General

I am here in my apt surrounded by my friends and girlfriend, you think I would be happy as well as I; but I am not I want to die I feel sad and depressed all I want is to end it all and have no one realize and worry. I am not meant for living and happiness.

I don’t want this.
I hate this situation.
I’m lonely and desperate.
I hate myself.
I hate him.
I hate all the people wo kid me.
I don’t want this anymore.
No one there to hold me.
My fault.
Shouldn’t let him go.
But it’s not better with him.

It’s the biggest mistake to burn the letters of somebody’s name on your skin. Why I did it again? All those words. They’re more than just scars. I know it’s a mistake

When I see him it pulls me to him. But at the same moment I want to run away. Mostly I run. Too much pain.

I’m so afraid.

we havet to say good bye to frends

who left this world and you

to live in the way thay whant

not comeing home in ters

no more runing with sheres

lighting no more fires

saying good bye to frends

all thay left was a note

all i will leve is a memorey

if i deside to go

nothing solid or still

but a moving brething almost sething gost

cos thats all i was a flower on the wall

a joke for the passers bye

just one more god dam gost

see throw and glowing

face tend […]

Ce, I don’t know if you will read this. I am sorry. I thought you were my friend. We only met a few months ago, here, and we helped each other so much. How can we let that get ruined over nothing? It seems a waste. And now I don’t have a friend, again. I wish I could find a real one. But it seems hard when you hate yourself, how can you expect anyone else not to hate you.  Sorry I fucked it up. I am so sorry.

“Forgive grievances, never forget kindness”

I won’t ever forget you, my nymph.
Fare thee well.

Love always, Mark.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LsmCP3OH-g&list=PL477888209A803A68

so today was my last day at school and if you havent exspreanst it its shoutd be the best thing in the world but i got rejetid i was beten up i feel like shit and im thinking bout the gun i fownd so yer this is fun all i got to look fword is tax’s and shit dity alone and probly by my own hands

It’s happening again. The elevator is going down again. The weather outside is gloomy again. I woke up this morning and wished I hadn’t… again.

I was feeling a little better the last couple of days. Now, well, back to crying a bunch and just wanting to sleep all the time. Wanting to die. (Smile) My first thought this morning was a big knife stabbing me in my chest. The depressed mind has, well, a mind of its own.

So, I think… maybe if I can get back to sleep, back to the quite, when I awake again later I will feel better. Maybe the sun will […]

“To know even one life breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”-Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Makes sense except in my life it seems that those around me will breathe easier because I am dead. When my very existence seems to be that which causes them grief and sorrow. Am I selfish for wanting to live knowing that I should die?

ruins is what cutting made other girls into
but that’s not what it does for me.
when i take the blade
run it across my arm
it doesn’t ruin me
not yet anyways.
i know that eventually it will
but not yet.
for now,
the silver blade
and the beautiful pain
and the red
they keep me from being ruins.
they are my anchor to the earth.
they stop me from being ruins
although in the long run it will ruin me
if i don’t stop
if I can’t stop.
for now
although i’m lost in the ruins
i am not a part […]

I am trying to predict the aftermath of my own suicide for example Will the emotional damage to friends and family be worse than the unintentional damage i will surely inflict on them with my continued existence?  i just want to leave everything without a trace but i know this impossible i have been here long enough to make an impact on my environment/ family and friends albeit in a mostly negative way i know most of the people in my life wont understand my reasoning but i refuse to allow my own failures and disappointment  to infect those i love anymore this is truly for the best of those who still have hope for a happy meaningful life. i don’t want to drag anyone […]

Take This Test: 10 Points or more, Catch-the-Bus

5 pts = Do you have a terminal illness whereby you’ll die within a year
2 pts = Just broke up with your lover
2 pts = Serious financial troubles
3 pts = Serious mental illness
2 pts = truly no real way to better you life
1 pts = I’m not attractive, I hate my looks
4 pts = You’re serious disabled, paraplegic, deaf and blind …
3 pts = Addicted to one or more serious drugs, Heroin, Cocaine, Meth
1 pt = Have no friends, everyone hates you

Insanely Happy

When all else fails and life is unbearable, we have an awesome way out! Look at it this way – as life gets worse and worse, smile back knowing you can simply pull the trigger and all your troubles fade away in an instant. Knowing that suicide is an option AND possibly the best answer, that should make you blissfully happy, it does with me. I’m 100% going to check-out, but life like there is no tomorrow (because there won’t be). Take Control, go wild, and then Catch-the-Bus. CTB-Driver

what if i never get anywhere with my life. the thought of me not going to new york. not going to be a chef. that makes me feel physically sick. i cant handle it. its all too expensive. one course is $62978.52 i cant earn that by myeslf in four years. i cant even get a job until im 16. im going to be a failure nothing is going right im stupid and ugly and unnattractive and i just dont see any point anymore.

i dont want to be around just to kill myself when im 40 and havent been able to do any of the […]

why should i not kill myself?

im worthless.

i have nothing in life to look forward to. nothing interests me and everything just feels pointless.

i feel like i am living the same day over and over and over. different events, but every day has the exact same outcome. i cant take it anymore.

my mum has just told me that ‘no way in hell is she paying even a little bit for that damn school.’ new york is my one dream and i have never even thought about what would happen if i didnt get there. im not going. i cant go. new york is over.

my future will […]