General

Well Its just turned Christmas day in Scotland. In the morning I have the joys of visiting family members I never see or hear from and put on a fake smile and act like I don’t wanna grab a knife and slash my wrists in front of them when they ask the bullshit question – “How are you?” My response will obviously be “Ye fine thanks” because that’s what they want to hear. They only wanna make small talk because that’s what everyone does at so called ‘celebrations’. I would turn down going but as I stated in an earlier post, I’ve disappointed my mum […]

I never noticed but when you look at comments through dashboard you can see peoples email adresses. Can I email you guys that way? Do you guys care? I’m bored…

Hmmm, where do I even start? I guess I’ll start with my childhood. It was nothing great. I was severe abused; mentally, emotionally, and physically. I was starved, being locked in my room for days and when I was at my weakest point beaten for the littlest things. The parent held responsible? My father.

My parents were still together at the time, my mother was just working constantly. Though, whenever I would tell my mom about the severe abuse, she would just confront my father about it. Which lead to more disciplined as soon as my mom left for work.

Going into fifth grade, I […]

For ********? I’m desperate and will travel by bus to Tijuana to get it….but I would like a reliable source first.

Dear santa,
I wrote you but you still ain’t callin’
Christmas is just around the corner and snow is fallin’
I sent two letters back in autumn i guess you haven’t gott’em yet
Unless you did and you just haven’t replied you fat lazy git
Whatzzup man, you been out again playin’ golf?
Anywayz, what’s happenin’, say hi to my mate rudolph
I think he’s a crazy reindeer as it goes
With them silly dumb-ass antlers, man, and that crazy red nose
Anyway forget about that, man here’s my present list
I hope i get what i want or else i’ll be well (pissed)
I […]

Stanta

Today, tommorow, ill spend my christmas without my family. Ill spend christmas with this insecure girl. She can’t keep it together, she doesn’t know what she wants. Her thoughts control her mind constantly, she can’t close her eyes and pretend shes someone else, because closing your eyes on the the world is only for cowards. so this girl will face everyday, hurting, and trying. i promise im trying to get through this. someone save me from this life. I don’t know where this life is taking me. Im terrified of everyday that come. My past is my past, but im 18 years old and my […]

I’m going crazy! I treat others with respect, kindness, and genuine concern for their welfare. Yet I am accused of being sneaky, and being a cheater and a liar. OK, My S.O. is very suspicious of me for no reason other than way back in the past his wife cheated on him and then left him for another man. I’m not HER!!!! I shouldn’t have to pay for her bad behavior. I’m not responsible for the way he feels about what happened to him so many years ago. He acts as if he was burned just yesterday but it was SO many years ago. And […]

My life. I don’t get it. Here I am 47 years old, divorced 4 years, dating the same man for 1.5 yrs now. I feel so incredibly invisible. I have gained some weight and can see the disgust in his eyes when he looks at me. He would never say anything about it, but I can see it on his face. And now I find that all this time I thought he was still having feelings for his ex, it’s really feelings for some chick named “Annie” who I have never heard mention of before, and he dated just before […]

I’ve tried over and over again, and each time it was a “miracle” (doctors’ and others’ words, not mine) that I survived. From ropes snapping, guns just refusing to fire, pills that my body was somehow resistant too, hell, I’ve even poured gasoline all over myself but the damn lighter wouldn’t light. Why could the closest person I had to a father take his own life on the first try, but at the point where I’ve stopped counting attempts, I’m still standing? It’s just not fair. I just wish I could die.

I know I’m a little late for Solstice but here are some songs (not mine) that might help to put a smile on some faces…maybe.

http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLDC3E828DCD12B68D

I particularly like the one entitled ‘It’s the most horrible time of the year’ (number 14) – just saying.

I hope everyone finds some semblance of peace, if that’s possible. Good luck.

Javier’s demise, hopefully my time to cry in the darkness, and also the day I do nothing at all except groan and whine in my bed, not getting up for anything…
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I was using my alarmclock on my iPhone and it said kill yourself at 5:57 am from 1-3 years ago and then 6:13am do it for Nycolle… You know you still love her…

I should have done it. Still not over her, still not over my depression. Still shrouded in the darkness, not to scythe darkness is a bad thing but while at the edge I am close to falling. Especially a willing […]

I dont know where i will be gone from here. From this place that only brings tragics my way. I do nothing. Completely nothing. I have no respect for myself. I dont have self-confidence. I dont even have the will to live anymore. Where will i go? Who would be there. My life has no valueable meaning. I really dont understand why im here. Why im typing this. Or who would respond. I guess being depress you could get lonely. Broken. Or tear you to shreds. I have no path that i could walk down on. Broken glass with shatter memories. Cuts on the bottom […]

Call me a damsel in distress. Call me a baby.
But I just can’t stand going to sleep at night, with out knowing someone is there for me. I get so depressed, I need someone there. Some nights I’m ready to scream.
I have friends, but they can’t always be there. I’ve had boyfriends, but I don’t have anyone atm who can stand by me.
I can be strong during the day. But in the middle of the night, that’s when things come back to haunt me.

today i found out that 4 of my exs had slept with some of their exs while me and them were together…. i dont have feelings for them but it just made me realize… how im not good enough for even the lowest of people….. fuck my life.

I always loved to listen to music. Never danced to it but just listened and it made me think.  I mean REALLY thinking. It  made me think about life and how I saw it or about my anger towards people. I thought about things that normally wouldn’t cross my mind that much. Music made me look harder, think deeper.  Listing to music made me as well  happy you could say. However not completely. There is still a huge gap in my heart of sorrow, anger and darkness. I wish music could close the gape….. but it never will.

Here is my favorite song I listen to always. Makes me cry every time. How I […]

I just feel alone. friends dont know anything is going on, perents wont accept it, lost any faith in god, and i have no plans over my christmas break with anybody.
life doesnt hold any excitement for me anymore, everything seems empty. i wonder what it would be like to have a signifigant other, ive been in relationships but nothing serious where i can tell anything to them and not worry how they would take it.