I’m thinking of plunging a knife in my gut or throat. I’m thinking of hanging myself. Overdosing. But pills just never work. Tried that already. I just want to die.
Someone please talk to me…
I have it real bad. The medication is not doing a thing.
Everyone is sleeping. The ward is dead quiet, with the occasional snoring and farting from the old ladies.
I’m still up. I doubt I’ll sleep. I guess this will have be a night spent on SP and pretending to study on the side.
Why am I so honest with my psychiatrist?
I tell the truth most of the time. They ask about suicidality, and I tell the truth. I don’t want to be here anymore.
They ask about homicidal thoughts, I say yes. Forgive me but there are people I so want to kill… Slowly. Painfully. Enjoy hearing them scream in agony. Enjoy watching them suffer. I want to look deep into their eyes as the light fades from them and they suck in their last breath. I hate them that much.
I always have a smile on my face. I’m like Ted Bundy. The charming psychopath. I told the doctor […]
Is there anyone who can keep me company?
I’m at the hospital following a failed attempt with nothing to do. I’m bored stiff.
So, Friday I had a very embarrassing panic attack at the hospital. I fainted and was taked to the ER. I was discharged same day.
I couldn’t handle the pain anymore, so yesterday I took a bunch of my sleeping tablets and antidepressants. I woke up in hospital today. I’m on a hospital bed even now as I’m writing this, await a consultation with a psychiatrist.
I’m fucked. Why didn’t I just die?
A broken soul
An empty shell
A monster
I tried to protect my heart.
I tried to shelter it
But now, it yearns for someone to break down the walls I built around it. It wants someone look past all the darkness and love. Someone to love me for me. I’m a fucked up mess. I want someone to care about me. I’m tired of pretending.
But then again, no one can ever love a monster. I don’t deserve it.
Even with medication I still can’t fucking sleep. What the hell?! My doctor keeps changing my medication, uping the dose and whatever… But I can’t fucking sleep!!
I just took my pills. I feel sleepy. I’m in bed. But sleep won’t come. What the fuck?!
I don’t think the medication is helping me at all. Nothing is helping me. Therapy sucks balls. My turn to friend won’t talk to me anymore. I’m in deep shit. I feel like shit.
I’m thinking of making an attempt. My doctor is giving me TCAs. It might just work. I need more of them though. I doubt the dose I have is […]
Is this thing I’m living even worth calling a life?
Where the fuck is this thing going?
Where do I see myself 10 years?
I see myself a depressed fucked up doctor slaving it out for my family that I love so very much, and still floating around in this world not even connected with my own body, just to keep them happy.
When the fuck am I going to do something for me?
What do I want for me?
I WANT TO DIE!!
That’s what I want for myself. I don’t want this thing called life anymore. It serves no purpose for me. I find no joy whatsoever in being alive. […]
I’m crashing…
I knew this would happen. The whole week I’ve been too busy, my mind too preoccupied with school work to dwell on the pain. Now, it’s the weekend and I have all the time in the world to feel the pain. I feel like the walls are caving in on me. I hate this feeling. I thought I was starting to get over it, but I’m far from being cured from this. This is who I am. An empty shell. An empty void. I’m just empty. Nothing. I feel absolutely nothing. There is no need for pretense when I’m alone. There is no need […]
It’s morning this side and I’m on my way to the hospital. I haven’t been on here for a while now. I missed you guys.
Anyway, thought I’d share something that happened to me last Saturday.
My parents organized for our church members to come to my house and pray for me. My entire family knows about my condition now and they are very supportive. Anyway, so these guys were praying. In that moment, I had flashes of my brother and the people who killed them who were also proclaimed christians. I guess this fucked up my head a little and I had a panic attack. Church […]
I want to cut!!!
BUT NOT TONIGHT….
Everything about me is one big fat motherfucking LIE!
My smile…. Fake as Fuck.
My conversation with people… Lies
Conversation with my family… Lies
I’M DYING people! I’m really dying.
I secretly cry in my room, wipe away my tears and have supper with my family like nothing happened.
My frown immediately turns upside down if someone asks if I’m okay.
I’m tired. I’m tired of faking. I’m tired of crying in silence. I’m just tired of everything. I’m tired of life.
I don’t want to be here anymore. But I can’t go just yet. I keep saying this over and over again. I keep repeating myself over and over again. […]
I can’t take the pain anymore. Can my heart just stop beating already! I want to die… NOW!!!
I fucked up really bad. I messed up my presentation. I had a panic attack in class. It was so embarrassing.
I had to leave school early. I was sent home so I can pull myself together. I have an exam tomorrow. I don’t know how I’ll make it through that.
When I got home to tell my parents I had a terrible day, that I couldn’t concentrate in class, my father threw a fit.
He told me, I don’t have the right to feel terrible. All of the problems in my family are because of me. I don’t have the right to say things are hard for […]
Braai days are usually a family thing for us. They have been for a very long time. Actually, Fridays were always braai days at home. It’s been a while though since we’ve had a braai day.
Family and friends are all gathered up. I’m cooked up in my room as usual, making ocassional appearances to those who want to see me, then going back to my dark hole. I have an excuse. School. They are not questioning it.
Just remembered a braai day we had in December. I was depressed as fuck. I had an outburst and told my family I’m going to die. Ma was devastated. […]
I hate how in every lecture or tutorial or every other patient I interview in this rotation, I feel like I am seeing me all the time.
Are you a victim or a survivor?
A question a psychiatrist asked in a PTSD lecture. Are you talking to me?
If you really want to die, take TCAs. Another thing a psychiatrist said in a lecture on psychopharmacology. Jeez people, stop giving me ideas.
Another psychiatrist said, in a depressed patient, the moment you hear hopelessness and worthlessness, suicide risk bells should ring. Shut up already.
Borderline personality disorder. They cut to feel something other than the emptiness. The pain is […]
My cuts say just how much I despise myself. I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. I see a monster. A fragment and shadow of a person I used to be. Was I ever alive? I definitely don’t feel alive. I constantly need something to remind me that I’m alive.
I don’t know why my heart is still beating. It should have stopped a long time ago. I just keep postponing the inevitable. I will die anyway. We all will. So, why don’t I just end it now? I want it to end now. End it now before it gets broken and hurt […]
It won’t leave my head. Maybe writing it on here will give me a bit of a rest.
Before my neighbours eventually managed to finally kill my brother, they had been trying for a few year.
In 2013, after yet another harassment from them when I was coming back from school, my mother told my brother about it. Of course, it pissed him off. He decided to confront them and ask them exactly what they wanted from me.
I was not home that day. When I got back, things were upside down, and there was so much blood. My parents were not at home. They had taken my […]
So, I went to see a doctor. Basically to just confirm what I already know. Major depression, anxiety disorder and PTSD. I told him I think I might have a personality disorder too, something along the lines of Borderline Personality Disorder, Schizoid Personality Disorder, or Avoidant Personality Disorder. I know I might be going overboard here, but I feel like I fit the criteria perfectly, for both BPD and SPD, actually. He said he’ll look into it with our upcoming consultations.
I always look at the criteria for all these personality disorders and think, “Fuck! This is so me.” Not that my personality traits cause any […]
I made a friend in the last few weeks here on SP. A friendship forged out of mutual understanding of emotional turmoil.
The last time I talked to him, he was going through a very rough patch. He couldn’t deal with his pain and was on the verge of ending it. In fact, he had tried to make an attempt, but somehow couldn’t go through with it. I tried to talk him out of it. I doubt it worked.
I haven’t heard from him in over a week, and I’m really worried. I think I failed him.
King, if you are still out there, roaming the streets of […]