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At the end, when everything finally falls apart, I will only remember that once upon a time, I have silently, and deeply, loved someone with all my soul.
I thought I would share this little gem and invite you all to write a caption for the baby’s reaction in the lower picture
I have had terrible anxiety as long as I can remember, it switches topics, but they’re all irrational worries and fears.
I think I am having my worst anxiety period yet, It’s been going for 9 days, I can’t sleep,eat or be calm. The idea of suicide is comforting and keeps me going because it’s nice to think that if things get too bad, I can end them. But now it’s more than an idea I want to do it now, the only thing stopping me is I don’t know how to do it and my family will be devastated. I wish I had a gun, […]
Since im living this horrible pain, i certainly could realize how cruel the destiny plays his game.. it goes like that: the right person comes in the right moment into your life, and  everything is disposed for teaching you how inevitable disgraces and mistakes are.. something is clear for me: it is not my fault, but at the same time, it is certainly my fault in a way.. that is the painfullest thing: it is like the miracle of the life, with all his unstoppable suffering.. at the end, you are just naked, looking into your empty hands, with no way to set free your […]
I think I’ll try to give this life one more year…..I’ll be 60 next year on March 26th……that is, if God doesn’t take me on his own before then…………you see…..since Mom died about this time last year, I have no one who loves me and cares for me in the selfless way a mother or partner can…..and there is no one who wants or needs that from me. The lonely, solitary life that was chosen for me by illness is simply not any way for a “senior” citizen to live……I’m in that high risk category, by gender and age, for suicide. I cared for Mom as companion and helper/care giver […]
You’re not supposed to want things, because wanting makes you miserable.
Yet if you don’t want, you have no ambition. You can’t change a given thing unless you want it changed…
Me, I want but I don’t know how to achieve. I feel stuck. So very stuck. Wanting makes me unhappy because I can’t have what I want. I can’t do enough and be enough to get what I want.
And if I don’t want I will still be miserable, unless I accept of course but wouldn’t that be resigning? I just can’t accept things. The guilt is too much.
I’m so confused.
Is it ok to want things or […]
The strange thing is, I don’t feel depressed. I feel like a terminally ill patient just trying to enjoy the time I have left with the people I love. I look around at them and I feel utter guilt and shame at what I know I am going to do. But I also realize how catastrophically disconnected I am and have been for so long from them and everything else. There is a beautiful world out there, but I know now, it is not mine. There used to be something in me that cared, something that loved. But that thing is gone. That thing will […]
All I see is darkness, but I know there’s light somewhere.
I feel like I’m not in the game. The life game, I feel like I’ve stepped out and in to observational mode. But the thing is, I’m not sure what is so great about the game. I don’t ever get sex, I don’t get the cuddles or the mental connections. I don’t get mind blowing experiences or happy endings of any sort. I tell myself, everything that is  wrong with the world is there to make the good things better, and that I should accept it and learn from it.
But you see, I can’t do […]
When I was young I prayed to god to ‘look after my family, send angels to protect them and if he had to, take my life instead of theirs so I wouldn’t endure the pain of their loss’ I prayed the same prayer for almost ten years, for a child with no life experience I couldn’t help but obsess over this worst pain scenario?
Last night I screamed. For the first time in a long time I tried to scream out all my pain, no noise came out though. The sense of reality forced a shit load of tears instead. My swollen eyes made it hard […]
So, they finally explained why I was in the hospital. Apparently I got very very drunk, some guy tried to take advantage of me, I fought him off, then a few hours later I decided to take a whole bottle of Zquil, and other unknown medications and cut myself. That’s when my friend decided to drag me in. He’s letting me use his phone to post and update people. Since I was wasted, they aren’t putting me on suicide watch.
This might be a trigger to some, so beware
Honestly every time I cut it just gets everywhere. all over my arms, my hands, on the paper I use to smear crude words with the red stuff. it sticks to everything too. yet I can’t seem to bleed enough. I want to bleed more. but every time I cut deep enough to keep a decent flow it hurts like f***….but I still do it. I don’t do it for the pain either.
I think I just associate blood with death…like cutting and bleeding is as close as I’m going to get to death since I really […]
suicide is not easy, and it is not cowardly. cowards may commit suicide to get out of the trouble, but for the majority its hard, scary and the final option….hopefully painless. I give up.  I am so very tired. Life just isn’t worth fighting for any more. Tired of being a victim. No matter how I fight back I just keep loosing. Keep getting pushed back and down.  I was sexually abused as a child….lots of therapy …..oh, I forgot, I am supposed to be a survivor. the wicked never rest and no rest for the weary.  These bits and pieces may not make too much sense, but wanted to put […]
I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnels’ collapsed, and I don’t have the strength to dig my way through it. tell me it’ll stop hurting one day. tell me there’s even a reason to try. tell me i just need to think more positive when the only way out of this is a sheer cliff coated in barbed wire. and before you try to tell me that it’s not that bad, *yes, it fucking is*. I’m not an idiot. This feeling isn’t new. I have looked at all the options and all the paths ahead of me and […]
I saw this once. Every day, write a letter to someone in or out of your life. I posted something last night about feeling empty, and how I felt like I didn’t have a soul, but maybe I can find some meaning like this? I don’t know. I have to try. Maybe it will keep me from feeling like I’ve got nothing.
After all, I keep trying to tell people that only you can define your life. Only you can fill it with meaning, because without your love and care and work, it is, essentially, meaningless. Maybe I’ll define my life by confronting the things that […]
Woke up in the hospital. No idea why. All I remember is drinking a whole lot.
I am really so sick of living already, people are so mean to each other and forget about what they really are. We are organic matter. We are animals who developped enough, over centuries, their frontal lobe so that we can think. That is all, really. Why bother with HAVING to work, HAVING to be beautiful, HAVING money, HAVING power…. can’t we just embrace life? This universe will go to waste anyways, so why learn at school? The fact that I know how to spell words in a language we use, what’s that giving me as a creature, a living thing that really only needs […]
Where to start. I have had depression and Anxiety now for three years. It got worse when i found out that i have anger problems and OCD. It was really hard to accept that fact that i was depressed and that’s when i started cutting. i stopped for awhile in 2011 but ever since then i have been cutting. It all started in 2010 when my grandma passed away and i got made fun of for it and said that i should have died instead of her. Having everyone against me and no one there for me hurt so much. I started to have panic […]
I was born with a loving, caring, and forgiving family. To most people, that’s a blessing. But to me, it only makes it harder for me to make them pleased, or even tolerant of anything. It only makes my life worse. I already hate me, so does everyone else, so my own family were like the only people who I could trust at all, and now they are like people I never even knew. It just sickens me to see what I have done to these great people, and what I can do to all those with a pure heart, unlike mine.