Its what I want to do. I feel like its what I have to do and what I need to do. But, is it what I should do?
I feel trapped.
I just want to let go.
Maybe it would be best if I didn’t.
I am trapped.
I want to do it.
I am so ready, so prepared.
Death seems appealing to me, in a way that I don’t think anyone or anything would be able to change my mind at this point.
It would be so easy, so quick and then everything will be okay. No more rejection. No more hurt. No more tears. No more anything. Maybe, even peace.
But its the fear. Fear of survival. Fear of being in a far worse place.
I can’t go on like this. Everyday just the same damn pain as before. I know, no one I know would even try to understand how horrible I feel. So, I also don’t want to bother them with something, they don’t care for anyway. Everyday I fake a smile. Going to breakfast smiling my faked smile. Being around my “friends”, going somewhere, smiling my faked smile. But it gets more and more out of control. When no one talks to me I just can’t keep it up anymore. People always knew me as the blissful one, well nevertheless that did never change the fact that […]
I need to tell my story.
I am in my 25th year. I have been a great performer all my life. I was always in the top 5 throughout my school. Topper of my college for three straight years during graduation. I stood at third place in the university during the final year of my graduation. I thought of being a person who would bring a change in this world. I thought of being someone of importance. And then I went for my post graduation. And then everything changed.
I could not understand programming. I was good in arts though. I would write poems, was an amateur […]
I can’t fucking stand it here. I hate this place. I love my field of work, but I hate the people and this entire work environment. I’m tired of being yelled at, especially for things that shouldn’t be my fault. I do what I’m told, so if I fail it’s because you didn’t tell me thoroughly what needs done. You can’t give me half of an assignment and expect me to know how to finish it correctly. But apparently that makes me a bad worker because I can’t read people’s minds or go back twenty years and learn how you guys do things here.
I don’t […]
I’m a below average statured man, yet i htink my looks may be not that bad. at a certain point in my life i began that noticing sometimes in public setting women would notice me.
Like this morning i went for lunch with my parents at a fine restaurent when then this gorgeous girl walked in with (i think) her Grandparents and they sat in a table next to us and it happened she noticed me.
Maby its the reason i’m feeling so bad today knowing that i’m a socially awkward fuck, that i dont have the guts and even if i had no woman whats to […]
I don’t really want to kill myself, I just want the pain to end. The fact that I haven’t done it already also makes me feel like I’m a weak person. What an oxymoron, how can I be weak when I’ve been strong enough to get though almost 30 years of suffering with depression. Sometimes the sadness and anger feels unbearable. I have no one to talk because no one in my life understands or really wants to. Because of my depression and mental illness, I was not always a good mom. Now that they are grown, they do things to push my buttons and […]
Usualy people dread mondays, something i’ve always found dificult to grasp as my least favourite day of the week has always been Sunday, specially since my depression and suicidal thoughts began, specially now during the winter. when the cold and cloudy days take their toll.
And here i am again in the living room thinking about killing myself, and as opposed to perhaps all of you wishing for Monday to kick in.
Words can never fully describe how emotionally bent I am. Seriously. Im at my wits end. My parents disapproval of me being gay, my physical ailment. My constant mental battle of staying alive is no longer pulling in my favor. Its stressful, I feel weak. Unworthy. Drained. I give up…
Usually I can’t cry. Today I managed to a couple of times. Once was when I tried to write a short message to someone. I couldn’t understand the words well enough to construct a short sentence. I couldn’t write, I couldn’t speak to them. I cried because I’d lost so much. The tears were loud and I was sensitive to noises today, so it sounded like screams ringing in my ears. I lay with my hands clamped against my mouth to stop myself screaming from the pain of the noise and depression. I lay for a long time. After an hour or two I fell […]
I’m brand new to this site, but I figured someone would be able to give me some advice. I don’t know what to do. I feel helpless and hopeless to this depression, this feeling. I’ve had depression for years, it feels like most of my life. It gets better, it gets worse. But recently my grandfather passed away, and I’m not coping well with it. It’s been hard to sleep or interact. I’ve been irritable and volatile, and I feel like a lot of the people in my life are getting sick of my mood swings. I don’t feel like I have anyone, but even […]
I’m tired – I don’t mean I want to go to sleep, I mean I’m tired of life.
I’m bored – I don’t mean that I’m bored of what we are doing right now, I mean I’m bored of everything and everyone in my life.
I want to leave – I don’t mean I want to leave the place we are in at this moment, I mean I want to leave my life and disappear.
I hate this – Not the thing that is currently going on, I mean fucking life.
24 years old female. My life has two parts: Happy with obstacles for 14 years and been miserable for the other ten years.
Before you read, please don’t forget that my experiences that I’m going to write, happened when I was a child and in my teens. So evaluate them according to my age that time.
Happy with obstacles happenings:
* At the age 4, my parents divorced. I’m with my mom since then..
* My father was away in another city but we adored each other so much and he was proud with all the qualities I have. We spent the summer holiday and semesters together. […]
Last night after work, I washed dishes AND I made supper for me and my boyfriend.
Many of you guys understand with depression it’s hard to get yourself to do anything. It’s hard to become motivated or even get out of bed. And it’s really been bad for me lately. I usually put all my energy and motivation into going to work, and even then I miss a day every other week. So it’s hard to come home from work and do anything that needs done. I usually just want to go to bed when I get home.
I know I haven’t accomplished much, but for me […]
For those of you who don’t know me – Hi, I’m dawg. As I do from time to time I pop in and out of the SP world – for no particular reason other than I try to keep up with the many many great people who I’ve met with here in the SP world … again, for those of you who don’t know me, I’m old … much older than most who participate here – I point this out because I have a hard time remembering all the names, so I’m not going to list the multitude of names I’ve met here – but […]
Woke up this morning for work, and I’m already over today. The past few days at work I’ve gotten yelled at for stupid reasons, just because my supervisor is stressed out. Yeah because that’s my fault.
I wake up and want to quit every morning, but I need the money. I fucking hate it here. I shouldn’t want to not come in every single day. I come in everyday dreading what I’m going to be yelled at for today.
I’m tired of the bullying, the harassment. People talk down to me like I’m worthless and stupid and I’m not. I know I’m not, but after awhile and […]
Why Dreams is better than reality?
Why is Dream better than reality?
Why is dreams better than reality? Why dream is better than reality?
What puzzles me the most is human’s mind / human’s brains and imagination better than reality / human’s fantasy is better than reality.
for example:
just look at the movies, novels, comics, games, books, , animations (anime / manga), science fiction (sci-fi / sci fi), fantasy , like Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Narnia, Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts, Swords Art Online, MMORPG , Interstellar , The Matrix , Avengers , X-Men , etc etc, they are much more interesting, full […]
Hi everyone. 🙂
The short version of this is I might not be on SP as much in the future. The longer version is just a vent about everything that’s been going on lately.
It seems surreal to me that only a couple of months ago I was texting a friend to say I thought I was starting to recover from depression. I’ve said it twice in the last five to six years. Things started to get worse again this time when my ME/CFS got worse. That seems to be improving now, although it’s been up and down lately, but the depression is still going downhill.
I cut […]
I am currently 20 years old and feeling trapped in a life I do not want to lead.
It all starts with myself when I was a couple years younger, just always trying to impress my parents, trying so very hard to make them proud, and just being a nice/happy person. I chose a career field, that I absolutely despise, to go to university for to please my parents. They have constant control over my life. Looking at my grades. Making sure I am doing well 24/7. I do not get along with them. I have dreams of traveling the planet and not be so close […]
I was temporarily away. Everything came to be too much, leaving me bedridden for a few days. I slept so much that my bed began to stink and my body began to rot, in a sense.
I really didn’t want to return. I had left behind a huge mess, thinking that I was finally going to exit for good and consequently avoid it.
But, unfortunately, I’m still here. My method was poorly carried out that Wednesday morning.
So, fine. Physically, I’m here. I’m present. On this planet, I have mass.
Spiritually, though, I’m gone. I’m away. I’m not “beyond”, but I am absent.
When I came back the next week, […]