velveteennightingale

I trusted you.  I told you things I didn’t tell anyone else.  You played with how I felt about you.  And now I feel more alone than ever.

It is the eve of a loved one’s birthday who passed away years and years ago, and it still brings up the dark feelings of powerlessness and abandonment that I have felt my entire life.  Years and years later, I still feel the pain of people in my life leaving me.  And the one person who makes me feel okay, who makes me believe that some people can stay, I can no longer confide in because…here’s the truth…I […]

I’m crumbling. I recently came out to a few people as queer and now I feel like I’m lying to everyone else. The person that I like told me they don’t like me back but still want to be friends and I honestly don’t know what to do because they’re the only person I really trust right now but I need boundaries to move on. I can’t tell anyone anything going on right now so I feel trapped and suffocated. I feel devastated because I’m never someone’s first choice in life. Like besides immediate family, friends never rank me as number one and everyone throughout […]

I need input about telling loved ones about self-harm/self-harm scars.  Did it generally make you feel better/worse?  Keeping it a secret for literally 8 years or so has been so toxic but I also feel so, so scared to share it.  And keeping it secret has stopped me from being in a relationship because I don’t want to be seen as crazy or unstable or have someone stop being attracted to me once they see the scars.  Also, I wanted to wait to share it with family until I could say it was long behind me but since I’ve had some recent relapses, I can’t […]

This sounds so stupid but a couple of weeks ago, I was bitten by a dog and it’s really affecting me.  Quarantine has been hard for me because it has exacerbated my feelings of loneliness and compulsions to self-harm and my one comfort was taking time for myself to go for walks.  Ever since the dog bite, however, I jump at every little thing when I go for a walk and can’t relax.  I can barely go for walks.  I have to massively avoid areas where I think I’ll encounter dogs.  I sit outside and jump when I hear a dog barking.  I used to […]

I feel like this year has broken me. First there was the suicide that I had mentioned earlier. Now, due to the coronavirus pandemic, school is cancelled and I’m certain I’ll never see my friends again who are seniors because I have no money to see them except when they are at school. I’ve sunken into a deep depression and just lay down crying and staring at the ceiling while staying home and cannot resist the urge to cut. I don’t want to self harm but I am so sick of people leaving in my life without me having a chance to say goodbye. So […]

Someone at my school who I didn’t even know committed suicide and I didn’t think it would affect me but it is. It’s just dredging up feelings and thoughts that I’ve had personally and the person just reminds me of me which sounds attention-seeking I know.  Anyway it’s weird because it’s really put a pall over my day and I can’t stop thinking about it even though other people have moved on and I don’t know how.

I think I am bisexual, but I am not sure I am biromantic. I can’t see myself ending up with a girl for my entire life, but there was this one girl who I knew throughout high school that I’m coming to terms with liking. Is it normal to be bisexual but not want anyone you know to know? Like I’m not ashamed of it; I just don’t want anyone to treat me differently. Same reason I never told anyone about self harming.

How do you know if you’re bisexual?

Nobody believes in me where I am and I have no friends.  People run into me and shove past me; I haven’t been invited to a single social gathering/event/party.  I AM COMPLETELY FUCKING INVISIBLE and my anxiety is getting worse and worse.  I hate this fucking school, I hate everybody around me, and I hate myself.  I have so much pent up anger and sadness right now and I know now that it is never ever going to get better.  Nobody will ever believe in me or love me.  I’m so fucked up.  How am I supposed to live like this?  How am I supposed […]

Do you ever not know who is trustworthy and then you think, “Am I even trustworthy?”  I just don’t know who to believe anymore, and I don’t know who is a “good” or trustworthy person.

If you look in the mirror and don’t see a single thing worthy of being loved, why would anyone else love you?

Why am I so terrified of intimacy (besides the obvious reasons like the 100s of scars on my thighs)?  Does anyone else have to get drunk to be able to be close to someone else?

I thought maybe I was cured.  Yes, I had lapses of joy and life and days that endlessly sucked, but I thought maybe the worst was behind me.  I started to refer to myself (in secret) as someone who used to cut, who used to be depressed. I started to become comfortable with my body at the place I dance, even exposing my hundreds of scars. But then the dance year ended and everything hit me in an inescapable wave again. I am tired of fucking change. The people I trust, the ways I have grown in the dance place, all of that is gone […]

Hi, everyone.  I haven’t written in a very long time.  Time to make a decision for my life, but nothing worked out the way I wanted it to.  The school I’ve wanted to go to for years rejected me, and now I’m stuck because my parents want me to go to this one school but I won’t be able to study dance there which is the only thing that has staved off my depression.  But the only place I got accepted where I can study dance you have to audition for and I missed the deadline so I’d have to wait a year and what […]

I’m behind in school because I literally cannot concentrate on anything. I’ve tried telling my parents for the last two years and it’s always “drink water and eat something” but it never works! I literally haven’t read a single book in a year. Does anyone have tips to be able to concentrate better? Also I got stabbing pains in my chest and stomach last night and was woozy because it hurt so much and I got panicked that I was having a heart attack any idea what this is? Could that be anxiety? Does anyone else get that?

This sounds really trite and stupid but nobody I know wanted to do something together today for Halloween. I was depressed today and spent the day in bed and then was hoping somebody would make my day better…My family usually does something fun for Halloween but we didn’t. I guess because it’s just me and not my siblings this year. I just feel really unwanted right now like I’m not good enough on my own to spend time with or do something for. Also because I have to initiate contact for anyone to talk to me and sometimes they don’t respond…just feeling really sad rn

So panicked lately. Is it bad that the only way I don’t feel panicked is massive denial? I find myself pushing everything away and pretending it doesn’t exist because the minute I let my mind wander I start to shut down and spiral into insanity. I won’t think about my depression. I won’t think about talking to my parents about deferring acceptances to college and if they’ll hate me because of it or it won’t work out. I refuse to think about the fact that I can’t feel anything and when I can feel something it’s a gaping hole and sense of dread in my […]

So depressed right now I can’t even sit up. I’m been eating very little each day-my dad yelled at me yesterday because of it-because I have no appetite. I’ll start eating something and get nauseous or not have the energy to finish it. I had nightmares last night that I went to college and was completely lost and miserable and needed to kill myself. I’ve made friends at my dance place but they haven’t exchanged numbers or asked to hang out outside of dance-does that mean they don’t really like me?

I’m applying to colleges but I’m having a dilemma because I’m only 16 and I don’t feel ready for college and I now have my dance community and this is the first place that I’ve ever belonged and I don’t want to have to say goodbye just yet and wish I had another year to improve my dancing. But I probably can’t take a gap year because I feel so much pressure because I’m the “smartest” and most “mature” and my family expects me to be like that and taking a gap year can hurt your financial aid I think…Somebody help please! This is plaguing […]

I was kicked out of one of my dance classes because I didn’t finish the combination across the floor and was then snippy with the teacher because I was on the verge of crying and hyperventilating and refused to finish it. I then went to the bathroom and ended up crying and hyperventilating. God!!! What the FUCK is wrong with me? How will I ever be able to show my face there again? I love that teacher and now she hates me because she doesn’t get why I was like that. Just another person on the long list that I’m a massive disapppointment to, I […]