Its my day off. I woke up too early. I cried in bed for probably an hour. No shame in lying about that. I prayed, and I cried some more. I actually made myself breakfast today. But it happened to be in the after noon when I ate it. So I guess I can consider that brunch. I ate in bed… And have been there all day. It’s the place I feel most comfortable.
I feel very numb today. I feel as if I have given up the hope I was holding onto so dearly. Why? I don’t know. Nothing has changed. I tried to cheer myself up yesterday and got my hair done. The girl that did my hair was new to the salon I go too. But thats okay. I didn’t care as long as I could get an appointment and thankfully they had one open. She is 21, from Orlando. Met her boyfriend at church camp in 8th grade. Stayed friends. Did the whole online/long distance relationship. Broke up. And now their back together. She said they’ve been dating for 7 months now. She moved here a month ago for him. And now their happy as can be. Hmph..
It gives me hope to wait. But I’m not 21. My boyfriend is damn good looking. And I’m scared to death he will rebound as soon as he writes me off for sure. And knowing him like the back of my hand… I don’t think he would ever give me a literal second chance. But that’s all thought.
I hate being here. Not physically here as in alive but here, where I am living. I moved here to Alabama for my family. My family left and I decided to stay for a man. Now that the relationship in question could be already over, I have been contemplating many things. Do I stay in hopes of rekindling our love? Do I stay and make a life for myself? Do I go home and give up? Since I don’t actually have a home to go too, where do I want to go? Do I die? Ha. That last one made me laugh. Though I have indeed thought of suicide. I just can’t bring myself to make any decisions yet. I’m still waiting to see what will happen this weekend. Will he come home to me? Will he even come home? I know he has too sooner or later. All of his things are here. But knowing him, he will pick my lock when I’m at work and take his things and go.
I wish I didn’t know of heartbreak. I wish this wasn’t my only good relationship I’ve ever had. I’d really like to go out and find all of my exs and beat the shit out of them for all the horrible things they did to me. To let go of all these bad memories was easy. Maybe I live in denial that I wasnt in bad relationships. That maybe I wasn’t really raped or abused. Or maybe finding a gentleman, who made me fall so deep in love, shown me how I should have been treated for a long time now. I can’t say I’m perfect. I can’t say I’m flawless or beautiful. I can’t say I don’t have baggage. But damn. I want my Disney happily ever after.
I know after EVERYTHING that I’ve been through. At the age I’m at. I don’t want to start over. I don’t want to move, find a new home, find a new job, get a new set of friends, find the right man for me. I don’t want to have my life thrown in the wind, trying to run after the pieces, hoping I can catch them in time before they fall in a puddle, get thrown in traffic or even lost in the wind. I just want my life back. I want to fix what I’ve broken. And I want to live. Is that so hard to ask for?