General

According to the site I was just on, I am Manic, Depressed, bipolar and borderline, all of which are sever.  But hey, I’m only showing symptoms of early schizophrenia. “Woo”

Everything was fine, I was having the time of my life, and then I snapped. All that you said was you’d be by for your stuff this weekend, and I lost it. Everything  crashed on top of me. I couldn’t hold out any longer.

I’m sick.  I have tried for 6 years after getting my diagnosis(es) of auto immune disease which causes crippling pain, to deal with this, to try to be as normal as possible, to engage in socializing as much as I can, but my boyfriend told me tonight that I should not tell people that I am sick.  People ask, and that’s why I tell.  They see me struggling to get around, to deal with pain, and they inquire as to what is wrong.  When I try to be accepting of my fate, and rent a scooter at a theme park, he admits that he is […]

So,I could blather on here about my depression (2+ yrs) my empty,pathethic,useless life,and listen to people patronizing me and feeding me lines like “take a walk and be at one with nature” or “reach out and talk to someone” etc etc etc. Im not here to get into that bull. People are reading this because they are depressed and absorbed in theor own stories, or other people want to feel pious and try to “save a life. So lets just skip over that crap and let me say what I want to say.

Here is my rationale about suicide,in general. Some may agree,some not,but its based […]

I will sew your eyes shut so you cant see my pain.

I will cover your ears so you cant hear my screams.

I will bind your hands so you cant touch my heart.

I will push you away so i wont steal your warmth.

I will open your eyes so you can see it’s to late.

I will uncover your ears so i can tell you im sorry.

I will unbind your hands so you can check for a pulse.

I will hold you tight as i die and hope you can finally be happy.

Ya I understand shes scared of me cuz shes afraid im do somethin to myself bcuz she sayz itz over but she dnt really mean itt. I cant change the past of what I did before. The 1st time idid it i waz serious but not bcuz of her bcuz of my best guy friend :/.. i waz so hurt once i found out wat he said. Alot can change in a year I never thought iwuld evr evr have thoughtz bout hurtin myself but ido bcuz ido feel lik mayb she iz forced to be wit me 🙁 I love her and will alwayz […]

This pain is inevitable.
Im afraid it will never go away, it’s getting worse everyday. Im really conflicted to ignore the pain and work really hard to get my life on track or just to go through with a painful death. Either way pain is endorsed
The drugs and booze used to take the pain and horrible feeling away mommentarly, which help me compose myself sadness in public. I got out with my friends i dont want fo bring anyone down or annoy anyone with my empty sadness. Well blaze 🙂 ill be Numb for a few minutes but […]

are they reality or fiction. r they gay or broken. we all live each others live living all lives forever. yay you get to be everyone. arent you excited?  look at someone and imagine being that life. even objects. imagine being made to live all possibilities all options of how life can go. believe it or not…. victims eternal.

With thoughts of the past i close my eye’s and fall asleep.
The sound of nothingness calms the crushing sea of sadness in my soul.
The final escape from thoughts that i will carry to grave.
My dreams of a better tomorrow swiftly turn to nightmares.
It seems that the sickness has found my final refuge where i store my depleted hope.
The many pieces of my heart that i wish i could take back.
Alone is where i live, The tears i shed my companions.
My companions never leave for long so i can’t understand why im so alone.

My life has taken a dramatic change for the worse recently… It’s my own fault, but none-the-less it is hard… Harder then anything iv ever experienced… When my life changed, I suddenly found myself alone… Not just without the love that i so deeply desire, but… Without anyone… Why do poeple say that you must learn to be happy on your own before you can learn to love someone else? If you took a couple that was deeply in love, who had both learned previously to be happy on their own, and then tore them apart… It’s not like they would suddenly know what to […]

Just stumbled across this forum and read a few of the posts, and for some reason felt “inspired” to share some of my thoughts. I guess I find it relieving to read other people’s dark thoughts when I spend so much time with my own thoughts of that caliber. Hopefully some of you can get the same sense of relief out of reading this.

Most people would probably say that I have no reason whatsoever to feel depressed, misanthropic or hollow. At the age of 24 I’ve added many job merits to my resume, I come from a loving home, I’m athletic and buff, I live […]

I just took enough pills to kill milwaukee and you assholes want a fuckin letter

i feel like just another sob story whats the point of talking about the past. my councilers say it makes u feel beter me it only brings up old pain. im Carla  my biological mom had me in high school. then she had my brother out of high school. my dad was never around. some say i wouldve died if it hadnt been for my greatgramma. she died a couple years after  i turned 6. my mom was a junkie her suplier was her boyfriend my oldest sisters dad. he hit her and me and my brother. one time when he was drunk he took […]

I know we’re not supposed to talk about methods here and shit, so this post’ll prolly be deleted

but what’s your method of choice? are you combining methods?

mine’s ligature asphyxiation

I can’t breathe. I just wish god would end me right now.

Felt inclined to post an update to my wonderful internet diary of sentimental thoughts that drive me insane. Or whatever.

Anyway, so if anyone has been following my story the last few months (please comment if you have, I’m boredddd), I’m on a wonderful self-destructive path to win back the girl that kicked my heart in the ass a year ago exactly, who left me and dated my best friend. Don’t ask; she’s really cute and we have so much in common it isn’t even funny.

Despite screw-ups earlier this month, things are actually going alright. We’ve hit it off again and we skype and talk alot. […]

The one I love more than anything, have given everything I ever wanted for, has one thing more important than me; he wants to be a Marine Corps officer. I gave up a commission in the Navy to be with him and that’s fine with me.  My brother has been in the marine corps for 9 years and part of that he was in Iraq.  I was terrified everyday that my brother wouldn’t come home.  My love has already let me know that he will not give up his dream and that I had better get used to it.  he is the best Ive ever had and […]

My girlfriend carried out her plan on the 5th, I did not find out until the day before from a mutual friend.  I can’t believe she is gone and most of all I can’t believe she left in the way she did.  Even though I have tried to commit suicide numerous times myself I never thought that someone I loved would do the same.  We lived about 4 hours from each other so I have been back to her hometown even weekend since she has been in the ground to visit and sit with her body, in that lonely cemetery where she is not even […]

just as it always has beenishow it’salways going to be. it feels like broken glass. i fucking hatemy fMILY