General

I’m so insanely lonely and desperate, my mind is fixating once again on the last time someone seemed to really care about me. It was so long ago. I suppose it’s that she was the last person to give me a sense that she saw something really worthwhile in me. Like I was actually valuable. Like who I was had some significance, independent of the roles I play in the lives of others. Like she actually really liked me for me, and wanted to be close to me. I miss that feeling, so fucking much. I can’t imagine ever feeling it again.

And my mind clings […]

I dont believe in this stuff, but I find it fascinating what human beings do privately. (Video enclosed) The real story though is that someone who I know is a Gardnerian pissed me off. And I know they like keeping these things secret, away from prying eyes. Thanks to people who broke oaths though, this info is available for anyone who knows where to look. The guy who pissed me off would rather keep it secret. So naturally, I’ve been sharing it. It’s interesting.

I’m in school, spending more on tuition than I should, trying to get a degree that will let me get a job so I can make money so I can… I don’t know. Die happy? Retire? Help my community? To be fair, those sound appealing, but they’re not worth the pain I’m going through right now. I guess what really kept me going was just trying not to disappoint people. It’s too late now. I’m failing classes and I don’t see a way out. They tell me to get a job and try for internships and all that, but how can I when I don’t […]

Thank you to admin,

I’ve used The Suicide Project since around the age of 18 years of age and have found a place of hope. I’ve volunteered for websites, have found meaning in life, etc. To anyone that’s been through abuse I know it’s hard and have first and foremost seen how it’s lead to nicotine addiction in my case. 988 is an awesome nonjudgmental hotline for anyone that is experiencing mental health issues. If you’re someone who has a suicidal friend make sure to let them know they’re loved before referring them to 988 or the police. Do not dismiss those who feel suicidal.

Thank you,

this is going to be rumination on my personal journey of faith. I don’t want to convert anyone. Despite potential signs to the contrary, I don’t care how you feel about god, christ or the afterlife. This is a problem solving technique, because I am quite stuck.

I find it uniquely frustrating, given the country’s dive into Christian nationalism, that God seems to have grabbed my ankle at the same time. I was an agnostic for pity sake. I can’t even take the lords name in vain….. gee wiz. All the framework of faith is there, because I never discard a framework. You never know when […]

I’ve been thinking about all the times I’ve demonstrated how strange I was. My manner of acting, especially in grade school, never really made sense to anyone but myself. Basically I was very strange. I still am. It’s hard for me to see obvious things when it comes to people and situation. I’m always out of step with reality. Can’t see how bad or wrong something is until it’s too late to correct. Key moments in my life have been like this. It’s funny cause I’m never really sure of myself, so I feel I should catch […]

I’m starting to think I screwed myself in the long term back then.

Had someone who loved and cared for me deeply, that I broke it off with because they’re so far away (LDR) and I didn’t want them to be stuck with me as their only option. They’re happier now, with someone else. We still talk, but not nearly as much as before, which really sucks. I care for them deeply, and that won’t change, but I’ve noticed the change since then. We have a deep connection, even now, but I know she’s happy with this other person anyway so I’ll be a […]

I’m surrounded by passivity inside. Just a constant, “What if?”, “You could just…”, “If only I weren’t a coward, I’d…”.

Tonight it was “what if I owned a gun”. Spent my walk home imagining being gone in an instant. Dissociating myself out of existence. Imagining taking a gun to my head. Imagining pulling the trigger. Omitting the pain- wishful thinking, really- and imagining no longer existing. Imagining the peace of being gone. Being dead.

You know, I haven’t been here in a while. There were a couple of years where I forgot about this place in a good way, and then a couple of years where I […]

Just now, I was still pushing. It’s currently 7:30 PM local time, I started working at 10 AM , and I had the thought;

“Who precisely am I trying to impress, who am I doing this for? There’s no point in pushing this hard.”

So I wrapped it up, finished my task and filled up a water and now I’m writing out  my feelings about it because that is almost a reflex at this point. It’s hard not having a set schedule, after having one for so long. Maybe I needed to say that, just to admit it to myself.

I’m a workaholic. I like the feeling of […]

Got zero idea what I’m doing. Not a clue. I haven’t been able to work on testing because of a stupid supply chain issue. I need it to do pretty much all of my tests except for one. Maybe I could test one side to see how well it does with the “pipes”, but I guess I’m too damn lazy or maybe afraid. I know I can do the bend angle test just fine and I’ll probably so it tonight (maybe). Not looking forward to restringing when I end up snapping a cable. I hope it holds up […]

Human beings are interesting. We hold ourselves back because we put ourselves in the shoes of others and imagine what it would be like to suffer the way they would. And yet, almost everything in this world can be obtained by ignoring that impulse. By abandoning empathy. And all the while holding back, I suffer myself anyway. I don’t have much courage to be evil, but I’m right there along the border, on the other side of veil, waiting for the thing that convinces me to abandon all care and finally cross over.

I daydream about what I’d do to people who say things about me […]

I think a lot about that book I read as a child, The Giver. The main character was special because he had capacity to See Beyond. I feel like that book was prophetic in the way it describes what it feels like trying to break out of society, trying to describe something that goes against what most people understand.

Anyway, I’m not going to start talking like Charles Manson or David Karesh. I’m no prophet. Just some guy with an idea I feel like trying. I felt really strong when the idea was right in front of me; the property was on the market, and enough […]

*Trigger warning-if you’re a sensitive-type of person who is emotional and easily triggered, then it’s probably best to skip my post.*

So as I’m driving, I start hearing Christmas music on various radio channels…I knew it was that time of year again. Some of it is actually really beautiful and they simply don’t create songs like that anymore, so that is a good part of our culture passed down to us.

But I could barely hear it for a few seconds because of the memories it conjures up. It just reminds me of how innocent children really are and the tiny little bubble they live in and […]

Every now and then I get a clear reminder of what I’ve done and who I am, and how everyone else feels about that. I live in this state of denial and emotionally distancing from it the rest of the time. Like I know, factually, what I’ve done. And how horrific everyone feels it is. But that knowledge doesn’t fully connect. I have this emotional shield of rationality, where I disconnect. I detach emotionally.

But sometimes an explicit reminder cuts through, and I remember. I remember what I’ve effectively been trying to bury for 17 years. I remember I don’t want to live in this reality. […]

The city has moods, me and this city have gone round and round. I happen to know a few places where the city will drop things off for me to find when it wants me to find them, and today was a day I got that itch.

Sure enough there it was, a 200-300 dollar keyboard, for $20. Right next to it an $80 amp for $35 so I’m sold and I grab them both. The keyboard is name brand, a Yamaha. The sound is really good. All I had to get was a cord.

The thing about it is this is something I couldn’t get myself […]

The thing is… in my opinion God/Higher power whatever you want to call him, he will put us through things, sometimes unfathomable things that no human could or should have to endure.  I know I’m being pushed to that point knowing the only option is death by our own hands, of course God knows this, he planned it that way. Thus is my view on this subject.  He planned for my sister to die in her sleep after an od.  He planned to take my whole family before me,  I’m the last to go. I’m under 35 years old.

is any time someone put their hand out socially. I couldn’t talk to ppl until I was 28 and when in school I was as quiet as a mouse particularly secondary school. That could have been paranoia about stuttering. I stuttered until the age of 15, stuttering is a **** of a condition and any stutterer would have my deepest empathy. As a stutterer I thought the world revolved around my stuttering, it was only when I came to the greatest realisation in life -‘nobody cares’ that my speech became fluent. I found it hard to make friends in school but eventually made friends then […]

I’m currently about to wright my last letter just incase this is it and i wanted to get some thoughts. I already took the sercurity lock off my phone and i have a plan. This is all contingent on a few things, i won’t get into detail. Anyhow I’m just thinking of what needs to be said in my own words and also who will get my car ect. Im dealing with something that is way to much to bare also I’m just under 35 years old and all my immediate family has already past on including my only sister who past away in her […]