tphg

I’ve been sick all day, the usual digestive issues(I get bad IBS symptoms). Even focusing on getting better depresses me because I know that deep down, I don’t want to get better. That kind of thinking just makes me feel worse and worse until I spiral out of control and do something foolish like pray to god for mercy or something.

The last few times I’ve come here to vent or just read comments, I’ve felt my sadness slwly start to lift. I don’t think I’m hopeless; I can be happy. I just feel so opposite to everyone around me. No one seems to care about anything […]

“I’m a sociopath….there’s not much he can do for me.” – Dexter tv series

This is what’s really been bugging me for the last year or so(i dunno, time is funny when you’re on drugs). I’m a sociopath/psychopath of some kind and coming to this realization has made it really hard to live the way I used to.

It seems like, now, I spend every minute of every day depressed because I know what I am and it saddens me to know I’ll never have the normal life I want. I always figured that I’d grow out of this, whatever it was but now…

“There currently is no […]

I don’t want anything out of life besides its end. Not just my own end, but the end of everything. Where can I meet someone as filled with misanthropy as I am, someone who gets off on the atrocities that fill the headlines of newspapers worldwide? Homicide, suicide, genocide… where are you my morning star, my villainous vixen? I can’t do anything without you. I can’t take over the world without your existence.

I keep pushing forward in my life but I always find myself back at the point of not caring.

I’m moving this weekend to a house with people I don’t know. It’s a friend of my father that’s going to let me stay in his spare room, rent free, indefinitely.

I told my father a month or so ago about what was bothering me, but really I was just ranting about things out of my control (goverments, society, god etc). He thinks I’m ready to top myself off which just isn’t the case (I’m just severely depressed, chronic). So he’s set up this whole thing […]

I don’t wanna live, but I don’t want to die. I had a dream last night, a man offered to do a double suicide with me; he takes my life and I take his. But I ran, I thought of the pain and ran. Granted, his offer was swords through the gut but it still makes me think that I don’t actually want to die.

I don’t want to live though either. I don’t want a life to distract from.. I don’t know what. I purposefully shun others because I don’t want to be bothered with other, more exciting lives. What most people consider winning(cash, cars, […]

yeah, I don’t think I’ll be slitting my wrists anytime soon. The depression is there but I’m a wuss.

I don’t believe in you; you know this. But I can; you know this as well. I know that you know that I’ve been rolling with the devil and in general, have just been a real suck. I know I can do though if you just give me something. Give me something to believe in. The devil tells me to look in the mirror and believe in myself but I can’t, I just can’t.

I can be better than all of the mungkhees in the world combined but I need help. I need something that’s just for me, to let me know I’m alive and breathing; […]

I spent my lunch hour sitting in the food court trying to write some stupid rhymes. By the end of my time, I’d scrawled some BS about terrorism and self loathing and it’s along the lines of what I usually write about but wtf man? What the hell am I doing with myself? Why am I wasting my time writing stupid rhymes that nobody but me cares about? I’m not the velvet underground; no one is going to love my shit after the fact. I’m so stupid; I focus on the wrong things, keep doing the wrong things. I want to scream and rage and destroy […]

I decided this morning to sober up after 2 years of living in a perpetual fog. The main reason is because I’m still so high functioning, maintaining a steady job and paying bills, and I’m tired of being so sluggish. I wish I could just cut back but I’ve got an addictive personality (i’m still trying to kick my candy and chocolate habits). Other than the responsibilities of my human life though, I have no reason to be sober.

I can clean myself up, do a bit of therapy and get back to where I was before I let my depression take over. I’ll still have […]

have I finally found a name for my problem? I thought it was schizophrenia but I was wrong. Nothings wrong, I just.. I hesitate to say can’t because it’s obvious I can,.. I won’t speak. I started reading about selective mutism and it made me cry for the first time in a year. I’ve always thought that my issues with anxiety were small to begin with and only grew because of my abusive upbringing, and later on, drug abuse. It seems I was born with the seed of depression and I was in the correct environment for it to grow and blossom.

But,  I wasn’t depressed […]

I’m not so sure anything is wrong with me other than my almost complete disconnect from other walking/talking human beings. I go to work everyday and spend the weekends with my younger brother, mentoring him and just giving him my time. That’s all I do though.

I practically run home after work and shut myself away until I slip into a drug induced haze. I just can’t be who I was anymore, that support character that everyone seems to love so much. Giving my thoughts, insight, advice etc. I only seem to exist to help, I’m a bastard after all. I don’t have any grand purpose, […]