Everytime I think I find some happiness in life it gets taken away from me. There are many examples in my life but the most recent case of that is with my fiancee. I knew she was different when she kissed me. I fell in love with her and despite my looks and mental problems she loved me. I recently found out she is talking to someone else (The person doesnt even want to be with her.). Once I confronted her she said she was confused. We agreed to be friends for now. All this has braught up bad memories of being unwanted. I dont […]
I feel ashamed writing this but at this point I feel that I have to come to someone or something. It’s been over a year I believe since my last post, since then I have lost 2 loves and my mom has recently been said to have breast cancer. She worries so much about me and not herself. She has been the only thing that has kept me alive. I simply couldn’t imagine leaving my mom with no one to take care of her. Â I feel that I’m worthless in this world. I have Asperger’s Autism which makes me kind of a recluse with people. […]
People have called me selfish for feeling suicidal but really I am far from it. I have just thought about it and when I die I would like my donate my body to help other people who need the help. I have done pretty pathetic things in my time in order to lets say “make up” for things I fail at in life. I sleep with a dumbell or my little dog in order to make up for that loneliness I feel in my heart. My dog though is one of the things that keeps me alive. To see her little tail wagging when she […]
Well it wasn’t until about a couple months ago that I found  out I had Asperger’s autism. In some ways it doesn’t bother me, in fact I like knowing so I can get help but on the other hand now that I know that changes some ways I see life. I was told that I might never be able to drive a car because of my lack of a sense of direction. Now I have always been afraid of the idea of me driving. To many risks. I know now that I can relearn things but even with years of therapy and being included in many social gathers […]
Today was my 1st day at school. It was ok at 1st but turned to hell. I realized something today. School is what depresses me. Â All these people but not even one person needs or cares about me. I feel like the only way to get peoples attention is with death. I always get memories of all the horrible things that have happened to me when I was with alot of people. No one has EVER had faith in me. No one cares. My death is the only thing people would care about. I win a trophy? Big deal. Someone can buy one online or […]
This is the question I ask myself everyday and honestly I don’t ever expect the answer. All my life people have had little faith in me. Telling me I will go to jail when I get older, saying I beat down a girl when I did not, and so much more. In fact I was accused of rapeing my  niece when I LOVE that girl and have told everyone that I always want to be there to protect her. If I raped her that would go against my word AND my morals.  People have told me numerous times I look like a pedophile and that I have […]
All my life all I have ever wanted to do was fit in and make friends but for some reason it just could never happen. I apparently scare people with my looks. I naturally look angry but anyone who talks to me more then 5 minutes knows that I am not angry. Lately I have been sad and angry. I got my 1st kiss a few days ago but it was nothing.  There is a girl who is like my cousin but she is not (Uncle married her mom, they got divorced.) and I made a bet with her.  I won the bet and she kissed […]
All that I ever was and still partially am is care. People say I am very caring and sweet. They say that I do things other guys never do. If I am so good then why do I feel so empty? Why do I long to feel that girl on my shoulder? Why do I long to do more?   But yet why do I feel myself losing care for all these questions to be answered? Is it possible that the pain has finally stopped, no it’s still there. The pain is trying to hide,looking for the right time to reappear. It is pretty bad nowadays when […]
People say if you kill yourself you will miss out on alot. Me all I have ever done is missed out on things. I missed out at socializing in a party cause I was to god damn scared, I missed out having a girlfriend all because I can’t read the signs, and I am missing out on seeing the life’s of 4/6 of my nieces and nephews whom I love dearly. All I am is just a zombie. Trying to make ends meat in this cruel world while struggling to know my difference with society and just waiting for someone or something to end it. I am […]
Most of my life I have not felt motivated to do anything by my family. My mom is the only one who shows some support but I find myself saying “Why can’t my other family members do that?” Now look I do know what self motivation is in fact I consider myself the master of it because if I wanted motivation I would have to give myself it. For awhile it seemed good for things to be like that. You know put myself through some stuff without any encouragement but after awhile I long for it. I don’t ask for much just a simple “You […]
So lonely but apparently having emotions is wrong is since I am a guy. It’s really just depressing how the world looks at my situation. Basically I’m a wuss for crying even though I have perfectly good reason to. Â Wanting to hug and kiss someone makes me needy although isn’t that one of the key thing man walks the Earth? To find love and acceptance? I was put in a crisis center aka mental hospital for people my age and you would think I would hate being there. If I can tell you this I love being in there. Sure the beds are hard to […]
All my life no one has really had high hopes for me. No one has ever motivated me into doing anything. Only my oldest sister has went to college and she still can’t find a job. My mom tells me there is no point in going to college in today’s time. Â Me I don’t care what my future holds. There is no future only a present. I get pissed off when I get treated like shit cause I have worked my ass off in school without ANY motivation to keep me going. I have done it all on my own. I decide always to work […]
Women seem not to like me. Middle school all the way to now they have tormented me. They make fun of the way I walk, the way I look and the way I socialize with others. Now I have been raised around women. My mom and 2 of my 3 sisters were in my life and from them I have learned alot. I respect women and I open doors for all of them. I ask them how they are doing and how they are feeling. No matter how nice I am I never get anything but tormenting in return. There is a girl that makes me […]
I know it will it is just the details I want to fill in. I see knifes and I get ideas. I see my moms diabetic medication and I get ideas. I go to school I walk upon the top of the staircase and I see the bottom and I  get ideas.  I today held a knife and pointed it to my chest. I know I’m not afraid of dying. I’m sick of being treated like shit. I am infected with the misery decease which was stung into my heart by the needle of destruction. I see my money and I see guns online and I […]
Me I will tell you in all honesty that I have serious anger problems and I am saddened  by it. I have always tried to keep my anger on the inside cause
I believe it would hurt more if I display it on the outside. Â I lately though have discovered that my anger has more control over me then I do. It’s
scary for me to type that but it’s true. I have only had one girlfriend and as of today I am stopping with any form of communication with her. I broke up with her because she wanted to choose between me and her ex who […]
That is all I truly am. I am the fat monster who knows no better. I see the mirror and I want to break it. The reflection is what makes me angry. To see my messed up face and my large body is to much to bare.  I have had food thrown at me like an animal and I have been put down by everyone. I try so hard to fit into this dark world but I can’t. I open the doors for the ladies as I hope their hope and any pain they may feel will go away. My mom is the only one who has […]