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I’ve been feeling worse and worse. Today in class I didn’t make the effort to open my notebook and take notes. I blankly stared at the slideshows and pretended to be engaging in class.
I tried to start on the three essays that are due tomorrow for my Communications class but greatly failed as I spent time watching videos on YouTube trying to keep myself alive. I lied to my mom about my second class of the day and told her that once again my teacher cancelled class so I could just go to my psych appointment and then we could go home.
I should probably try […]
Its my day off. I woke up too early. I cried in bed for probably an hour. No shame in lying about that. I prayed, and I cried some more. I actually made myself breakfast today. But it happened to be in the after noon when I ate it. So I guess I can consider that brunch. I ate in bed… And have been there all day. It’s the place I feel most comfortable.
I feel very numb today. I feel as if I have given up the hope I was holding onto so dearly. Why? I don’t know. Nothing has changed. I tried to cheer […]
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Psych class was pretty amazing. Learned that I’ve been having panic attacks and that it’s a thing that’s gonna keep appearing so I’m definitely going to talk to my psychologist about it and see what he has to say about that.
It’s very difficult to share something I enjoy with my family, especially with my mom. I try to tell her about how class went and what I learned and keep her informed that more stuff will keep pilling up with my depression … “You can change it, yeah it’s chemical reactions and all but you are able to control your thoughts and everything else that […]
Her voice is like a falling leaf sliding upon the air. Don’t get mistaken, this is not about any notion of loss or death. Rather the contrary, actually. It is about harmony, subtle embrace of goodness upon the universe. It is about some softness, lying flat on the elements. I love hearing her voice. It is soothing. Beautiful and soothing. Gentle. Please, talk. Don’t look at me. Please, just speak. I don’t know who you are, I don’t know. But just speak. You certainly are some sort of peace of mind. Quiet life. Good for you. But I just love the way you speak.
The truth […]
I just stumbled across the site two days ago. Decided to start posting today. I have to say it helps. Trying to help others feel better makes me feel better, for now. I guess it is why I have a degree in Psychology. That I don’t use anymore because of chronic illness. Oh well, none about that. I am going to try to go to sleep with thoughts of sunshine and light. lol Thank y’all.
I don’t know how to even begin with how I feel. My heart has been running on overdrive and I’m seriously on E. I can be fine one afternoon or night to turn around and be in agonizing pain the next. My heart literally hurts. I never thought heart break could be so agonizing.
Ive written my goodbye letter. There’s nothing I could say to my family and friends. They wouldn’t understand. They all right now tell me to give it time, leave him alone. I just wish he would talk me down from this ledge I’m on. I’ve called, emailed, texted, Skyped. He ignores me […]
Hey, so I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m defective. Nothing I try and do changes how I feel I should just end it all. Its been this way for as long as I can remember just a constant over whelming feeling that I’m not suppose to survive this thing we call life. I’m not trying to wallow, nothing majorly traumatic has happened in my life its just my serious and honest opinion. Ending it would be so easy but I can’t seem to get that right as I said I’m defective. I thought I was ready tonight then time got away with me and […]
I have been passively suicidal all my life. I know, some say there is no way, but I remember wanting to die at 7. I was not abused overly much. My dad a little to harsh with corporal punishment. My mom never said I was stupid, but she always gave me a look or used a tone that said I was stupid. I guess she had no patience. idk. I was always depressed. Borderline personality I was told once, but never stuck with therapy. I have had more jobs and sexual encounters than I can remember. I just can’t stick with anything. Then get all […]
I’m falling apart.
My life is falling apart.
I have been so hopeful.
I’ve been trying so hard.
But I just keep receiving bad things.
Now I keep thinking bad things.
I just want to die.
I can’t do this anymore.
Life is too overwhelming.
I can’t get ahead.
I can’t catch a break.
I can’t do this anymore.
I can’t live like this anymore.
I want to die.
I need to.
Bye SP.
I hurt myself again today.
Just to make sure I’m still alive. Another scar on my arm, another broken frame.
The blood falls onto the sheets, the crippling fear at my gates.
Another failure in the books. No one hears my screams, my happiness is a lie.
But that’s the price of making others happy.
And the only pain in death is felt by those who are left behind.
Our empty world is cruel, hurtful and unforgiving. It will break you.
I still remember your beautiful face. Those fleeting moments we shared.
I can only hope you’re still with me, holding me close while I cry myself to sleep.
I don’t blame you. Your […]
I have been mentally ill for as long as I can remember. I suppose it really started somewhere in Junior High but being a surviver of some pretty horrific abuse, who really knows. I have severe Bipolar Disorder. I am not depressed now and rarely do I cycle that way. When I do its feelings of shame, guilt, worthlessness & an earthshattering urge to sleep. I don’t get sad. I feel a level of pain that is indescribable & that no one should ever have to feel. Mostly throughout my life though I have been manic. Not that manic that gives you amazing self confidence, […]
I’ve been at work since seven
I haven’t been able to even think about work clearly, because my mind is reminding me about my relationship
Reminding me of how stupid I am
How being a female, who’s over emotional already, shouldn’t act crazy for attention
How I made the love of my life walk away from me
How I asked him to please come back to me and he told me I was killing him…
but little does he know is that he’s killing me.
I found a box of razor blades.
one cut for every time I’ve called
their not big or deep cuts but they hurt
I’m not good at pain
idk what to […]
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Hi, does anyone have any advices how to cope trough another day? I am collapsing and my chronical pains have encreased lately. Every day is harder than the previous one. I feel so tired.
If you just have any tips how to cheer up, even for a little bit, I would appreciate if you could share them.
Thank you. Hope you are feeling okay today.
So I stumbled across this site on one of my darkened days. I haven’t slept, ate, or drank anything in two days. My world came crashing down the day I found my mother outside dead from a shot gun to the chest. At first I was in shock, never saw that coming in a million years. my momma was the type of person who loved life, cherished every moment of it. but just like that, she decided she couldn’t take the pain away. she left me, alone, in this world with nothing and no one. I cant bare this pain that I’ve been going through, […]
I am broken
I fear I’ve always been this way
what was it that broke me?
i doubt anyone could say
the doctors are confused
I lived a good life
supporting parents
no abuse
yet I’m broken
i often pretend I’m not
pretend I’m whole
pretend I’m happy
but I can never pretend for long
I just need someone to listen, to hear me, to understand me. I’m so tired of people thinking the “smart, pretty” girls have it all. I don’t. I don’t think that just because you are good looking, or smart, or popular, or even a nice person, that it should cancel out feelings of a different caliber. But society thinks it does. Because people think I have it all, I should be happy. I surely don’t have it all, just keeping up with appearances. I fake it and I fake it well.
I don’t have any one specific reason to hate myself, I just do. I […]
I feel like if I could just feel happy sometimes, I could make it happen more often. Is there anyone else who hardly remembers being happy? I have better times, but they’re still painful. I still feel virtually powerless over my depression. I feel like I should have it figured out by now. It’s been years.
I looked in the mirror earlier, and apart from the walking stick and dressing gown, I looked like an ordinary healthy person. Some days I can function almost completely normally, and I think I must have been exaggerating – I hardly remember what the worst days were like. But it […]