General

That thing, is toilets, or actually, chamber pots.

So our idiot president decided to renovate the Lincoln Bathroom in the White House, spending tax payer money on a stupid project while millions starve during a government shutdown he created which is a whole other rant. The point is that he redid it in white marble with gold accents, and his claim was that this was more close to what Lincoln would have had than what was there before.

For the record, what was there before was an art deco bathroom put in in the 1940s when modern plumbing was introduced to the White House.

So you know what […]

What is the exact threshold of pain a person needs to pass before they commit? I mentioned before therapists have described my suicidal ideation as a safety blanket. Something I turn to to feel comfortable when things are hard. The idea that I have an exit was soothing. But as much as I fantasize, I never actually do anything. All these years and I’ve never had a legitimate suicide attempt. Don’t know if fear or hope or stubbornness has held me back. Last year I got the bright idea to find the threshold. Throw myself completely and totally […]

If you read this, Jenil. Stay in contact with people if you can. Keep talking to people.  I love you so much. You are amazing. This world needs you.  I need you too..  hit me up on FB, if you can see this

Anyone who cares, he’s still here. Please reach out and help him to stay. I beg you.  His name here is jenbrown

He turned it in with like 2 hours to spare. Fucking ridiculous. Whatever. Putting off sending him another email cause I need to remind him about the second reference letter he needs to write and I feel like that will just annoy him more than my dozen reminder emails. Got to do it today though.

So I’ve only really though about passively dying but lately things have gotten so bad that I I’m starting to look for routes. Haven’t done that since I came up with the chemical asphyxiation plan last year. I’m starting to stare at all […]

I gave him a two month notice. Two months. And he still couldn’t turn in the reference material in on time. It’s due tomorrow at like 8 AM and I doubt he’ll fucking get it in on time. He said he’d turn it in two weeks ago and then he didn’t then this past Wednesday and then he didn’t and then yesterday and then he didn’t. What does it even matter. I never had a chance anyways. So it’s not like this ruined anything. I’d say I hope he managed to get in the other one on […]

Imagine if everyone here had been aborted and never born. Imagine how much suffering could have never existed. Decades of suffering for just me alone, let alone our collective suffering. That would total in the thousands of years.

Now imagine all the Karens and Kens- imagine if those parents never opened their legs and bred. How much collective suffering would not have occurred if just ONE of those Karens or Kens were eliminated/never existed. Just ONE of those Karens/Kens bring upon a ton of misery to society. Hell, eliminate ONE narcissist, or ONE sociopath, or ONE SA’er or ONE thug. […]

I want to die. I really really want to die. I don’t want to deal with everything that comes with being alive. There’s just no way around it.

There have been a lot of suicides, of famous people as well as people I’ve known, that have made me feel terribly sad. But the funny thing is, when I ask myself if any of them would be happier today if they’d lived, the answer is always no. They’re better off dead.

Even people like, say Robin Williams who had so much to offer the world, do you honestly think he’d want to have lived through the last 10 years of bullshit in the world (let alone what he might’ve personally struggled with)? Hell no, tragic as it was, he got out of this shitheap before […]

If you could have anyone’s life, who’s life would you want to have? Could be past (dead) or current (alive) people. And why?

What do you do when you feel like a giant dark black hole?

Who else feels life is hopeless?

I suppose the trick is to NOT feel hopeless…but how does one not feel hopeless when we are David vs Goliath in this shit world? Especially when we are all alone, no family, no spouse, no parents, not a single person who cares whether we live or die?

No longer waking up wishing that I died in my sleep first thing in the morning. For now. But I can’t say that I’m better. Just stagnant. Might hear something from the two companies I interviewed for either the end of this week or next. I shouldn’t say I feel confident about it because knowing my luck I’ll just get another rejection. I guess that’s why I haven’t been trying real hard submitting application lately. I haven’t tried for a while.

The hertz fellowship application is due Friday. One of my references hasn’t turned in their […]

I had my second session today and it was the most awkward 30 minutes I’ve experienced in my life. Most of the time was wasted on her saying Dhar Mann-esque proverbs. Every time she said one, she would do a long pause and stare at me, waiting for me to say something. I didn’t know how to respond so I just stared back at her until she moved on. Whenever I did get a chance to talk about how I’m feeling, she gave me generic answers that I could’ve found on Google. I told her that I’m suicidal and she gave me the number […]

Happily drunk ready to face the truth I’m crying I’m hurt I don’t know maybe I’m drunk I don’t know what to tell you I’m sorry mom but I have to go please take care everyone you know I love you

Every year since around 2020, I’ve genuinely hated growing older, because it means I’m running out of time to be happy, or find my own happiness. I’ve heard Gen Z is in a state of arrested development/Peter Pan syndrome but honestly how could you blame us when the world is currently the way it is? It’s impossible to make any significant milestones because the price of everything makes it impossible. What’s worse is I’ve been clinically depressed with crippling social anxiety ever since I was 12. Which I regret feeling, because life was less awful during those years. I could have spent them playing or […]

I really don’t know where to start, I guess all I can say now is that its time to go, I’m sorry for not making it in life. I really did my best, but sometimes its just not meant to be. For those that know me here, I love you guys. Good night life.

I’m doing it right now. I keep looking at my research proposal draft and not doing anything to it. I see all the comments left and it just turns me off. It’s all fair criticism, but at the same time it reminds me of how completely out of my depth I’d be in a PhD program. With enough effort, anybody could probably get a PhD degree. I’m just not one of those people to put in the effort. Meaningful effort anyways. I’ll probably not touch my draft today and say I’ll do it tomorrow and repeat the same […]

Interview I had today was ok I think. I hate how nervous I get. I say I don’t care about any of this, but I still care enough to not want to fail. It’s a stupid contradiction. Either way, it went ok I think and I drove 6 fucking hours back home with the last two hours in the dark. Sucked dick.

I realized this morning why my current depression felt so nostalgic. It’s the same depression I had when I was in high school. All my life I’ve been depressed, but I’ve been depressed for different […]