tphg

of the pain. I have to go, no question about that. I have to kill myself soon. I can’t live anymore. It hurts so much to think about the future, the absolute emptiness of it all. I want so much but I can’t have any of it so I’ve been trying to live without, trying to live a minmal life. I’m just an animal afterall and everything we have today is just extra fluff on top of the gift that is existence. Nothing says I have to have lots of cash, fast cars, faster women. What hurts is that I can’t even obtain the basics, […]

“i don’t know what i’m doing” i whisper to myself in a sing songy sort of way. I let myself get to this point of absolute discomfort; I know it’s up to me to dig myself out of this rut. It’s plain to see, the steps I need to take to get back to 0, back to neutral. I’m so deep in the negative, everyday I sink further, despair despair. I believe I can pull myself out though.

But then what? “hahahahahahahaha” he laughs maniacally to himself. I find a nice bachelor or 1 bedroom apartment and move in for jan 1st but then […]

family – intolerable; I’m changing my name and starting a new family line

friends – so close yet so far; I can be the best friend you ever had but I don’t see the point anymore as I don’t get anything out of camaraderie(besides cheap laughs). I know I’ll never be happy like my friends are and it puts a strain on relations. Listening to them complain about relationships and other aspects of human life that I have no access to leaves me feeling dead and angry inside.

co-workers – the only people I wear a mask around; I changed jobs, started the new one this week […]

I had a good two weeks; today(just now actually) that  drowning/suffocating feeling started creeping back. Back to the realization that I have nothing in this world to really hold onto, to tie me down. I feel like dying, like laying down.

I moved out of my dads buddies house and am pretty much homeless. My stuff is neatly stacked in my moms living room(4 boxes, crate of records) and I sleep on the couch. I say homeless cause my mom is my mom and if she weren’t my mom then I wouldn’t be the way that I am today. She’s volatile to be around (usually, I […]

Would you leave your life behind for some crazy, cult-like ranch?

I don’t know exactly what I’m running away from.. I don’t hate my life, my family, my friends.. it’s just, so much work for so little. It feels like life takes more of a mental toll on me then it does for most others, I think way too much about consequence&repercussions, “what if” scenerios/daydreams that border on hallucinations…

I think way too hard about what I’ve said and done, analyzing without my say so.. I can’t stop being me. My brain hurts, i’m so tired, I just want to lay down and sleep. There’s always an […]

I usually just rant on here to relieve the pressure in my brain that depression has me under but I need help now. I’m feeling pretty suicidal after coming to the conclusion that I could walk off a bridge or tall building relatively fear-free. Just a step and it’s over. I was googling flights out to san francisco this afternoon. It’s kinda funny(funny in a sick fucked up way) that the golden gate bridge is the most used suicide spot and yet they still haven’t erected some kind of suicide deterrent(that I know of). I could step off the subway platform one night but I […]

work
go home?..
home 1 – brampton – joelles house(dad’s best friend)
home 2 – toronto – moms house

home 1 is just a room; no access to kitchen, shower, or heat. Joelle offered me a home but neglected to tell that I’d practically be living homeless

home 2 is no room, but access to kitchen, shower etc. My mom has always been a carribean nazi though. It’s always been her house; nerver ours. Her way or the highway, despite the fact that I’d be the primary breadwinner(she works retail, i’m white collar).

I have privacy at Joelle’s to smoke. My mom doesn’t seem to mind my smoking […]

one of the few rhymes that I’ve wrritten that I think you SPers might enjoy

what would i be doing if i weren’t getting high?
i’d probably be dead, depression is so sly

think about it, an assassin in your mind
he creeps all about as he wants and divines

new ways to inflict mental torture
until the day that you decide that this is not what you signed up for

you didn’t sign, so you cut down the dotted line
yadda yadda yadda, friends and family found crying

at least no more days will be spent sighing
it’s off to nothing, brain is off, some peace and quiet

smoke on […]

I don’t have anything to offer the world so in my mind, I can’t have a woman. I’m consciously throwing my life away because of my philosophical principles. It’s like.. I’ve already started down this road of self destruction. I can’t take it all back and try again.

I mean, I could but I don’t want to. So much effort for nothing really; a permanent place in the friend zone is all anything ever amounts to. I don’t blame them for rejecting me; after all, I’m practically mute. The last time I asked out a girl, I did it via a hastily written letter that I […]

I wrote this email to a co-worker today:

“I’m going to die alone.

This is all that’s bothering me, it’s all that ever really bothers me. There aren’t any other people, that I know of, with the personality of a robotic alien for me to fraternize with. Every time I see other people, hear them conversing, laughing, and so on, I can see the differences between me and them. So in my mind, I don’t want to be around others, just alone in my cave, behind walls, because I feel safe and secure. But life without people is even more boring. So, I’m kind of not here […]

but lack appetite? Yea.. fuck depression

My depression is spilling over into my professional life. I just can’t summon the strength anymore to go on, let alone put in a full days work. I know I’m easily replaceable as I’m the bottom rung on the ladder. Soon as I fall, they’ll scrape me off the floor like roadkill and get a younger, less dreary person in here. It’s the natural order of things I guess. For those that don’t go psycho, there is the option of simply letting your life crumble around you. Up to this point, I’ve been trying frantically to keep going, working, socializing etc etc.

It’s a new level […]

my family and friends: I know they love and want the best for me. They all support me and try to cater to my bipolar insanity as much as they can. They’re always there for me when I need them. I have a great group of people at my disposal but the problem is me; I don’t care.

I think about myself laying lifeless after whatever suicide method I finally choose and it doesn’t bother to think of all the tears that’ll be shed or the hundreds of people that would go to my funeral.

I know I’m loved, I really do know. But I feel wrong, […]

I feel like(my motto for the last 2-3 years)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

it dawned on me just a minute ago that my state f perpetual exhaustion is directly tied to the mask of “sanity” that i wear(who’s to say what sane is?; the majority used to believe the world was flat). Everyday I wake, leave my room, and put on my mask. It’s so tiring, acting like everybody else, trying to feign interest in news stories, new gadgets, new flavors of gum.. new this new that; I find the human experience to be quite trite and wholly uninteresting. The best laugh I’ve had all week was from that video of the kid being run over by the […]

Just another day on planet Earth. I’m at work as usual, late this morning because I neglected to turn the ringer on for my alarm. Had to get my “roommate” to drive me to the GO station. He’s been on me recently about using the space heater to get my room toasty so I paid him $100 in utilities this morning. I’m going to use the heater again and he’s still going to give me guff and I’m going to want to move out.

I wish I had more of a backbone but I wasn’t raised that way. I’m paying him for the hydro that I’m […]

change 2 things about the world/people and let’s build our own utopia. add and subtract something, then repost the list

+eviromentalism
-racism

Does anybody else read the lyrics that are posted here? I angrily scroll past them because they take up so much space.