General

..it is truly only a matter of chemical imbalance?

I have been struggling like all of us with dark thoughts and the last months have been excruciating.
Were not for my beloved dog (I would never abandon him) I would have taken the last step.

I read on Suicide.org something very interesting:
“Let me also tell you that if you are suicidal, you probably are suffering from clinical depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, postpartum depression, PTSD, or something similar. And if you have something along these lines, you actually have a chemical imbalance in your brain — and you cannot possibly think straight because of it. That is […]

5 am is the time, just before the world gets up, even though the light already came through. Tell me, why did I stay up again this late? It just makes me feel more lonely. I’ve been waiting for you to tell me about your day until dawn. You’ve forgotten.

Hey fellow thinkers of doom. I am a 64 yo man. Never married no kids. By choice mostly but not early on. At a young age I wanted to be with another and was many times. Never worked out for long. As a teen I witnessed the decapatation of my best friend in a motorcycle vs cable across the road. It killed him in a fraction of a second. It changed my life forever. I have spent my entire life going from one dangerous obsession to another. At a young age I moved across the country to be in the high mountains to become a […]

It was only when I saw the coffin with the framed picture of the deceased astride the coffin that the reality of the situation hit me. Four words ‘this is for real’ ran through my brain. I had no emotional investment in the funeral, it was a neighbour, I had attended as a mark of respect for the deceased, so I felt sad for the deceased and the mourning family but unless it was someone I loved I wasn’t going to be overcome with emotion. When I had heard of the passing I felt bad for the family, I recalled the deceased from my childhood, […]

Hello Again,

It had been  a while since I last talked….I’m almost/basically worst than last time…I know it may just be me and my silly thoughts but 90% of the time..,it may not be.
I imagine what everything else will be like, but ya know what, I think it’s going to be another dream you cannot wake up from but when you do(wake up from)….you remember for a second…

all that fucked up shit…

and then repeat it all over…

I quit alcohol & drug abuse cold turkey around 2 years ago. Life seemed to get better after a while but now it’s just as bad as when I was wasted 24h/day. Maybe even worse. That’s what I’m wondering about.

A few days ago they published a study that showed some forms of self harm are actually therapeutic. Could the same be said about alcohol/drug self harm? I’m not talking about just 1 glass of white wine with dinner, but I mean maybe 1 hardcore blackout alcohol or drug binge every couple weeks or so. The idea is that self destruction in controlled doses might help […]

Things seem to be going really good for me right now. My boyfriend and I are in a happy relationship. I’m finally starting to feel comfortable in my body. I’m spending more time with my friends. My grades are good. So why am I still so anxious and paranoid? Everytime things go right for me, something bad happens and I don’t wanna lose everything I have again. I’m just so scared that I’m going to mess something up.

What is love? Why do kids have crushes? Why do they seek love from another at such a young age. Only those who have seen “love” don’t seek it from others. I have seen “love” that turned into hatred so quickly. I am afraid to love. Afraid to feel. Because love can cause only troubles. Mishap. Your love will move on. Love will not stay. It is a shifty thing. Why love at this age?

From what I’ve experienced thru my life, I’ve been thinking of suicide and almost romanticizing it since I was in 8th grade. Death is rest and death is peace. We do everything In life to reach peace. Pay bills for basic needs, go to work to pay for the basic needs, work for money to reach financial peace. What if that loop can be broken? Or should I strive to make more money to be able to buy extra things that bring momentary happiness? I can’t imagine a world of peace without nothingness. I’m stuck in this loop that I had no choice […]

Feeling like a burden distorted everything in my life. I couldn’t read facial expressions, it felt like everyone was glaring at me. And back then I lost someone close to me. I felt like it was my fault, way more dramatic than it really should’ve been,(I found my dad’s body) and I had a plan to kill myself. I couldn’t read the faces in a crowd, A smile in public felt like it was a bad one. I can’t explain…. And I stopped talking to close family, and mourned them “not wanting me to be around”

it’s been years since I’ve talked to anyone in my […]

There are so many items I still need to get before I can finish making my exit bag kit. I don’t have the money right now to get them. Also, it’s become difficult to get things past the front desk and into my room in the hostel I live in because of staff concerns over my mental health and suspicion of suicidal intent. I really hope nothing else really stressful happens before I am able to exit. I am already plagued by thoughts of all the mistakes I have made as well as how they have brought me to where I am in my life. […]

I have no more fight left in me. The weight of leaving is heavier than the weight of staying. The struggle of being alive has taken its toll on me.  I’ve lost. I surrender. I gave up the war.  I can’t even recognize myself anymore.  Just want to go “home”, nothing more, nothing less…

Be me, Senior year in school. Have no real friends. No job. Bad coping methods/hobbies. Ugly. I feel like living as me is a a cruel punishment from a higher power. I keep on doing things that hurt me and it’s so embarrassing and shameful and pathetic, and I wished my parents weren’t such idiots. I wished I could actually enjoy something and do something fun because I haven’t felt happiness in a long time, but nothing I can think of does that for me. Everything feels so permanent and out of my control, especially my brain, which doesn’t seem to function properly, […]

It hit me yesterday, I’m just the waste product left of what was once a useful person. As in, I don’t identify with who I was before the crash, it was a human being I am not capable of being now.

The one car that I’ve spent the last four years spending almost all my money keeping alive, and already had one transmission replaced, had the transmission go out. For those of you without cars (lucky devils), that means that my care is now a 3000 pound useless hunk of steel. We own three “cars”, as in they used to be cars, back when I could […]