Unlike most kids, some nursery rhymes haunted me. One of those is Row Your Boat. It’s almost like… I don’t know. It’s almost like it’s about a depressed person, just going through life, feeling like it’s just a dream. That’s definitely how it feels now to me. Every second is just a dream. I’ll probably wake up soon, and I’ll be 8 again. My grandpa won’t die, and life will be perfect. Trevor will never have existed. Lacey won’t die. Nana won’t hate me. My mom will be proud of me. Maybe I can do something. But then again, I don’t want this to be […]
I’m tired of trying to be like I was before; happy, etc. I just want to take a break for a little while. I’m not going to cut, or at least I’ll try not to, but I’m not going to really be happy either. I think that Trevor doesn’t like me. I’m not using any buts this time. No hope for it. I’m done with him. For real. No crawling back. Thinking back on it, he’s probably at least 25% of why I was so unhappy before. I just don’t care about him. I mean, I don’t even want to think about him. Or any […]
I wish my parents were different. I’m sick of never doing anything right. Oh well, I guess. But I realized something. I don’t want to ever marry a guy. I’m afraid that he would treat my kids the same way that my dad treats me. I won’t let that happen. I don’t want any little girl to go through anything like I have. Or any little boy, for that matter. Seriously. As much as it hurts me, I don’t want anyone else to go through it. So I’ll live alone. I’ll do whatever I want, and have no one else to judge me. That’s another […]
I seriously hate goodbyes. All they ever do is make people cry. One thing I love, though, is Black Veil Brides. So, I was sick and bored, so I watched an interview of Andy Biersack. He said a lot of stuff about bullying, and it made me feel a lot better. So, yeah, Garrett’s gone. He moved last week. I guess it’s okay. I miss him, though. He was a good friend. A lot of my friends kept saying that he was a jerk and stuff, but I told them to shut up. Man, I’m sick of going up and down. I mean, people tell […]
I think it’s time for me to go. I’m still fucked up, if not more fucked up than when I first came here. Trevor loves Kendall, and I think it’s time for me to realize it. Yeah, he flirts with me, but he flirts with pretty much every girl; he’s a flirty person. He doesn’t like me. My grandma isn’t going to get better. Lacey and Papa aren’t going to come back. My parents love my little sister more than they love me. I can’t make them happy. I take all Pre-AP courses offered, I quit cutting, I’ve never had detention, I’ve kept all A’s, […]
Why is it that every time I start to care, something happens? Garrett freaking moved. Trevor has a girlfriend. Tennyson has a girlfriend. Emily likes Jacob. Bailey likes Brendan. I’m about to give up. I mean, don’t you think that something’s wrong when a sweet guy, named Paul, who’s.. special, if you get what I mean, goes to sit by you, then looks at you and says “I don’t wanna sit by that,” laughs, and walks away. Shouldn’t something be wrong if a guy that has barely had a girlfriend thinks that you’re nasty? I mean, what could be wrong with me? I haven’t… I’ve never […]
I thought that having a crush was normal. It is, but it’s not when that person is all that you think about. You dream about them. You daydream constantly about them saying that they like you the same way you like them. These things aren’t normal. I think I’m just fucking going insane. Trevor is honestly the only thing I can think about. He’s my safe haven, in a way. I focus on him instead of focusing on how much pain I’m in. I guess it might be normal, but it doesn’t feel that way. I don’t want to go crazy. I don’t want to […]
It’s just… It’s impossible to hold on to anything right now. Everything seems like it’s slipping away. I want Garrett to come back. I miss him already. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I literally feel like I’m going crazy. I watch things on ID and think, “Am I going to be one of those people?” I watched part of The Ward earlier, and it scares me. It scares me that I feel like I’m going crazy, and that I might be subjected to that. I can almost feel my mind slipping away. I felt like this before, too. I felt like this when […]
Garrett’s moving. I’m never going to see him again. It just makes me want to tell him how I feel… But I just can’t. I won’t be hurt again. I refuse. I deserve better. I fucking deserve better than what I’ve got. I deserve happiness. I deserve love. Â Or maybe I don’t. I mean, how much can be taken away before I have nothing? I feel like I’m completely gone already. I feel like my heart’s been cut out. Ripped out, more like. I just want Garrett… I really do. But he’s gone. Today was his last day. I should have told him. But I […]
I began to write a diary today. It had everything in it. And, um, Garrett read it. He took it from me. I didn’t just let it go willingly. I fought until the end. I was about to cry, but then he was so sweet. He looked up at me, kinda smiled, and then he asked me if Mr. Harvey could read it. (Mr. Harvey is the teacher that I had that period) He said, “It’s really good. You should let him read it.” I almost cried again because of how sweet he was. But he’s moving… Why? He read everything. He freaking knows how I […]
It’s true. I love Trevor. Ya know, when I was little, and I watched TV shows, I always saw the girls freaking out over the guys. They would always say, “I love the way he says my name…”. I thought they were crazy. But then I found something out. They’re not. I had an after school rehearsal today. I sat by Trevor. He said my name every time he talked to me. And I love the way he says it. Oh my gosh, he said, “Courtney, he’s talking about measure blah blah blah,” and I said, ” I think it’s measure blah blah blah”. A […]
What’s it worth if I can’t get anything that I want? Even if I go for it, I don’t fucking get it. What do I care anymore? I mean, does it even matter? Another lost soul in the world. Woohoo. Yay. One more person who can’t take life. One more person too weak to face the pain. Hmph. I mean, does anybody care, anyway? The people I love most… I don’t know if they love me back. I know Trevor doesn’t. I know Garrett doesn’t. I know that they all want skinny girls that don’t have problems. They want girls that conform to the world, […]
Yeah, I’ve been making them all the time. But now, I’ve made another one. This is about the guys I like. (Yeah, I have to focus on that to get through). Anyway, I’m gonna make a list of the guys I like, and then what I like about them. Mkay? If you don’t want to read the whole list, you can skip to the bottom for my ultimate decision on whom I like the best.
Okay. Here we go.
Trevor- Pros: Hair, eyes, taller than me, plays trumpet, gentleman, playful, cologne is addictive, southern, his voice, smile, hilarious, sweet, adorable, plays video games,
Cons: Flirty, slightly […]
I decided that I like Trevor. But then, last night, I had a dream. A dream that Dawson was in. Dawson is one of my best friends. He’s also a guy. And I think I like him… But I don’t know. It’d be a little bit weird because he’s shorter than I am… And yet he’s older than me…. And every time I think about it, I feel like I would be dating my brother if I dated him. Okay, so I’m going to make a complete list of the guys that I like or have ever liked this year. (Prepare for a lot. I […]
I don’t know how to tell if a guy likes me. (Pathetic, I suppose). I know that I probably don’t deserve to be on here. This is for people who are having problems. I’ll admit, I have problems. I do want to cut again. I want to cry. I can’t let myself have happiness. Wow. I had it for a day! A whole day. Actually, no, it stopped. Maybe 6 hours, I had that happiness. I guess that’s cool. I mean, what am I? I’m a monster. I don’t deserve to live. Everything is my fault. I could have stopped everything that’s happened in my […]
I was happy. I really was. But now I’m starting to feel bad again. It didn’t take long. It’s like I want to cry, like my body misses being sad. Maybe I’m just scared. I am scared. Any person would be a little scared, right? But I’m not a little scared. I’m really scared. I’m scared that something’s gonna happen again, and it’s all gonna come crashing down. I mean, maybe I should give up on him. What do you think? I’ll give you a list of why I think I should, and why I think I shouldn’t.
Why I should
He keeps staring at me
I really […]
I’m scared about seeing him again. I know that I sound like a freaky obsessed chick, but I’m not. I’m just an.. overly shy chick that ends up acting like an idiot around her crush. I want to enter the talent show, though. I want to do something to stand out. But I don’t know what to sing. I kinda wanna sing a cute, but cheesy song about having a major crush. Oh my God. I’m acting like a normal girl. Wtf?? When did this happen? Oh well. It’s nice to be happy. Ya know, I kinda want to sing If You Don’t Mind by […]
Of course, I want to like Trevor. But there’s always something in the back of my mind that says I shouldn’t. Oh well. Said voice can find a new hobby. I mean, I’ve realized that Trevor is pretty awesome. But if he doesn’t like me, then good for him. I’m not saying that I’ll be completely mad and thinking that I’m better than him, ’cause I’m not. All humans are equal, except in their acts. I mean, you can’t say that you’re equal to Hitler in acts unless you did the same things he did. But Trevor hasn’t done anything bad that I know of, […]
I want to look nice–really nice on Monday. Maybe not, like, wear a dress, ’cause it’s way too cold. But I still want to be noticed. I’m hoping that I’ll have Health next week, instead of P.E. If I do, then I can dress up easily. Â But my friend just text me saying that we don’t, so I guess I’ll just have to improvise. I don’t want to wear makeup, or if I do, not very much. Any ways to impress a guy with the way you look (Without looking like a slut) I just like to see the look on people’s faces when I […]
I know I already did, but this time, I’ll do it in songs! How fun! Hahaha. Anyways, we’ll start from when my grandpa died, and my dad almost died: Hello by Evanescence. I can’t explain how it relates, but that’s what I always listen to. Next up, when my dog died. My Last Breath by Evanescence. Again, the events of her death really go along with the song. After she died, I found a song that I would sing when I missed her. It’s: Goodbye My Friend by Linda Ronstadt. Then, my grandma went insane and hates me. For this, I kinda think of Imaginary […]
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