General

I’m sick of this life. I can’t remember or think of one time where I was genuinely happy; a moment where everything felt just right. Fact of the matter is, I’ve always faked my smile. I’ve always had to fake moments of happiness, nothing was or is ever real. No one would ever believe I feel suicidal or that I’ve suffered and continue to suffer from depression if I told them. I try really hard to mask my internal state and the pain I feel with jokes, just so I don’t give off the impression that I’m actually sad inside.

When I see myself, the only […]

I wrote this email to a co-worker today:

“I’m going to die alone.

This is all that’s bothering me, it’s all that ever really bothers me. There aren’t any other people, that I know of, with the personality of a robotic alien for me to fraternize with. Every time I see other people, hear them conversing, laughing, and so on, I can see the differences between me and them. So in my mind, I don’t want to be around others, just alone in my cave, behind walls, because I feel safe and secure. But life without people is even more boring. So, I’m kind of not here […]

This month marked 10 months since my son Daniel took his own life and ripped my soul in two. I advocated on here in my sons name trying to help those in despair with even a little hope and look at me now. I can’t go outside. I hate myself for failing my son. I take 15 different medications every day to help with the symptoms of PTSD, yet the flashbacks remain. I really don’t want to live, yet I fear death. I thought about OD but read it was painful and I cant do pain. Everything in my life has exploded in my face. […]

Been having hysterical laughing fits all day. I’m not on drugs, I’m eating no worse or much less than usual and I’m sure as hell not happy. It sounds unhinged as hell to my ears. Wheeeeee

I have episodes. Yesterday, it was gone. I looked at myself in the mirror and wondered what the hell I was thinking.

As one of the preceding posts mention it, there are steps. I’m at step 5: Do It.

I survived through yesterday and today I am determined to survive through today. Even though it started out as a shit day, I’m pretty sure I want to see tomorrow.

I’m scared. I know it will come back. I know I will go through a week of hell sooner or later and everywhere I go and seek for help they always turn me around. I’m scared my […]

I just tried drowning, and must say i dont recommend the experience to anyone. Also warn about it in my suicide guides, but i became frustratdet and panicked, when i heared people were going to call the Police on me over my suicie guides on the internet.

Later learned that assisting suicide is not actually illegal in Finland. Even if i was planning MURDER it STILL would not be illegal! There planning to change the law somewhere around 2012 Have to start being a bit more carefull over what i write on the internet. Anyway i finally started ordering the tools for my little “magic trick”

People, dont […]

I’m sitting alone in my room. Lights are off, got my song on iTunes. I’ve taken the maximum safe dose for whatever I’ve taken. Another could throw me into cardiac arrest, or shut down the respiratory system.

Should I do it? No one knows. No one has any idea at all.

What’s holding me back? The finality of that choice? Fear?

I don’t know. But I’ve got the rest of the night to figure it out.

i am sure that probably all of You sometimes wondering “whats gonna happen after death”.

Death is beautiful. In my work practise i’ve seen death many times.. I like death at home, when human is laying in bed and waiting it in silence. The last breath. The last words. The last gaze.. Usualy when we have dying patien with some serious disease and we don’t need to make CPR, i just sit and watch. It’s magical. Sometimes i put electrodes to see heart’s stopping. It is really magical. Slowly, saint.. Sometimes human dies,but the heart is still fighting and still making some single beats, so we […]

I haven’t slept without substance (ab)use in almost two weeks now. And trying to buck the trend tonight isn’t easy. I got high this morning once I decided school wasn’t gonna happen, but it feels like I need something to sleep now. Maybe a shot, maybe a smoke, something. I hate this. It’s always the worst. Laying in bed with nothing to do besides think of how much I hate my life and myself. I just want to sleep without medication, but I’m starting to wonder if that’s possible for me anymore.

I use to have such a spark for life, I don’t know where its gone….. most of the time I just feel like times flying by while I just sit here. I wanna do something.. I wanna get over this.. But, I don’t know where to start I’m scared to move forward feelings of hurt and pain cloud my mind. Wish I could just hide under a rock for awhile…

I have been having more intense fantasies about ending my life.

What I see scares me; loss of relationships, estrangement from family (and it is a destructive family). I feel more alone than ever, and angry at people who i feel have let me down–full of self- pity.

Moreover, I’ve had an ongoing physical illness that requires surgery and a long recovery. I am in a lot of constant, physical pain. Without family or friends, how dow I expect to go through it and recover? I won’t be able to walk or leave the house. I already get depressed within 45 minutes of those conditions. I am […]

I go on weird walks; don’t follow me.  As I was walking tonight through a rift between two houses in my parent’s neighborhood I was talking to myself – only a bit and through my breath like some people do to motivate themselves on jogs (I imagine people do this sometimes).  It was dark, the rift is frightening.  I kept saying: “I am alone.  I am alone.”  And gradually it was: “I’m a loan.  I am a loan.”  I am but a loan.

Is this an inspiring notion, or one that can be debilitating: that one is but on loan from some hidden cue?

Latley I’ve been thinking more and more about suicide. I hate living here. My mom doesn’t give a shit about me. All she does is yell at me for not being good enough. I’ve considered going to meet my dad, but he doesn’t know about me. I don’t want him to go his whole life thinking one thing and then one day me just show up. I don’t know what to do I just don’t want to stay here. My birthday is in a week and all I want is to leave…

Isnt our existence the most illogical thing in the world?

I am tired of living, everyday is the same thing, one day after another. I dont know if it would be different if i could actually get in a relationship with someone i could really care of. Sometimes im afraid it wont change, even if i could get someone to be with. Its just that life its so tasteless for me. I dont really think i am depressed or something, its just that i dont want to live anymore, i think its way too boring. I mean, im 26 years old and had done the same […]

I’m dying in the inside. I’m screaming for help, but no one hear me. I’m devastated. I feel like I’m all alone in this crazy world. My heart cries out, but no one there to comfort me. All I want is someone to tell me that I’m gonna make it out alive. I’m sitting in this dark tunnel underground. I can see people walking by above me. No one bother to look down whenever i scream for help. I’m praying that someone would hear me and some how get me outta this dark place. A day goes by, still down here. I keep telling myself […]