telling myself over and over: ‘Here is this special, wonderful, totally meaningful thing, which is absolutely worth living for and pursuing. And it’s basically impossible for you to get anywhere close.’

It’s the f*cking conflict of it that I hate. Simultaneously believing that something is important and meaningful and yet also hopeless and pointless. If I could just consistently believe one thing, one way or the other, then I […]

Why not end myself? Fear, of making the wrong choice? Of letting go of delusional dreams of life. Of getting it wrong, and ending up brain-damaged. Of being trapped in some kind of existence beyond death, full of regret. Of changing my mind at the last second, when it’s too late to stop. Of giving up the possibilities of this world. Of facing judgement and punishment for how I’ve lived.

So I linger on. But I don’t know how to live with myself. My mind is an endless source of dissatisfaction, ever demanding the impossible.

Right now all I want is peace & love, but neither seem […]

I’m feeling so consumed by longing, regret, & despair. My mind keeps getting drawn back into the past, searching for the last time I felt close to someone. It’s a long way back, and even then it was more a long series of missed opportunities.

A girl who I haven’t even seen in 13 years, and who wouldn’t give me the time of day for a year or so before that. But for around four years, on and off, I really got the sense that she cared. She pursued me time and again, practically throwing herself at me on several occasions. Did everything she could to […]

I don’t know why I’m not ending it. Fear perhaps. Or laziness. Maybe things aren’t painful enough yet. If it gets really excruciating, I wonder if that will finally push me to do what I need to. Although by then it may be too late to secure a more peaceful end. Or perhaps even then I’d keep clinging to life, enduring any degradation to avoid having to make a decision. How bad would things need to get before I got the courage to end myself?

I believe that life may be worthwhile for some people, some of the time. But I am not one of those […]

I don’t think I have it in me to live a worthwhile life. To deal with the reality of my situation, or my experience of it. There just isn’t enough motivation in me. I’ve screwed things up to such an extent that it doesn’t seem worth salvaging.

It’s entirely possible that I could still get something from life, with enough hard work, dedication, and consistency. I’m not without resources – supportive family, savings, mostly physically healthy, some education. Someone else transported into my situation could probably make a go of it. If I woke tomorrow with a completely different mind, then who knows.

The problem is what’s […]

I keep thinking that I just want to stop. But clearly I don’t want it enough to overcome my fear of attempting. Or to let go of all the other crap that’s keeping me here. So I’m here, at least for the foreseeable future. I need to engage with reality, get my shit together, get out there. If I’m not going to end myself, then I have to find some way to actually live. I can’t be this hermit anymore – it’s not sustainable. I can recognize that, rationally.

But my emotions aren’t co-operating. All they want is to curl up in a ball and sleep. […]

When I think about ending my life, I always end up thinking of my parents finding out. Getting the call, having to identify the body etc. I don’t want to do that to them. They’ve done so much for me. The thought of leaving them in that situation, having to bury one of their children, and dealing with all that grief. I don’t see how I could do that to them. Maybe I’m wrong, and they’d do ok with it. But I can’t imagine that, knowing how much they care. I think it would utterly devastate them.

Perhaps I’m just not desperate enough yet, and there […]

I want not to feel this anymore. To not be this anymore. I want a new body, a new mind, a new past. Erase it all and replace it all with something semi-functional. Of course then it wouldn’t be ‘me’ in any real sense. The way that I experience the world, perceive things & react to them would have to be removed entirely. The genetic and social predispositions to anxiety would have to go. It would essentially be a completely different person. But despite recognizing that, the irrational longing to be free of myself persists.

God, to be someone else, somewhere else. Perhaps one of the […]

Living with myself is…tricky. Recognizing all of the ugliness within me doesn’t change it. I can rationally see the awfulness in me. But the unacceptable feelings remain. There’s still anger, hatred, and resentment without cause. I resent those who are better than me. I resent them for highlighting my dysfunction. I resent them for pursuing meaningful lives, in spite of their tribulations. I resent that I can’t be like them. I resent them for how well adjusted they are to this reality. I resent this reality for being as it is. For allowing me to be as I am, in all my wretchedness.

I have no […]

All these things I do to try and make myself forget. In attempts to drive it away. The knowledge that I will never be ok, ever again. The inability to accept what I know to be the case. It’s not tolerable. I don’t know how to live with it. How to live with myself, knowing what I do. I just want to stop. To cease to be. I just…can’t.

So drag in anything to take my mind off it. To blur the reality for a little while. Or pretend to myself it’s all ok. But it never lasts. The truth pokes through. And part of me […]

There are times when I desperately long to go back, and do it all differently. But suppose it really were possible to go back in time, and change the course of events. I feel like the only way to do it would require me travelling there, as I am now, and somehow influencing who I was then. Maybe some sort of mentor figure, intervening before it was too late. Training myself to endure in the face of hostility. To stay true to myself rather than letting fear control me. Not to cut myself off as a protection mechanism. To be open to life and it’s […]

I often doubt my feelings about this. I tell myself nostalgia must be distorting my memories. That no one’s ever really happy, right? But then I look at the photos of me back then. And me afterwards. And you can see the difference in my face. You can see the fear creeping into my smile. The doubt. The desperation. All is no longer well.

When I say happy, I don’t mean permanently blissful. I still got upset, and hurt, and bored. I still wanted things that I couldn’t have. I still cried when I cut myself, and got scared by the monsters under the bed.

What I […]

I told my therapist today that I’d lapsed again and was seriously thinking about quitting. I said I’d make a decision by the end of the week. I don’t know how to make that decision. I feel so incredibly conflicted.

At times the idea of stopping fills me with relief. I’ve spent the last 6 months trying to make a change, and failing. Or rather, trying to try. Because this huge part of me doesn’t want it to happen. It may even be the dominant part of me. The craving is so intense, and it just seems so essential. And repressing it completely saps my motivation. […]

I don’t want to change. I don’t want to get better. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life desperately clinging on to my self-control. I want to be free to be my same old self-indulgent shitty self.

But I’m terrified of letting go of the possibility of change. Because old me wasn’t happy. It desperately wanted things beyond it’s grasp. And I know it’s not going to end well. I’m going to end up homeless, and alone, or in jail, or worse.

But it feels like I’m always going to be alone either way. I’m always going to struggle to get by socially. I’m […]

I have so many conflicting desires, impulses, feelings, and perceptions. I can feel that something is the most wonderful and important thing in the world, and a few hours later it will seem terrible and utterly worthless. My motivations and emotions fluctuate so much from day to day. My perspective on reality swings back and forth at a terrifying rate. I don’t know how to live with it.

How do you act in a coherent way when you know that in a few hours your thinking will shift, and you will want to undo any progress that you’ve made? That your beliefs about what is important […]

On the one hand, I don’t think I want to change enough. Or at least not consistently enough to ever make progress. I feel like I’m pretending, going through the motions. Trying to convince my therapist (and myself) that I’m really trying. And at times I really do think that I’m trying. But it just feels so utterly hopeless, and pointless. And it’s such a relief to give up, every time.

I don’t know how to cope with the stuff in my head. So much fear and regret, shame and guilt, longing and desire, frustration and anger. The reality I perceive utterly terrifies me. And I […]

I don’t know how to let go of myself – all of the stupid things about me that cause needless suffering. A part of me keeps insisting that reality magically reshape itself to fit my will. And of course it won’t. Things will never be ideal. They will never fit with the ideas I have of what is acceptable. All you can do is reshape yourself to try to adjust to that reality.

But my ego is just too fucking stubborn. I don’t know how to exist without those preconceived ideas. It’s like trying to navigate without a map. Everything just seems empty and meaningless, and […]

I’ve never worked out how to cope with this feeling, beyond trying to numb it with more damaging behavior. I just feel so…bad, in a way I don’t know how to express. I don’t know if it’s even guilt or remorse. But whenever anyone’s kind or compassionate towards me, it just reinforces to me how utterly worthless I am. Because I don’t deserve any kindness or compassion. And they wouldn’t be saying those things if they knew the truth about me.

The truth is, I shouldn’t exist. I don’t even deserve a peaceful death. I deserve to suffer. I deserve to burn in hell. If anyone […]

I can’t really explain why, but my response to learning more about how the world & society operates was deciding I didn’t want to take part. Maybe it’s that I was too idealistic as a child, and too engaged in stories and fantasy. Maybe it was that I had a false sense of pride. Perhaps I had it too easy when I was young. But on encountering my own low status and the way I was perceived by others, my response was not to struggle to better myself. It was to opt out. And I’ve continued on with that all my life.

I don’t know if […]